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9Paris Hilton Solemnly Vows to Let No Head of Hair Go Unextended

Hey, remember how, after Paris Hilton got out of jail, she was all like “I will dedicate the rest of my life to helping those less fortunate than me” and we were all kind of hoping she’d, ya know, make generous donations to inner-city schools or fund an AIDS research clinic or start a food bank?

Well, she did none of those things.

She did something better.

Paris knows that not everybody can spend thousands of dollars on ultra-pricey hair extensions like her own, so she’s dedicated her life to coming out with cheaper and crappier hair extensions that everyone can buy!

Up now: the Bandit, which is being described in press releases as “the first interchangeable hair extension headband.” The Bandit extensions will come in three different lengths and various colors.

Paris will be debuting this new contraption at a private press conference on Saturday.

I can’t wait.

August 21, 2008 at 10:42 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Paris Hilton

17Welcome Home, Nastia!

Olympic gymnastics all-around champ Nastia Liukin returned home to the US today and got to show off her vast array of medals.

Congrats, Nastia!

I also found an old photo — from April 2006 — of Nastia and the 2004 all-around champ, Carly Patterson, at the premiere of Stick It and just had to share it with you guys. They grow up so fast!

August 21, 2008 at 10:31 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Nastia Liukin

18Good Riddance!

Richard Hayes Stone, the uncle who Teri Hatcher accused of molesting her as a child, has died in prison of colon cancer.

He was serving a 14-year sentence for the molestation of a California teen, Sarah Van Cleemput. Sarah shot herself in the head in 2002 at the age of 14, leaving behind a note that said “You’re probably thinking that a normal teenager doesn’t do this; well, ask Dick.”

When Teri heard about the story, she told authorities her story of molestation by the same man, and that was all they needed to put him in prison, where he just died.

You won’t be missed around here, asshole.

August 21, 2008 at 10:20 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Teri Hatcher

4Your Coke Bottle: Now in Aluminum

Just what you always wanted: a teeny tiny Coke bottle made of aluminum.

Yay.

Apparently the tag line they’re going with is “Taste That’s Real, Cool You Can Feel.”

And to launch their new product?

Coca-Cola brought in heavyweights like Ed Westwick, Robert Verdi and, uh, Nik from America’s Next Top Model?

If you’re looking to launch a competing line of soda, now seems like it would be a good time to do so.

August 21, 2008 at 10:07 pm by Evil Beet

35Britney to Finally Record Duet with Justin???

Sources are reporting that Britney Spears will do a duet with Justin Timberlake, and that it’ll appear on Britney’s new album, due at the end of the year. (Really? That’s soon!)

Um, I wonder how Jessica Biel feels about Britney and Justin spending all that studio time together?

Because, really, how freakin’ phenomenal would it be if Brit and Justin got back together? I don’t think anything could make me happier. And then if they got married and started adopting kids from Africa? Oh, oh, oh! I can’t think about this anymore, I get too worked up.

August 21, 2008 at 1:26 pm by Evil Beet

16More on the Courtenay Semel Arrest

Ahhhhhh ha ha ha ha!

Being a spoiled brat is so hard sometimes.

I reported earlier today that Tila Tequila’s gal-pal/famewhoring socialite Courtenay Semel spent some time in jail on Wednesday. Now we have the details on why.

A source says Semel, a former friend of Lindsay Lohan and the 26-year-old Tequila’s current girlfriend, was at Caesars Palace’s Pure Nightclub that evening and left her cell phone on the property. When she went back to retrieve it, the club was closed.

“She demanded that they find [the phone] and hit the security guard,” the source says.

Las Vegas Metro Police Officer Jay Rivera confirms that Courtenay “struck a hotel security guard in the back of the head.” She was cited for battery and released.

So her drunk ass left her cell phone at a club and then decided it was someone else’s fault, and that someone needed to be assaulted. On the back of the head. Talk about pent-up anger.

It’s like, I’ve definitely been in the situation where someone’s actions — particular the bitchy actions of those asshole bouncers at Vegas clubs who strut around like they own the whole world when you know they have penises the size of my thumb — make me so mad that I fantasize about smacking them real hard in the back of the head. But the difference is that I don’t do it. Because I was raised in a world where actions have consequences, so I learned that I couldn’t necessarily act on my every whim. Courtenay Semel obviously never learned that as a child, so she’s having to figure it out as an adult, which is a more painful and embarrassing time to learn such things.

Money can’t buy happiness, kids.

Is there a mug shot out there somewhere? Oh, Lord, I hope so.

August 21, 2008 at 1:17 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Courtenay Semel