I guess 14-year-old Ali Lohan thinks she’s “making a name for herself.”
Which is totally true, if by “making a name for herself” she means “being Lindsay Lohan’s little sister.”
Ali’s being featured in the new issue of Teen Vogue — which you should buy only because Blake Lively’s on the cover — and boy does she have some disturbing things to say.
Here’s what she has to say about her impending
I want it so bad. So bad you don’t even know. And now, it’s actually happening … I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you â€¦ it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it’s just a really good feeling to have.
Oh, I don’t even know where to start on this.
First, let’s discuss what’s “actually happening” for Ali right now. She’s co-starring in an upcoming reality TV show with her crazy-ass mother, which Lindsay Lohan is basically refusing to participate in, so the thing’s gonna crash and burn. She’s kinda-sorta thinking about releasing an album, which will fail if it ever gets made, and — to top it all off — she might audition for High School Musical 3! Jesus. Christ. You’ve just described the life of every 14-year-old in the greater Los Angeles area. Honestly, I think that’s how most agents are pitching themselves to the under-20 crowd these days. “I might be able to get you an audition for High School Musical 3!” Let’s just put Ali’s name on an Emmy right now.
And then let’s talk about this: “Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you â€¦ it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it’s just a really good feeling to have.”
Yes, exactly, Ali. What you need to start doing at this age is formulating a sense of self-worth based entirely on the misguided feelings of people who never have and never will meet you. At 14, it’s important to be viewed as larger-than-life — deified, almost — by total strangers. That way, when what you feel inside doesn’t even begin to compare with the image the public has created for you, you can have a total meltdown by age 17 and become a raging, self-destructive alcoholic. It’s all worked out so well for Lindsay. I can imagine why you’d want the same.
Take a hint from Jamie-Lynn, Ali — just get knocked up and move on with your life.