Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Okay Okay I’m Awake Now

Ha ha, you guys, I decided at like 1 am last night to try to secure my wireless network. I like to keep it unsecured, just to repay the universe for all the Internet connections I’ve stolen over the course of my lifetime, but strange things were happening with it and I decided it was best if I secured it. So I secured it with a WAP key, not knowing that the actual key I gave it was not going to be my password, because there’s some strange formula that converts it to a hexadecimal code and THAT’S your password, etc, etc, etc. Long story short: I locked myself out of my own Internet connection and was up until 4 am trying to figure out how to get back in.

I crack myself up.

So I just woke up to learn that absolutely nothing is going on today. So I’m going to try to find some fun pictures for you guys.

Paris Hilton Solemnly Vows to Let No Head of Hair Go Unextended

Hey, remember how, after Paris Hilton got out of jail, she was all like “I will dedicate the rest of my life to helping those less fortunate than me” and we were all kind of hoping she’d, ya know, make generous donations to inner-city schools or fund an AIDS research clinic or start a food bank?

Well, she did none of those things.

She did something better.

Paris knows that not everybody can spend thousands of dollars on ultra-pricey hair extensions like her own, so she’s dedicated her life to coming out with cheaper and crappier hair extensions that everyone can buy!

Up now: the Bandit, which is being described in press releases as “the first interchangeable hair extension headband.” The Bandit extensions will come in three different lengths and various colors.

Paris will be debuting this new contraption at a private press conference on Saturday.

I can’t wait.

Welcome Home, Nastia!

Olympic gymnastics all-around champ Nastia Liukin returned home to the US today and got to show off her vast array of medals.

Congrats, Nastia!

I also found an old photo — from April 2006 — of Nastia and the 2004 all-around champ, Carly Patterson, at the premiere of Stick It and just had to share it with you guys. They grow up so fast!

Good Riddance!

Richard Hayes Stone, the uncle who Teri Hatcher accused of molesting her as a child, has died in prison of colon cancer.

He was serving a 14-year sentence for the molestation of a California teen, Sarah Van Cleemput. Sarah shot herself in the head in 2002 at the age of 14, leaving behind a note that said “You’re probably thinking that a normal teenager doesn’t do this; well, ask Dick.”

When Teri heard about the story, she told authorities her story of molestation by the same man, and that was all they needed to put him in prison, where he just died.

You won’t be missed around here, asshole.