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18I Am Going to Start Automating the Amy Winehouse Rehab Stories

Seriously, you guys, rather than write these things every month, I’m just going to create a software program that knows to pump them out every 4-5 weeks. I’m going to patent it and sell it to all other news agencies.

Here is a rough look at the pseudo-code:


printf("OMG you guys! Amy Winehouse went to rehab! She had some trouble with the cops because of $police_issue and so she checked herself into rehab at $london_clinic with the help of her good pal $other_druggie. Her father, Mitch Winehouse, said Amy was just going into the clinic because she was struggling with $fabricated_illness.")

WHERE

$police_issue = { 'failing to appear at a court date' | 'involvement in bar brawl' | 'ingestion of enough illegal drugs to kill Keith Richards' } && !{'cooperation'}

$london_clinic = { 'Harley Street' || 'Focus 12' || 'London Clinic' } $$ !{'jail'}

$other_druggie = { 'Blake Civil-Fielder' || 'Blake Wood' || 'the cab driver'}

$fabricated_illness = { 'chest infection' || 'pneumonia' || 'rabies' } && !{'crack in her lungs'}

Sigh.

Best of luck to ya, Amy, but I've still got you as tops in my death pool.

October 26, 2008 at 11:36 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Amy Winehouse

13People Who Are Having a Worse Monday Than You

I’m in Monday denial, you guys. I’ve been the laziest human being on the planet all weekend, and, I love you, but I am soooo not feeling like working right now. I’m really way too busy feeling sorry for myself, which is what happens when I spend an entire weekend being lazy and get stuck in my head, where I invent problems with which to entertain myself.

So I’m fucking around on the computer, doing ANYTHING but my job, and I’m really just devoting all my energy to self-pity, which is kind of like a black hole in the sense that the more it sucks in the more powerful it becomes. (Strangely, the same can be said for Karrine “Supahead” Steffans.) But I wind up on CNN.com, and do you guys know that there is so much tragic shit going on right now? I mean, is shit always this tragic, or does it just seem like it right now? Here’s a run-down of the tragic shit going on right now:

1) The Jennifer Hudson uber-tragedy.
2) Four high-school cheerleaders — two of whom were sisters — killed in a horrific car crash in Tennessee. Also dead: the driver of the other car, and the unborn child of one of its passengers.
3) Two dead in an Arkansas university shooting.
4) That young TV anchor found brutally beaten last week? Died of her injuries over the weekend. Police still have no suspect or motive, and believe the attack may have been random.

And that’s just the shit on CNN right now. And I didn’t even count the war stuff.

Goddamn.

Maybe I’ll just forward this URL to CuteOverload.com for the week. News is awful. Aminals are awesome.

October 26, 2008 at 11:18 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

22Jennifer Hudson Family Update

Jennifer Hudson has offered a $100,000 reward for the safe return of her nephew Julian.  The FBI is involved in the search for him.

Julian’s stepfather William Balfour is still in police custody but no charges have been filed against him.

October 26, 2008 at 4:57 pm by Wendie
Filed Under: Jennifer Hudson

14A Time For Kindness

Mischa Barton appeared at the Guitar Hero World Tour Party last night in L.A.  You guys know how I feel about her.  I can’t believe I’m about to say this.  She didn’t look totally horrible.  A flattering angle for the cankles and no headband really help distract me from all the fringe she’s wearing.  So…OK…labored breathing here…she didn’t look so bad. 

I think I’m drunk.

Oh, and I don’t know who this chick Aisha from American Idol is, but she needs to know that clear anti-perspirant is the way to go when wearing strapless.  Pit cheese is very wrong.

 

October 26, 2008 at 4:41 pm by Wendie
Filed Under: Mischa Barton

12HSM3 Ranks #1

No surprises here but High School Musical 3: Senior Year was the weekend’s top grossing movie with ticket sales of $42M. 

Ashley Tisdale and other cast members at The 3rd Rome International Film Festival High School Musical 3 Premiere.  Her dress is a little Vegas showgirl, i.e. I love it.  I’m actually loving her as a brunette too!

Director Kenny Ortega needs to lay off the caffeine.  Or coke.

October 26, 2008 at 3:10 pm by Wendie
Filed Under: Ashley Tisdale

12Terrence Howard’s Expensive Week

It hasn’t been going too well for Terrence Howard lately.  First, he was replaced in the Iron Man sequel.  Now he has been slapped with a $5 million lawsuit.  Composer Tex Allen, brother of choreographer Debbie, alleges that Terrence assaulted him while they were working together on Broadway’s Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  According to the lawsuit, Allen was punched repeatedly in the face by Howard and the incident ruined his ability to play piano.  I’m not saying it’s right to punch someone but five million dollars?

October 26, 2008 at 2:17 pm by Wendie
Filed Under: Terrence Howard