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41Cameron Diaz Is So Pretty and Skinny

I’m just saying that out loud. Because it’s what I think every time I see a photo of her. And, like, no matter how hard I try to be proud of myself for working out every day and eating responsibly and accept the fact that I am genetically unlikely to ever be 5’9″ and 110 pounds, every time I see a picture of her, specifically, I’m just like, “Dude, that’s what I should look like, if I were pretty.”

Cameron Diaz and Gisele Bunchen. It’s the two of them that I really struggle with. They both manage to look super-thin without looking anorexic or unhealthy. I think if they were both to put on like thirty pounds and keep it on, I’d be happy with my body. I really do just fine in the face of every other celebrity, but those two make me feel sorry for myself.

Here’s Cameron leaving the gym on Thursday, looking very pretty and skinny and effortlessly flawless and just all-around better than me. Sad face.

September 11, 2008 at 11:55 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Cameron Diaz

8Amy Winehouse is TOTALLY FINE: Exhibit 2,994,756

Here’s Amy at a DJ gig in London last night, where she apparently jammed on an acoustic guitar before attempting to jam several vinyl records down the backside of her leggings.

The photo agency says she later “suffered cuts to her legs and hands,” although they don’t specify exactly how.

For what it’s worth, Amy, I find it works better if you use the razor blades to cut the cocaine on, say, a mirror, instead of on your hands. Just my experience.

September 11, 2008 at 11:39 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Amy Winehouse

7I Should Have Saved My “There’s a Dog at Fashion Week” Joke

I used it up on Kelly Osbourne.

I had no idea I’d have the opportunity to use it on Aubrey O’Day.

I would have waited, if I’d known.

Actually, this dog looks a lot like the one in the Kelly Osbourne pic.

Apparently this is a photo of the dog being passed around Fashion Week for everyone to use.

There’s also a white puppy in it.

Ba-dum-bum-ching!

I am UNSTOPPABLE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

September 11, 2008 at 11:28 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Aubrey O'Day

16He’s the Biggest Celebrity in the World …

Barack Obama will be appearing on Saturday Night Live‘s season premiere this weekend, alongside national hero and giant-penis-possessor Michael Phelps, who is sure to draw an audience.

If Senator Obama wears a Speedo next to Michael Phelps, he’s got my vote. That’s the kind of bravery I want to see in my President.

September 11, 2008 at 11:18 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Barack Obama

8O.J.’s Second Jury Selected

Heh, how do you go about finding an unbiased jury for another O.J. Simpson trial?

You don’t, really, unless you’re going to start combing the local elementary schools (actually, I just did the math and realized the high schools would be fine, too, and that makes me feel exceedingly old), but a Las Vegas courtroom settled on twelve men and women to oversee the upcoming Simpson trial. He’s being charged with armed robbery, kidnapping, conspiracy and other charges related to an alleged sports memorabilia heist that OJ’s accused of masterminding last year. Because, ya know, he’s a really good decision-maker and not at all impulsive. The kidnapping charge alone could land him a life sentence in prison.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If O.J. Simpson gets away with a double murder and, nearly fifteen years later, goes to prison for life for trying to steal some sports plaques out of a hotel room, my head will explode. Just explode.

September 11, 2008 at 10:54 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: O.J. Simpson

576Why It Doesn’t Matter That Sarah Palin’s an Idiot

Hey, have you seen the video of Charlie Gibson interviewing VP candidate Sarah Palin?

No?

You can watch it here.

And, like, yes, it is painfully obvious that this woman is laughably unqualified to run the United States. Charlie Gibson asks her about the Bush Doctrine, codified in 2002, and she clearly has no idea what he’s talking about, and he rubs that in. He uses big words like “existential” and “hubris” and she clearly has no idea what those words mean, although she does a decent job of interpreting them in context. Charlie pronounces “nuclear” correctly repeatedly, highlighting the fact that she pronounces it incorrectly, repeatedly, and jesusfuckingchrist wasn’t the whole point of this election to get someone — anyone — in office who could correctly pronounce the word “nuclear”?? She’s never met a foreign head of state, but mentions that you can actually see Russia from some parts of Alaska, so that’s kind of the same thing, right? It just goes on and on. She has absolutely no grasp on the history of U.S. foreign policy. It’s worse than I expected, honestly. It’s horrible. I mean, it’s horrible.

And it occurs to me that it doesn’t matter.

It’s not news to me that Sarah Palin knows nothing about foreign affairs. And it’s not news to John McCain.

Here’s the thing: I’m kind of a bitch. And, every now and then, I run into somebody very stupid and painfully uneducated who disagrees with me about something. And, most of the time, I let it slide and move on because I just have better things to do than argue with uneducated, irrational people. But sometimes I’m just in a bad mood for whatever reason, and looking to make someone else feel like a total idiot, and so that’s what I do. I leverage the fact that I have a ton of first-rate education and training in logic to argue that perfectly nice person into a corner and make them look like an absolute fool, and when they’re on the floor and bruised and beating and coughing up blood, I kick them some more. And then some more. Because I’m a grumpy bitch and I’m gonna take it out on them. And when I do that, a funny thing happens. My friends — who I know agree with my side of the argument in theory — start to side with the other person. Because it’s painful to watch an innocent, simple, poorly educated nice person get ripped to shreds intellectually, and you feel obliged to defend that person.

Charles Gibson went to Princeton University, and currently serves on their Board of Trustees.

Sarah Palin attended a series of small colleges in Idaho, eventually managing to graduate from the University of Idaho.

Whose education sounds more like yours?

If the remainder of this election is going to consist of Ivy-educated old men making Sarah Palin look like a fool, you can just go ahead and hand John McCain the keys to the White House. Because it doesn’t matter that she’s a fucking idiot. It doesn’t matter in the Gibson interviews and it won’t matter in the VP debate. She’s a fucking idiot with five kids and a sweet, young face and she’s trying really hard and she loves America and don’t you dare act all high and mighty on her just because you went to some fancy school and got some fancy education and know all these facts and statistics and things because there is more to a person than just how many silly facts they can pull out of their ass.

It does not matter that Sarah Palin is a moron. As long as these fancy-pants old men keep making her look like a moron, she’s going to win over voters. They may not quite know why, but they’ll find themselves rooting for her. Could this approach ever work with Hillary? No, it could not. Because Hillary Clinton is competent. Would it work on a male VP candidate who was equally ill-informed? No. We expect men to be competent.

The selection of Sarah Palin as VP candidate has absolutely nothing to do with feminism. It’s just the opposite. It’s about playing on our natural inclination to expect less from women. It’s gross, it grows increasingly infuriating to me as time passes, and, also, it’s working.

September 11, 2008 at 9:48 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: John McCain, Sarah Palin