Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Happy September 11, Wall Street!!! Here’s Lance Bass to Help You Celebrate!!

Lance Bass Rings Closing Bell on Nasdaq

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What. The. Fuck?

Lance Bass was on hand to ring the closing bell at the NASDAQ stock exchange on September 11, 2007.

Because nothing says “We’ve recovered from a horrific tragedy of unimaginable proportions” like a gay former boy-bander and failed Cosmonaut.

I think this has something to do with the fact that Bass is currently appearing on Broadway in Hairspray, but still. It’d be nice to have someone like — oh, I don’t know — the President? — to do this.

Justin Timberlake’s Voice Was Strained from “Performing”

Justin Timberlake Cancels Tour Dates after Getting Shitfaced at the VMAs

J.T. postponed two tour dates in Northern California — one on Monday and one on Wednesday — after a doctor ordered him to rest his voice after his VMA performance.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

The performance was so, so stressful on the voice of a guy who puts on a full two-hour show every other night. But the three bits he did at the VMAs just put that poor little voice right over the edge.

So, so stressful.

DEEEEEEEERUNK!!!!

Tommy Lee Weighs in on His VMA Smackdown

Tommy Lee and Criss Angel at the VMAs

What on earth did we do before blogs?

How did celebrities ever speak their minds?

Tommy Lee wants to tell his story of the fight he had with Kid Rock at the VMAs, so he’s taken to his blog to get the word out. What you need to focus on here are the letters that come in between the super-ellipses. I know all the dots on the page are hard to ignore and very, very important — not to mention grammatically essential — but please try to direct your focus to the actual words.

Yeah!! …..here I am minding my own biz having a great time with my friend Criss Angel (magician) and watching the Mtv awards in the front row saying hello to all my friends……Pamela comes and sits on my lap who I love and adore….and also say hello to my friend Travis Barker and his wife!…..and i get a text from another friend P. Diddy and he says come sit with me…..and he’s sitting with Miss HOT AS FUCK!!!!…..Megan FOX!!! So I go over and sit with P!! Not a minute later and Alicia Keys starts her amazing performance….”i apologize sweetie”…..i had nothing to do with the timing and disrespect, ……back to the stupid-ness!!….so….. I get a tap on the shoulder from Kid Pebble…i stand up and embrace him with a semi hug and say “Hey dude…What up”?? He punches me in the face…..well if ya wanna call it that!?….more like a bitch slap!…….Wuss!! Anyway….i go to knock this jealous no career havin country bumpkin the fuck OUT….and before I can have a meeting with my fist and his ugly ass mug ….security guards…NOT MINE at the Palms grab me and haul my ass outta the award show threatening me that if I move they’ll break my arm……yeah whatever!!….my security guard Bruce grabs them and say’s I got him….let go!!! So im fine and of course leave to my room with police and owner George Maloof……the rest is paper work and bullshit!… Anyway…… I would like to apologize to Alicia and George and Mtv for the disrespectful bullshit caused by a piece of shit called Kid Pebble!!

Much Love always!!…..Tommy!!

Okay, am I the only one who feels dumb about actually laughing out loud at Kid Pebble? I’m not sure why I think it’s so funny. It’s not funny in a brilliantly witty way, but it’s funny in an oh-my-God-a-grown-man-and-the-father-of-children-just-said-this kind of way. Also, I love the name-dropping, Tommy. I wish I were cool enough to know George Maloof. Then I could say his name for reason at all, too.

Also, can I get a brief essay from you on why exactly you put an apostrophe in “say’s”? What, exactly, is the apostrophe replacing there? I’m genuinely curious to hear your thoughts on that.

Britney Spears Boot-Gate?

Check out this interesting theory on one of the reasons Britney sucked so hard on Sunday night.

The creator claims the heel on one of her boots was broken, and that was the cause behind so many of her stumbles, and why she looked nervous/concerned throughout the whole performance.

I agree that it does look like her boot was having issues, but it’s still no excuse for that pitiful showing.

Paris is the Bestest Sister Ever

Nicky and Kathy Hilton Backstage at Nicholai Show

Nicky Hilton’s fashion line, Nicholai, had its Fashion Week debut on Sunday, but big sis Paris Hilton was absent, choosing instead to attend the VMAs.

Both of Nicky’s parents were there, along with David Katzenberg, Russell Simmons, Bijou Phillips, Jenna Jameson and Brandon Davis, but Paris was nowhere to be seen.

Was Paris just being selfish?

Perhaps she decided to attend the VMAs so that Nicky’s show could be about Nicky, and not about Paris, as anything she comes within 10 miles of tends to be. Maybe — just maybe — Paris was thinking of someone else.

Remember When People Cared About Janet Jackson’s Wardrobe Malfunction?

CBS Takes FCC to Court over Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction Fine

Remember when that was scandalous? Oh my God! A nipple! For half a second!

Ah, we used to be so innocent.

Apparently — in what must be a galaxy far, far away — people still care about that story. Because CBS is challenging a $550,000 fine issued by the Federal Communications Commission for the event, claiming that they took considerable precautions to prevent something like this from happening.

CBS’s lawyer said the network took many precautions, including choosing Jackson and Justin Timberlake over more provocative performers, reviewing the script, voicing concerns about ad-libbed remarks and applying a 5-second audio delay. But the FCC lawyer said that CBS knowingly allowed a “highly sexualized performance” to take place, without concern for the risks involved.

I think I speak for all of us when I say: Who cares???