Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Who, Me? Oh, I Just Happened to Be in the Neighborhood, So I Thought I’d Have Lunch at the Ivy!

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Phoebe Price Ass Butt Pictures, Photos, No Underwear, Panties,

Who the fuck is Phoebe Price?

It is my whole fucking job to know who these people are, and I cannot for the life of me understand why people know or care about Phoebe Price. I’ve basically avoided writing about her in the past, but I think it’s time we got to the bottom of this. Who is she?

I’ve actually been at events with her. I’ve personally watched her whore it up on the red carpet and inside assorted parties, and I still have no idea who she is.

She’s not pretty.

She doesn’t have a famous family.

She doesn’t date a famous person.

She’s not on a TV show, nor has she ever had more than a minor role in a minor movie.

She’s never committed a serious crime or been involved in any scandal.

How did she become famous?

Anyway, here’s Phoebe, doing whatever it is she does on Robertson on Tuesday.

Oh, Shut Up and Go to High School, Ali Lohan

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I guess 14-year-old Ali Lohan thinks she’s “making a name for herself.”

Which is totally true, if by “making a name for herself” she means “being Lindsay Lohan’s little sister.”

Ali’s being featured in the new issue of Teen Vogue — which you should buy only because Blake Lively’s on the cover — and boy does she have some disturbing things to say.

Here’s what she has to say about her impending doom fame:

I want it so bad. So bad you don’t even know. And now, it’s actually happening … I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you … it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it’s just a really good feeling to have.

Oh, I don’t even know where to start on this.

First, let’s discuss what’s “actually happening” for Ali right now. She’s co-starring in an upcoming reality TV show with her crazy-ass mother, which Lindsay Lohan is basically refusing to participate in, so the thing’s gonna crash and burn. She’s kinda-sorta thinking about releasing an album, which will fail if it ever gets made, and — to top it all off — she might audition for High School Musical 3! Jesus. Christ. You’ve just described the life of every 14-year-old in the greater Los Angeles area. Honestly, I think that’s how most agents are pitching themselves to the under-20 crowd these days. “I might be able to get you an audition for High School Musical 3!” Let’s just put Ali’s name on an Emmy right now.

And then let’s talk about this: “Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you … it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it’s just a really good feeling to have.”

Yes, exactly, Ali. What you need to start doing at this age is formulating a sense of self-worth based entirely on the misguided feelings of people who never have and never will meet you. At 14, it’s important to be viewed as larger-than-life — deified, almost — by total strangers. That way, when what you feel inside doesn’t even begin to compare with the image the public has created for you, you can have a total meltdown by age 17 and become a raging, self-destructive alcoholic. It’s all worked out so well for Lindsay. I can imagine why you’d want the same.

Take a hint from Jamie-Lynn, Ali — just get knocked up and move on with your life.

Writers Are Lazy Bastards

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Maxim magazine has issued a formal apology to the Black Crowes after printing a dismal review of their upcoming album, written by a writer who hadn’t heard the entire album.

Maxim gave the Crowes’ new album, Warpaint, a rating of two-and-a-half stars out of five.

The band — fronted by Kate Hudson’s ex-husband, Chris Robinson — flipped out, and posted on their website that the writer certainly could not have heard the whole album, as advance copies have not yet been released.

The Crowes’ manager, Pete Angelus, said the magazine explained that its review was an “educated guess.” This is terribly amusing to me, as the Crowes have currently released only one track off the album. Yes, folks, one track. So, I mean, the rating wasn’t based on, like, listening to half the album. The rating was based, I take it, on the “educated guess” that any album put out by the Black Crowes at this point is just gonna suck.

Maxim editorial director James Kaminsky responded Tuesday with this statement: “It is Maxim’s editorial policy to assign star ratings only to those albums that have been heard in their entirety. Unfortunately, that policy was not followed in the March 2008 issue of our magazine and we apologize to our readers.”

This is all too funny to me.

Can You Go to Jail for a Misdemeanor?

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Please, please say you can.

How about four?

Mischa Barton was slapped with four misdemeanors on Tuesday, stemming from her DUI arrest late last year.

Mischa was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, driving while having a 0.08 percent or higher blood alcohol level, driving without a valid license and possession of marijuana (28.5 grams or less).

She’s scheduled to be arraigned on Thursday.

Pamela Anderson Seeks Annulment

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So I ran into an old high-school classmate at a party a couple of months ago. I hadn’t really seen her since high school. She’d married her high-school sweetheart after nearly a decade of dating, but the marriage itself was short-lived; they separated after only two months, and decided to make the split permanent soon after. She’d ended up getting an annulment just weeks before I saw her, and, after downing an entire flask of vodka in one swig (very impressive), she bemoaned the absence of a spot for annulments on the “Marital Status” field of assorted forms. “They have ‘single,’ they have ‘divorced,’ they have ‘widow,’” she complained. “Why isn’t there an ‘annulee’ field? I’m not a divorcee, I’m an annulee!” I dunno, maybe you had to be there — or maybe you had to be there with vodka — but we laughed for like 20 minutes about that. Maybe because, in a situation like that, there’s not much else to do but laugh your ass off with the people who knew you before life became so complicated.

Anyway.

Pamela Anderson is tired of being a divorcee and ready to become an annulee. She’s filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Salomon, citing “fraud” as the reason, with no further explanation.

This oughtta be good.