Today's Evil Beet Gossip

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Finally! Hayden Panettiere has dressed up as a German beer wench. [FListed]

Larry Birkhead, blah blah blah, OK! magazine, blah blah, lawsuit, blah. Mad props to Celebitchy for writing up this story. I tried like five times and each time my head nearly exploded from boredom. But I know some of you care. [Cele|bitchy]

PJ Harvey’s coming out with a new album. [popbytes]

Thank God someone thought to compile a comprehensive list of celebrity lesbian crushes. [cityrag]

Paris Hilton is done terrorizing Malibu. [Celebslam]

Ivana Trump’s boyfriend is ridiculously hot. And, no, that’s not a typo. This is Ivana, the old one, not her daughter. [The Bosh]

Oh sweet Jesus, they’re making Rock of Love II. Worse yet, you can audition. Get the deets. [Celebrity Smack]

Andy Dick for President!

andy_dick.jpg

Ah, slow news days.

We’re mere hours away from the holiday weekend. Traffic is down everywhere on the web because you guys aren’t sitting at your desk web-surfing while you should be doing expense reports. No, it’s just past noon on the West coast, which means most of the nation is in a beachside bar tossing back Coronas, as far away from a computer as possible, and Hollywood’s publicists and reporters are right there with them. No one’s breaking interesting stories. So you know what that means:

Andy. Dick.

Hollywood’s favorite cokehead (assuming the top position now that Lindsay’s in rehab) performed at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Columbus, Ohio last weekend, in what the club’s manager calls his worst experience with a performer in the club’s history.

Dick made inappropriate comments while on stage, groped patrons, took women into the men’s room and urinated on the floor and on at least one person.

That’s right. He urinated on someone. This seems plausible, as on Monday, photos surfaced of Andy in Ohio, as he showed his naughty bits to an eager fan while urinating.

The next day:

A limousine driver was to meet Dick early Monday morning at a hotel near the club, Stroupe said, but he couldn’t be found and missed that morning’s flight to Los Angeles.

Dick was across town, where he was issued a citation for urinating on the sidewalk by Columbus policeman John Fantin. Police eventually escorted Dick back to the hotel, Stroupe said.

More Kids for the Beckhams?

More Kids for Posh and Becks?

David Beckham may not be able to play soccer for more than five minutes without getting injured, but Lord knows the boy knows how to procreate. And while he’s busy not playing soccer for the LA Galaxy, it sounds like babies are what he has on his mind.

“We never spoke about how many kids we wanted, we knew we wanted around the same number…We both wanted four or five kids,” Becks told Ryan Seacrest this week on his radio show. And since they already have three boys, Becks noted that they’re hoping for a girl.

For that girl’s sake, I’m hoping they have more boys instead. Can you imagine Victoria raising a daughter? That poor girl would have to learn how to walk in heels before she learned how to ride a bike.

Nicole Richie: Eating, Not Drinking, Making Fun of Paris and Lindsay

Nicole Richie Making Fun of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan on the Dance Floor

Sounds like everything is just as it should be.

Nicole Richie was spotted at a friend’s going-away party in Bev Hills with Samantha Ronson, Zach Braff and his girlfriend, Shiri Appleby (I guess he’s off the market now, girls), and was sipping tea while everyone else downed the liquor. The preggers starlet ate halibut, spaghetti Bolognese and spinach, and took her temperature after dinner to make sure she didn’t have a fever (is this something pregnant women usually do?)

But after the brief display of health and normalcy, she promptly returned to her Nicole roots, mocking Paris and Lindsay on the dance floor.

Nicole got slightly naughtier later on that night, when the party moved over to Hyde. “Nicole and deejay Frankie Inglese were imitating Paris and Lindsay having a dance-off,” says my Hyde insider. “Nicole was doing Paris, and Frankie was doing Lohan.”

Sounds like our good ole Nicole.

Heather Mills Drives Like Me

Heather Mills Gets Lots of Parking Tickets in East Hampton

After her fat settlement from Paul McCartney, it seems like Heather Mills doesn’t much care about paying parking tickets. According to Page Six:

HEATHER Mills has been hell on wheels in East Hampton. Paul McCartney’s estranged wife, who’s renting Nora Ephron and Nick Pileggi’s mansion in the Georgica Pond area, has been racking up parking tickets in her rented Bentley convertible. “She’s parking in front of fire hydrants and in handicapped zones without a handicapped tag,” a source tells The Post’s Braden Keil. The peg-legged “Dancing With the Stars” hoofer recently showed an unimpressed town cop her prosthesis while he was writing up her white gas-guzzler. She was then photographed sticking her tongue out at him as soon as he turned his back.

This is totally me. I am the queen of parking tickets (and speeding tickets, and red-light tickets, and stop-sign tickets, etc…). Unfortunately, I didn’t marry a Beatle, so I actually have to worry about how I’m gonna pay them.

More Details on How Britney Will “Shock” Us

Britney Spears Will Shock Us at VMAs, with Criss Angel Leading her in and out of mirrors

Just when I thought I’d outgrown the VMAs, it looks like I’ll be tuning in again this year.

It seems more and more certain that Britney will have her big “comeback” performance on the MTV awards show, and the Daily News has more details on the “shocking” performance she’s been developing with Criss Angel.

Angel will guide Spears in and out of a series of mirrors, making it seem as though she vanishes and then reappears several times, a source told the Daily News yesterday.

Other dancers in the complicated number are being called upon to harness up for simulated flight, the source said.

Ooooh, mirrors! Vanishing! Flying!

I am shocked!

Britney, it’s gonna take a whole lot more than that to shock us. The days of big snakes are long gone for you, my dear. Remember, we’ve all seen your vagina.