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20Steve Jobs Discusses Mystery Weight-Loss Illness

steve-jobs-weight-loss-hormone-imbalance

We don’t really pay much attention to the way Apple CEO Steve Jobs looks here on this blog. (“This particular black cotton turtleneck doesn’t really do much for the ill-fitted jeans, now does it? Fortunately for Mr. Jobs, he’s a super-genius who could buy the whole country, and he could wear a chicken suit doing it, and you couldn’t stop him. Know why? Because there are missiles inside the chicken suit and they are currently aimed at every Fred Segal in the continental United States (with just one left over for Katey Segal — long story there) and he’s retrofitted a first-generation iPod to control the missiles. They’re gonna start running ads for it on TV soon. They’re already in talks with The Killers for the music.”)

What’s my point?

Oh, yeah, so people who care about the people in the world who are doing things that matter have noticed recently that Steve Jobs has lost a lot of weight, and he wasn’t a big guy to begin with, so this has been worrisome. Everyone thought he was totally ana. My 11-year-old cousin had a poster of him on her wall and she’d written “THINSPIRATION” across the top. I was all like “Where’s the Keira Knightley one you had last year?” and she was all like “She got fat.”

I know there’s a point in here somewhere. But I am having so much fun getting to it.

OK. So Jobs decided it was time to speak up before he ended up hospitalized for “exhaustion” and the shareholders shit themselves. He released a statement today explaining what’s going on:

As many of you know, I have been losing weight throughout 2008. The reason has been a mystery to me and my doctors. A few weeks ago, I decided that getting to the root cause of this and reversing it needed to become my #1 priority.

Fortunately, after further testing, my doctors think they have found the cause—a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy. Sophisticated blood tests have confirmed this diagnosis.

The remedy for this nutritional problem is relatively simple and straightforward, and I’ve already begun treatment. But, just like I didn’t lose this much weight and body mass in a week or a month, my doctors expect it will take me until late this Spring to regain it. I will continue as Apple’s CEO during my recovery.

Um, so not to seem insensitive and stuff, but what exactly is this disease called? You know, the “hormone imbalance” that helps you lose weight without even trying? And could I, say, inject it directly into myself? That is, of course, after patenting the fuck out it? Cough up the deets, Steve-O. You made your fortune. Now help a sister out.

January 5, 2009 at 9:01 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

19First Day of School!

Sasha and Malia Obama's First Day of School

Now this is smart Presidential parenting.

To calm the flurry of paparazzi looking to get a shot of the Obama girls’ first day of school, President-elect Obama actually took the damn photos himself — as the girls prepared to leave for school — and released them right away. On Flickr.

In fact, there’s an entire Flickr photostream called “Obama-Biden Transition Project” where you can check out snapshots of damn near every step the President-elect takes as he prepares to govern this nation.

A Flickr photo stream.

Things are most certainly changing, you guys.

January 5, 2009 at 7:36 pm by Evil Beet

17Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall End Engagement!

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall Pictures Photos

Woah!

I totally didn’t see this one coming.

I mean, this dude stuck with JLove through Fatgate and everything, and now that she’s all skinny again they’re over? It looks like they broke up and called off their engagement over the holidays, after being engaged for just over a year and dating for two previous years.

I wonder who called it off? And why??? A source says that “Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy.”

Was she like, “Dude, I’m way hot again. I’m gonna see if I can still nab me some Carson Daly. I mean, Tara Reid’s locked up in Malibu … now’s my shot!!!”?

Or was he all like “I liked you better when both our careers were heading nowhere. I don’t think I can handle you being a star again”?

Eh, probably he cheated on her and got herpes. That’s always how these things end.

Anyway, it’s always nice when someone has a shitty, sudden, heart-wrenching breakup and that person is not me. See, the joy of eternal singledom is that this shit never happens to me.

January 5, 2009 at 7:22 pm by Evil Beet

20Lindsay Lohan DENIES Break-Up Rumors

Puss ‘N Boots — the new Lohan nickname, as suggested by you guys — took to her MySpace to assure that world that she was still very much all about puss:

RUMORS
Monday, January 05, 2008

little piece of TRUE information:

we did NOT break up!

access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six… AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It’s really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc… NOT TRUE

:) xoxox Lindsay

Currently listening :
Rumors
By Lindsay Lohan
Release date: By 2005-01-11

In honor of Puss’s “Currently listening” track, above you’ll find her music video for “Rumors.”

January 5, 2009 at 7:11 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

20Hi I’m Back and I Brought You the Sharon Osbourne Fight Scene

Hi guys.

Funny thing.

I was flying home today and I had the silly notion that I’d be able to work in Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix while waiting for my flight, because they have a free wireless connection there.

Unfortunately, their free wireless connection blocks Evil Beet. Heh. So I’m sorry that not much went up this afternoon.

But I am now safely back in Seattle, and so very delighted to have my whiny, whiny cats back in my face at all times, and before I take a bath and try to get my life refocused, I thought I’d bring you guys this lovely gem from Sharon Osbourne’s Charm School. This is the fight that eventually lead to that blonde chick pressing assault charges on Sharon. I wish we had more footage from inside the actual hair-pulling fight.

Still: Pretty awesome.

January 5, 2009 at 6:25 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Sharon Osbourne

22AnnaLynne McCord Is in a Bikini

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My first reaction to these pictures was that the 90210 starlet had alerted the paparazzi to the fact that she’d be frolicking around Miami Beach this weekend … but, when people do that, don’t they then wear makeup?

AnnaLynne McCord looked just like any other skinny Miami Beach chick when the photogs snapped her this weekend. If this were Heidi Montag, there would be there THREE SOLID INCHES of makeup on her face, which NEVER would have touched the (gasp!) public saltwater. But AnnaLynne? Just looks like I do after jumping in the ocean … well, okay, her body is WAY better than mine, but her face? Not so much. It looks like she actually went swimming.

How bourgeois.

January 5, 2009 at 11:58 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: AnnaLynne McCord