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7Mario Lopez Does Cash Cab Just Like Us

Oh wait. That’s just a normal cab. Do you realize it’s been almost 20 years since Saved by the Bell started? That blows my mind.

Also, and on a completely unrelated note, I’d like to tell you about the movie WANTED starring Angelina Jolie. Ready?

It’s really good.

Whew. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I saw it a few nights back with my super secret hook-up connection that I also use for meth. So let’s get the buzz started people. I’m not a corporate shill. You can trust me. Leo has actually peed on me… which I’m hoping makes me extremely credible to loyal Beet readers.

June 20, 2008 at 12:53 pm by Spiteful Lars
Filed Under: Uncategorized

14Kristen Bell Loves Booze and Italian Fountains.

No, not really. She’s filming a little movie called “When in Rome” with Josh Duhamel. Has the universe made a decision yet as to whether she’s allowed to be a movie star? I’m firmly undecided, she seems a lot like a bunch of other actresses. My money is still on Heigl because she’s mean like a snake.

June 20, 2008 at 9:49 am by Spiteful Lars

7Happy Birthday Paula!

Paula Abdul just turned 46. Here she is leaving STK in Los Angeles last night (Note: don’t worry, she’s not driving).

To celebrate how about a lovely music video involving Ms. Abdul and a rapping cartoon cat? Ah yes, this takes me back.

June 20, 2008 at 9:34 am by Spiteful Lars
Filed Under: Paula Abdul

19Happy Friday Friendos!

I received a telegram from the Beet this morning, something to the effect of “Blah, blah, my jetsetter lifestyle has tuckered me out, would you like to be beaten to a pulp by my loyal readers?”

My answer is always yes. A joyous and hateful yes. Why? Because I like the Beet. She’s my girl. And her dog, Leo, is my boy. I’m not sure about those cats yet though.

Anyway, today we’ll be getting into fun videos, a bit of gossip, and my personal opinions on who I’d fatten up if they allowed me to date/defile them. Our first contestant? Keira Knightley!

“I always bare my breasts,” she said at the press conference to promote The Edge of Love Wednesday at the Edinburgh International Film Festival. “It’s not like it’s only in this film!”

Ah, I see. For those not in the “know” this is a brazen attempt to promote a movie that around eight people will see. Mostly because it’s the 12th period piece in a row out of Miss Knightley but also partially because it looks like that film Atonement all over again. Now then, on a more tragic note, my own personal breasts are way fuller and bouncier these days. I’m around a C cup.

Referring to a scene in the wartime romance The Edge of Love with her onscreen husband Cillian Murphy, Knightley said: “It was very simple. It was a sex scene and I never like them when they’ve got bras on.” So when the director asked her to remove her bra, “I said, ‘All right then.’”

Indeed. We’ve all been there. Also, have you seen Cillian Murphy? He’s extremely creepy looking.

Cillian Murphy is Creepy Looking

Ok then, that’s all for now. Just getting warmed up. Beet said she’d murder anyone that was mean to me but I told her it was no problem. I grew up in a broken home and I’ve already won a Pulitzer Prize for journalism. What could the internets commenters do to me?

June 20, 2008 at 8:43 am by Spiteful Lars
Filed Under: Keira Knightley

33The San Diego Zoo

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I just checked into my hotel in San Diego.

Why, some of you may ask, am I in San Diego on my way from Phoenix to Seattle?

Well, Papa Beet decided that if we were going to go through the state of California, we should stop in San Diego to see my sister. I explained to Papa Beet that California is a large state, and San Diego is about four hours out of our way, and my sister is not really that interesting. Papa Beet did not see the merit in my argument.

Still, though, why are we just getting to San Diego at 3:30 in the morning?

Well. We’d planned to get on the road around 6 pm — after Papa Beet got off work — which would land us in San Diego around 11 pm. I went to get my oil changed before I left, and the good folks at Jiffy Lube informed me that there was a nail in my tire. So I went to Discount Tire and got my tire fixed. And by the time I’d gotten home and we’d packed up the car and loaded up all the animals, it was 7:30 pm. Then we’d driven about 45 minutes when Papa Beet realized he’d forgotten his passport, and Papa Beet wants to visit Canada while he’s in Seattle. So we go back. By the time we get back to the place where we’d first turned around, there’s a huge accident on I-10 and we’re stuck in traffic for 45 minutes. All these factors combined to result in me reaching San Diego (which is four hours out of our way) at 3:30 in the morning.

Oh and when we passed border patrol in California, Papa Beet decided to be really funny and tell me in a very serious voice that they might not let Leo past because he’s a chihuahua and therefore Mexican. And I was exhausted and believed him and got all upset. Not funny, Papa Beet.

Also: Papa Beet has made breakfast plans with Sister Beet tomorrow morning, so Evil Beet can’t even sleep in.

And did I mention that there are three cats and a dog in my hotel room? And the dog is eating the cat food and the cats are eating the dog food and it’s making my head explode. I swear I could feed my animals dirt and they’d be happy, as long as they’re eating something other than the food they’re supposed to be eating.

And also Max is crying and he’s going to cry all night, because Max always cries all night the first night he’s in a new place.

That said, everyone in Hollywood who was alive yesterday appears to still be alive today. Including Lindsay Lohan, against all odds. And I love you guys very much but I don’t have the strength right now to update further.


June 20, 2008 at 4:08 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

12And I’m Off!

I’m hitting the road again this afternoon — driving back to Seattle with three cats and a puppy. PLUS, a Papa Beet! That’s right, Daddy Dearest will be accompanying me back on my trip. Papa Beet will ward off the evil bed bugs, I’m sure of it! Like last time, I’ll be updating in the evenings from my hotel.

Oh, and for those of you who care, Jamie-Lynn Spears named her baby girl Maddie Briann.


June 19, 2008 at 2:57 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized