Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Hooray for Kim Kardashian Child Porn!!!

Agency Tries to Sell Kim an Kourtney Kardashian Child Porn

Mostly what I’m excited for is all the search traffic I’m going to get from this post, from all the people searching for “child porn.”

Hello, pedophiles. Welcome to my site. If you’re going to be all disgusting and shit, at least click on some ads while you’re here. It’s the least you can do.

Anyway, guys, I had a fever of like 100 last night and I still feel like total ass today, so I don’t really have it in me to summarize anything. Here’s the article:

Decade-old explicit photos of Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, taken when the now famous sisters were underage, were offered for sale Wednesday by a San Fernando Valley photographer, according to the New York Daily News.

A criminal investigation is being launched over the dozen images, some of which include a naked man. It’s not clear whether the photographer knew that the siblings were just 16 and 17 at the time the pics were taken.

A rep for Kim told the paper, “Any publication that would print these pictures, which are considered child pornography, will be subject to the same criminal investigation as the agency who is attempting to sell them.”

This Is Why You Should Read Gossip Blogs, Not Gossip Mags

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From Page Six:

WHEN Angelina Jolie stepped out in a midriff-baring tank top, her emaciated stomach nearly ruined In Touch’s plans for this week’s cover: “Is Angelina Jolie pregnant?” To protect its story, the glossy bought exclusive rights to the shots of her taut torso “so no other weeklies could run them,” said an insider. In Touch claims Jolie gained 10 pounds in her chest, but conveniently cropped the photo above her flat stomach. “When Angelina showed up looking so skinny, they bought the photos,” our source said. The mag says, “The most striking area of Angelina’s weight gain is in her chest, which is why we focused on that area.”

See?

I already mentioned that Angelina’s breasts are suddenly huge, and didn’t even bother with the bullshit rumors that she might be pregnant.

One of The Hanson Girls Had to Go to the Hospital!!!

Isaac Hanson in Hospital with Pulmonary Embolism

It’s the oldest one, the one that looks like a horse.

She had to go in after complaining of chest and shoulder pain.

Man, some girls just get the worst PMS.

Okay, okay, technically it was a pulmonary embolism, which I guess can be really serious, but the doctors are saying she’ll be fine, so I’m going to go ahead and make my jokes, k?

I guess Hanson is on tour for an album I didn’t know existed. Because I’m old and out of touch with what the kids are listening to these days. I mean, unless there’s a corresponding nudie pic. Then it usually comes across my radar.

Hang in there, sister!!

Um, Apparently Britney Spears Doesn’t Even Sell Magazines Anymore

Jennifer Aniston Forbes Top Selling Famous Face

Neither do Lindsay Lohan or Jessica Simpson, according to Forbes magazine, who announced that none other than Jennifer Aniston was the top-selling famous face over a six-month period ending June 30.

Next up? Brad Pitt, followed by Scarlett Johansson, Angelina Jolie, Reese Witherspoon, Katie Holmes, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, Valerie Bertinelli and Kelly Ripa.

I think I speak for all of us when I say:

WHO THE HELL IS VALERIE BERTINELLI?

To explain Britney’s absence on the list, In Touch Weekly’s editor says: “Usually there’s a roller coaster of emotions. But unfortunately for Britney, there’s been no roller coaster lately — there’s just been the downhill.”

I’m sorry, but I have a lot of trouble believing that Jennifer Damn Aniston sells more magazines than Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan. If the magazines really felt this was true, why would they keep putting Britney on the covers instead of always running cover stories like “Jennifer Aniston: Still Too Busy Being Single To Save Any Africans or Make Interesting Movies.”

There must be other factors.