Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Yup, Mariah Carey’s Engaged to Nick Cannon

Cougar power!

The 38-year-old hottie and songstress is engaged to 27-year-old Nick Cannon, according to a source close to the couple.

Nick was engaged to Selita Ebanks for awhile, but that never actually happened, so this’ll be the first marriage for Nick if it happens. Mariah, of course, was married to Tommy Mottola for five years.

I just can’t hate on Mariah. I want to, I do, but I kind of love her. I’m obsessed with her new album, and I hope to be able to score 27-year-old hotties when I’m approaching 40.

Does Anyone Care If There’s a Tape of Angelina Jolie Doing Heroin?

Rumor is that someone is shopping a tape of Angelina Jolie snorting and smoking heroin. They’re asking $70K for the tape, which reportedly includes Angie saying “Wow, this is really good smack – not that cheap crap that’s been stepped on.” The tape was made in the ’90s, just before Angelina became a huge star.

I’m honestly not all that excited about this possibility. Like, Angie’s been straightforward and honest about her past drug use, so this won’t be particularly exciting or revelatory; it’ll just suck for her kids to see it when they get older.

I, for one, don’t care.

Benji Madden Wrote a Song About Paris Hilton

Isn’t it every girl’s dream to have a rock star write a song about you?

Well, Paris Hilton has officially realized that dream.

Benji Madden has written a song about his girlfriend, Paris Hilton. It’s called “Shine Your Light [Into the Vast Cavern That Is My Vagina, Because I Think The Last Guy Left His Car Keys In There].” No, I’m kidding. It’s just called “Shine Your Light.” And I bet it really, really sucks.

Says Paris: “He actually wrote me a beautiful song, and actually recorded it in the studio. He surprised me with it. It’s called, ‘Shine Your Light.’ It’s this really beautiful love song about me. It was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me.”

Oh, Paris. I hate you so.

Scarlett Johansson Was Going to Make a Music Video, But She Got Her Makeup Done Instead

Here’s the video from the first (and hopefully last!) single off of Scarlett Johansson’s improbable album of Tom Waits covers.

It pretty much plays like a glorified episode of Making the Video. It’s actually rather boring and unimaginative coming from a girl who decided she was actually going to make an album of Tom Waits covers. I was fully prepared for her to, like, dissect a pig and wrap its innards around her waist and then skip nude through the Rockefeller Center while wearing a turban and eating French fries. This is pretty tame.

Casting Call!

I became a member of RealityWanted.com in order to get all the info on the Paris Hilton casting drama, and now I get regular emails about upcoming reality casting calls. And most of the time they are hilarious. I mean, sometimes they’re just looking to do fashion makeovers or interviews with real estate agents or something equally boring, but a lot of the time I read these and I’m like “Who the hell in their right mind is actually going to respond to this?”

So I’m starting a new segment called “Casting Call,” where I will bring you the best and brightest of these soon-to-be reality gems.

Up first:

Are you a mother who needs a little help just to get by? Do you HAVE to have a drink during the day just to cope with your life? Do you sometimes take more of your medication than you should because you’ve had a bad day? Do you ever do illegal drugs to help you stay sane? If you need a little pick me up to get through the day, we want to hear your story. If you are interested in talking about your experience, please send me an email for more information.

So: if you’re a shitty mother who wants the whole world to know about your active drug problem, making certain that your kids will be called “crack-baby” on the playground, click here for more info.