Once their Real World fame is over, Real Worlders are, tragically, forced back into the actual real world, and it’s not always pretty.
Exhibit A: A tipster sends us an application Real World: Australia cast member Shauvon Torres sent to a San Diego PR agency. It’s really one of the funnier things I’ve come across this year. I’ll start by saying that the photo above? Was included as a part of her application. (Tipster: “Is she going to wear that to work?”)
The short cover letter contains this sentence:
I would appreciate the opportunity to meet with you and show you the detection and great energy i have, if given the opportunity!
I’m not even going to talk about her refusal to capitalize the word “I” here. Instead, I’m going to focus on the “detection” she plans to apply to all the murder cases they deal with at Southern California public relations agencies. I honestly pondered this for hours before I realized she meant to say “dedication.”
I thought about copying and pasting her entire resume here, as the whole thing is just that funny, but instead I’m just going to highlight some of my favorite parts.
First, I will personally send $50 to anyone who can successfully create a sentence graph for her objective:
To obtain a position in the field I desire to grow and excel with as exceed my companyâ€™s expectations.
I’ve looked at this forward, backward and sideways, and it just doesn’t fit into the pattern I’ve come to recognize as “English.”
She also uses three full lines (of a three-page resume for an entry-level job) to talk about these very applicable skills she learned in college:
Mathematics: Trigonometry, Statistics, and Pre-Calculus
Science: Biology, General Chemistry, and General Physics
Trigonometry! Thank goodness! Because you cannot properly represent a PR client without a thorough understanding of the side-angle-side theorem.
And another one of my favorite parts, under experience:
MTV REAL WORLD 19 2007; 3months
~Reality Television show
I just, ugh, you guys, I can’t even talk about this or my head will explode. Oh, and the tildes? Those were on her actual resume. In Word. Like she’s never heard of a resume wizard.
Another bright spot of experience:
THE HORNET NEWSPAPER 2006-2007
~Produced and wrote own material for a column, that was published online and in print.
~Name of column; Sexcapdes
Sweetie. You can go ahead and leave the name of the column out next time, okay? Until you wind up auditioning for porn in three months. Then you can include the name. But leave out the semi-colon. Porn directors will settle for a regular colon there. In fact, anyone with a basic understanding of punctuation will.
Then she talks about how she was basically one of the girls in mini-skirts and bras running around a bar shilling for various liquor companies, which she names as “Smirnoff, Captain Morgan, Tattoo, Tangerey, Red Stripe, and Many more.” Now, I actually missed this one, but a friend of mine whom I forwarded this to mentioned that she misspelled “Tanqueray” there.
Okay I think I’m done ranting about this now. It’s just kind of sad to see these kids’ fifteen minutes of fame up and watch them flounder in a world where real skills count for something. And by “sad” I mean “hilarious.”
June 27, 2008 at 2:19 pm by Evil Beet
So Lisa Wilson, a woman who was a flight attendant on a private flight JLo took in 2006, is suing Jen for $5M, claiming the Jennifer’s dog lunged at her and bit her while she was walking down the aisle of the plane.
Lisa began treatment within days for back pain and in April of 2007 underwent surgery. Per the suit, she remains in treatment and has been unable to resume her work as a flight attendant, resulting inâ€”what else?â€””substantial economic loss.”
In her suit, she claims La Lopez “knew or should have known that the animal had vicious propensities” and as a result is liable for the seven-figure damages not only from the actress, but from her Los Angeles-based company, Nuyorican Productions.
Speaking of dogs on planes, Leo is going to take his first plane flight on Sunday morning! That’s right, my puppy and I are headed off to my old stomping grounds, NYC, to see my old pals and attend a fabulous party with a kick-ass music act, but more on that later. We’re going to stay with my friend Tiff, who has an adorable little Maltipoo named Fiona, whom Leo is eventually going to marry. We’re very excited!
June 27, 2008 at 1:46 pm by Evil Beet
Sigh. I suppose it was just a matter of time.
Paris Hilton is teaming up with beau
JoelBenji Madden to — ugh — record more music.
Paris tells E! News exclusively that the duo have been working in her new recording studio (conveniently located in her Beverly Hills mansion), writing songsâ€”including a theme for her upcoming MTV show My New BFF.
“Benji and I have been working hard on it,” Paris said. “He’s helping me write the lyrics for the song and then I’ll sing it, too.”
When asks if she’s going to subject the world to another album, Paris says “Definitely. I’ll have another album come out, for sure. I just don’t know when yet. I only have the summer off, then I’ll be taping another season of BFF. But an album is something I’ll do.”
So they’ve already signed her to do another season of that stupid show? Before the first one has even aired? And doesn’t that, like, blatantly suggest that she’s not actually looking for a best friend forever? She’s actually looking for a BFUTNSA — Best Friend Until The Next Season Airs.
June 27, 2008 at 1:33 pm by Evil Beet
Congratulations to Lindsay Lohan, who found out on the Internet today that she has a secret half-sister. Yes, it’s true, Michael Lohan had an affair with some other woman while he was still married to Dina, knocked her up, and had a baby. The girl’s 13 now, and Michael Lohan has decided to spill his guts to OK! magazine about it, before even telling the rest of his family, because he’s classy like that.
In a statement to OK!, Michael says, “Years later [the woman] contacted me, convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child.”
In fact, OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl’s mother where he says that his secret daughter “is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not.” He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed “Love Daddy.”
This man is the Devil. I mean, seriously, sit down and think of the level of craziness it takes to actually approach a celebrity mag and say “I’d like to tell you about my bastard child. Because what my daughter Lindsay — who finally seems to be pulling herself together — really needs is more public drama in her life.” It is an act of sheer, disgusting selfishness. Michael Lohan is a horrible, horrible human being, and if you see him on the street, I recommend you throw acid in his face.
June 27, 2008 at 1:27 pm by Evil Beet
Okay, sorry I’ve been gone all day. I slept through my alarm and then I had to run to my Russian lesson. I’m learning Russian so that I can speak it to the Russian baby I’m adopting next year. But I’m back now, and I’m glad I am, because someone sent me a link to this interview with Verne Troyer sex-tape partner Ranae Shrider.
She’s really a pretty boring interviewee, but the interview gets kind of interesting toward the end.
June 27, 2008 at 1:19 pm by Evil Beet
Congrats to Uma Thurman, who got engaged to hottie “financier” boyfriend Arpad Busson.
Arpad gave Uma a ring so big “she can’t fit it through the sleeve of her coat,” a friend said.
In other engagement news, congrats to Beet reader and my friend Trish, who got engaged this weekend to her boyfriend Jesse! Congrats you crazy kids!!!