Today's Evil Beet Gossip

It Never Fails!

I’m sorry for my new obsession with Caridee English, but she is everywhere lately, and she always just looks awful. Every. Single. Time.

Here she is at Chace Crawford’s 23rd birthday party in New York, looking all sorts of drunk and totally failing to look any more modelesque than the default photos of 8 million sorority girls on Facebook. Seriously if this photo is any indication, there are about 15,000 girls from Southern Oregon University alone who also should have won ANTM.

And WTF is on the table next to her? Is that a quarter? Why, God, why? Were they playing Quarters Chandelier? With wine? I have a hangover just thinking about it.

Also there: Blake Lively and Penn Badgley, looking all sorts of adorable, and Lydia Hearst, looking like someone who showed up to get her photo taken.

Certified Star!

Christian Bale may be back on our radar big time with the astounding success of The Dark Knight, but, in the second major tragedy of the day, the hottie British actor is way, way off the market.

He’s been married for over eight years to Sandra Blazic, who was once Winona Ryder’s personal assistant. And to make the homewrecking even more difficult, they have an adorable three-year-old daughter, Emmeline, who Christian was carrying around at LAX on Saturday.

Dude, that little girl has an actress’s eyes. I’m calling it right now. She’ll be on the big screen in no time at all.

[Image via Splash]

TRAGEDY STRIKES! MINI-ME SEX TAPE SHELVED!

SAD FACE!

You know, most of the time, it’s just all light-hearted fun and gossip around these parts. We don’t take ourselves or any one story too seriously, and one day blends into the next.

But every once in awhile there’s a story that grabs you in the pit of your stomach, pulls at your heartstrings, and makes you almost nauseous with the genuine tragedy of it all. These days stay with us.

Today is one of those days.

The Verne Troyer sex tape will not be released. The parties have reached a settlement in the lawsuit Verne brought against potential distributors.

Records show that Blatt and SugarDVD have signed agreements requiring that they get Troyer’s approval before selling or distributing the tape or any images from it.

Edwin McPherson, one of Troyer’s attorneys, said the actor has no intention of granting approval.

Dude, I know this is a Hail Mary, but we can we just all pray that Verne gets so low on cash he has to agree to let this thing be distributed? Please? Please???

(And, no, I will never get tired of running this photo. In fact, even when this story is good and dead and no one remembers Ranae Shrider’s name, I will still, on occasion, run this photograph, because it is just that awesome.)

The Bitch Is Back!

Oh. Hells. Yes.

Shannen Doherty and her off-center eyes (seriously has anyone else noticed that one is a half-inch higher on her face than the other?) will be returning as Brenda Walsh in 90210v2.0. The show’s executive producer confirmed the news on Saturday.

Brenda will be a visiting drama teacher who directs a musical at West Beverly High School.

I can’t wait to hear about all the off-camera drama between Shannen and Jennie Garth!!! Those two HATE each other!!!