Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Anne Hathaway’s Ex-Boyfriend Finally Reached His Ass-Raping Breaking Point

There’s this wonderful thing about spoiled rich-boy criminals: every now and then, it’s pointed out to them that sometimes the consequences of their actions suck. Or, ya know, penetrate.

Raffaello Follieri seems to have found out the — ahem — hard way that prison is no fun, as he pleaded guilty to fourteen counts of con-artistry in at Manhattan Federal court today.

He then begged the judge to transfer him out of his holding cell, citing “unspecified inmate issues.”

Meanwhile, W magazine seems to have scored the tear-jerker of an Aftermath Interview with Anne Hathaway.

“Right now I don’t have the wherewithal to be anything except professional,” she told the mag. “As soon as I found out about the arrest, I had to get on a plane to Mexico to do a press tour for Get Smart. And then I spent a week in shock at a friend’s house. And then I had to go back and do more press, and I haven’t stopped since … It’s a situation where the rug was pulled out from under me all of a sudden. But just as suddenly, my friends threw another rug back under me. One said, ‘Go stay at my house.’ And Steve Carell stepped up for me during an interview when someone asked a question [about the criminal investigation]. He said, ‘At some point you’re going to have to talk about this time in your life. You don’t have to do it this week. I’ll take care of anything that comes your way.’”

Awww … this just makes me love Steve Carrell even more!!!

Feel better, Anne! You dodged a bullet, sweetheart.

Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan to Wed?

Posting has been slow this morning because I have been doing the following things:

1) Cleaning my apartment
2) Working out at the gym
3) Reading through emails from you guys linking me to this story.

Mostly #3.

I love that you guys are as passionate about this relationship as I am.

The UK’s Daily Sun is reporting that Samantha Ronson, at a DJ gig last night at the Chateau Marmont, told partiers that she plans to marry Lindsay Lohan soon.

“By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson,” Samantha allegedly said. “Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.”

Now, let’s be honest, the Daily Sun isn’t exactly the AP, and I don’t know if I really buy this (anyone have the video? Now that would be awesome) but nothing in the world would make me happier than a Lohan/Ronson nuptial.

Lucky Dog!

Mark Ronson’s girlfriend, model Daisy Lowe, brought a dog to sit front row with her at the Matthew Williamson show at New York Fashion Week.

Oh, and she brought an adorable little Havanese puppy, too.

Ba-dum-bum-ching!

I had to, you guys. I had no choice in the matter. You don’t get set up like that every day, ya know. In fact, I can’t believe that Kelly Osbourne didn’t see it coming. If I were her, I would have been like, “Look, Daisy, you can bring that dog in here if you want, but I’m not being photographed anywhere near you. I’m not just going to hand those fuckers the punchlines.” Gotta think a step ahead of us, Kelly!

Seriously, though, this is totally something I’d do with Leo, and I loooooove Daisy for it.

I Think I Figured Out This Sarah Palin Thing

I’m in the gym tonight, jogging away on the treadmill (going on two months smoke-free, woot woot!!! I can JOG!!!) and I have my iPod on and I’m blasting my music, but the guy running next to me has the TV tuned to CNN. And I can’t hear anything they’re saying, but they’re obviously talking about Sarah Palin. And they’re just showing clip after clip after clip of her hitting the campaign trail with McCain. Smiling, waving, holding her baby, embracing her daughters, looking sisterly with Cindy McCain, and I’m trying to get to the bottom of something that is bothering me quite a bit right now: This woman stands opposed to everything I believe in, so why do I like her? Why am I not filled with rage and fear every time her bespectacled, grinning face shows up next to McCain’s? Why am I drawn to this woman who’s been thrust into the national spotlight after spending a lifetime fighting against the things I fight so ferociously for?

And then it hits me.

Barack Obama’s spent the past eighteen months offering this country change.

John McCain, now, is offering us a mother.

McCain is no political novice, and I figured he had a damn good reason for choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. In retrospect, I can’t believe it took me so long.

Barack Obama’s a brilliant orator, a charismatic leader, clearly an erudite man and a voice passionately preaching Something Better that we can rally behind in this time of Very Serious Issues. And John McCain simply cannot fight him on those points. He’s painfully outmatched.

But isn’t it always a time of Very Serious Issues? Haven’t we just endured eight draining, tragic, gut-wrenching, traumatic, blood-filled years of Very Serious Issues? It’s been horrific and it’s seemed endless. And maybe, now, before we get back to the Very Serious Issues, it would be nice to go home to our mothers and put on our PJs and slippers and have her make us a nice warm bowl of soup and we can all curl up on her couch that always smells vaguely of her perfume and wrap ourselves up in the blanket she knitted four Christmases ago and watch Brady Bunch reruns on Nick at Night while we munch on her oatmeal cookies. And then maybe after that we’ll get back to the Very Serious Issues, but not yet. Right now, regardless of what we may claim to value in a candidate or an administration, we’re all exhausted, and we just want to be taken care of, tucked in, kissed goodnight and told that everything will look better in the morning.

Sarah Palin is, at first glance, what Hillary Clinton could not work into her own image no matter how hard she tried: she is a nurturer. And, right now, this country needs a nurturer. We didn’t even realize it until it was offered to us. And it’s a political strategy that’s never been attempted at this level, and it’s the right time and the right place and the right candidate and it hit me, tonight, that this is absolutely fucking brilliant.

It’s why you’re seeing Independents flock to McCain right now, and it’s why, IMHO, he’s got a damn good chance of winning this election now. Because it doesn’t really matter what gets said at the debates or where anyone stands on the issues. I wish it did, guys, but it doesn’t, not really. We vote from our hearts, not from our heads — especially at a time like this. Americans may have thought they wanted some abstract notion of change, but that was before they realized they could have a mother instead. World issues are scary. Mothers are not.

I’m not saying it’s the right way to win an election — and I’m in no way endorsing the McCain/Palin ticket — but I’m gonna go ahead and bet it’ll prove effective.

Can You Beat This Game?

So the new promo for the Shia LaBeouf film Eagle Eye is a kickass virtual game that you can play at eagleeyefreefall.com.

Basically, you become a secret agent and the game actually calls your cell phone with instructions from your agency — and then you start making phone calls on their behalf. It’s very innovative and very cool, even if the technology doesn’t always quite understand what you’re trying to say.

Here’s my question: Is this thing beatable? No matter what I try, I fail in my mission.

So I’m sending in you guys. If anyone can win this game, I’m sure it’s one of you.

I wouldn’t advise playing this at the office — you have to do a lot of talking into your cell phone that probably won’t sound much like work.

Say It Ain’t So!

Spotted: Fashion icon Sarah Jessica Parker wearing those atrocious Katie Holmes-inspired man pants with the cuffs rolled.

Sigh.

It’s all over, kids.

These things are in.

Now excuse me while I go buy a pair of Spiderman boys’ underwear and use them as a headband, since that’s clearly the direction the fashion world is heading.