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Heidi Montag Heidiwood Short Black Shorts, Pictures, Photos

It was bad. So bad. To Montag’s credit, she trumpets Heidiwood’s prices of $10 to $60 for any given item — compared to the triple-digit tags on L.C.’s line, that’s a sure sign that she at least she understands her demographic. And yet everything we saw still gave us sticker shock. Paper-thin tanks for $27? Flimsy, panty-line-molesting dresses at nearly 40 bucks? Sure, that’s a steal compared to Marc Jacobs, but not far enough removed from what you’d pay at the Gap for something that’s at least 100 percent cotton and unlikely to give you a rash. When $37 seems exorbitant for a dress, you know you’ve got problems. In fact, it cemented our suspicion that Heidi is turning into Paris 2.0: terrible singer, lame boyfriends, famous mostly for on-camera pouting, and excessively eager to merchandise herself, regardless of actual quality.

Luckily, it’s possible no one else is interested. Not only were we alone in visiting Heidiwood, we were the sole shoppers at that Anchor Blue, period, exposing us to the naked curiosity of the employees. “Are you a … fan of Heidi?” one of them asked. We murmured something unintelligible, much like the previous day when we called to confirm the clothes’ arrival and the store clerk said, “Are you … um … interested in the Heidi Montag stuff?” He might as well have enquired, “Are you eating glass?” But the store’s emptiness ultimately saved us — with customers nearby, we’d have lacked the guts to open the dressing-room doors.

There’s a reason, by the way, that we only photographed Montag’s designs looking unattractive on the hanger and not on ourselves: No self-respecting grown woman should allow herself to be seen in these garments. Only two of the twelve items have sleeves, and just one — a pair of jeans — extends past mid-thigh. In fact, only one other thing extends past the upper thigh: a dress that would have been mildly acceptable had it not been made from the kind of cotton you usually only see on Target’s discount panties. At one point, we faced each other: One of us wore black short-shorts with a one-inch inseam (half a thumb, for real) and a zebra-striped tank with a faux-chiffon back bow; the other, a white-denim, butt-cleavage-baring skirt with a backless teal top that’s baggy in the bust and tight at the gut — perfect if you haven’t eaten pasta in ten years and have ginormous implants (sound familiar?). The stuff was the complete opposite of flattering. We looked like rejects from Rock of Love II with Bret Michaels; stick us on the hood of a car and Whitesnake would’ve appeared, guitars in hand.

The girls from Go Fug Yourself, discussing their experience with Heidi Montag’s fashion line in NY Mag.

Ack!

Those shorts!

I feel fat just looking at them. Like, I don’t even know if my vagina could fit in those.

In fairness, this article was written by intelligent, educated, mature adult women. Which is not exactly Heidi’s target demo. These thing’ll fly off the rack at Old Navy and shit, purchased by 11-year-olds who are rocking those sexy, ultra-skinny legs that most of us normal people associate only with pre-pubescence.

Phil Stacey!!!

In case you haven’t seen it, here’s the video for American Idol almost-was Phil Stacey’s first single, “If You Didn’t Love Me.”

I don’t know why, but I tend to just never like male country singers. I actually really like a lot of female country singers, but men singing country is just unendingly boring to me. So I’m not big on this.

What do you guys think?

Phil’s self-titled debut album is expected to hit stores April 29.

That Chick At Yale Outsmarted Perez Hilton

Aliza Shvartz, Pictures, Photos

I know, I know.

Weird, right?

Here at Evil Beet, we decided not to cover the story of Aliza Shvartz (Best. Name. Ever.), the Yale undergrad who claimed she impregnated herself and aborted the fetuses regularly as some form of bizarre art project.

We didn’t cover it because I figured the story went one of two ways:

1) It was all some retarded prank (an “herbal” abortion? Um, right …) or
2) This girl was getting a ton of press coverage for something I feel is morally reprehensible. You know, I’m all about a woman’s right to choose, but to intentionally get pregnant with the knowledge that you will, for sure, intentionally abort the fetus, is disgusting in so many ways, and then to use the fact that you did this to score free press? Disgusting, and I won’t have any part of it.

Fortunately, #1 was the correct answer.

The whole thing was a prank. Er, um, excuse me: the whole thing was “performance art.”

Yale University issued this statement tonight:

Ms. Shvarts is engaged in performance art. Her art project includes visual representations, a press release and other narrative materials. She stated to three senior Yale University officials today, including two deans, that she did not impregnate herself and that she did not induce any miscarriages. The entire project is an art piece, a creative fiction designed to draw attention to the ambiguity surrounding form and function of a woman’s body.

She is an artist and has the right to express herself through performance art.

Had these acts been real, they would have violated basic ethical standards and raised serious mental and physical health concerns.

So, um, yeah.

We didn’t fall for it. Or make a huge fuss about it.

That’s more than I can say for some other bloggers.

Why I Am Not Doing American Idol Recaps This Season

I’ve gotten so many comments and emails about this that I figured I should just make a general announcement about it.

I LOVED doing American Idol recaps. It was incredibly fun, and a great outlet for all my venom. And I’m delighted to find how much you all liked them, and how much you miss them. It fills my evil little heart with pride.

Through a variety of strange series of events, the three places I have lived in since late January (yes, I’ve moved around a lot) didn’t have very good access to television. Like, at my dad’s place, there was a TV set, but no actual cable access. We could only watch DVDs. Part of my dad’s grand scheme for “mindful living.” And at my new place in Seattle, there’s a TV, but no DVR or TiVo, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to turn the closed captioning off. So watching TV is almost painful out here.

I plan to remedy this situation for next season, and bring back the recaps, but I’ve honestly only seen a handful of episodes this season myself.

She’s Everywhere!

Eva Amurri Pictures, Photos

All of a sudden, it seems like Eva Amurri is hitting the red carpet at every event the city of New York can churn out. I see this girl everywhere these days.

Here she is at Conde Nast’s “Hot List” party.

What’s the verdict on the dress? It seems like this long, loose sleeve look is really in right now, but it takes a hell of a woman to walk the red carpet in a dress based almost entirely on the concept of horizontal stripes.

Nobody Wants to Be Paris Hilton’s BFF

paris_tits5.jpg

Insiders in the New York area report that the casting call for Paris Hilton’s upcoming reality show — where she’s going to choose a new BFF — had dismal results. They say only 40 to 50 people showed up.

Said Paris on her MySpace page: there were “NO open calls for the show” and “every event is exclusive and hand-picked by invitation only … I didn’t want my potential BFFs to have to wait in a long open-call lines.”

In fairness, this is probably true. I did some research over on RealityWanted.com, which passed me over to parisbff.com, which said the following:

We are coming to the following cities and holding “Meet and Greet Mixers” where we will scout potential cast members who will be invited to attend Interviews with our casting directors on the following days. To be invited to the Mixers, email parisbffcasting@gmail.com with Name, Pic and Phone Number.
To be scheduled for an interview, apply on www.ParisBff.com/viplist.

Tragically, the application cut-off was April 15, or I swear to you guys I would be preparing my application tape right this moment. Maybe I should send them an email just in case? I’ve never wanted to be on a reality TV show in my whole life, but I totally want to do this one.