Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Paris Hilton’s Getting Musical Again

Sigh. I suppose it was just a matter of time.

Paris Hilton is teaming up with beau JoelBenji Madden to — ugh — record more music.

Paris tells E! News exclusively that the duo have been working in her new recording studio (conveniently located in her Beverly Hills mansion), writing songs—including a theme for her upcoming MTV show My New BFF.

“Benji and I have been working hard on it,” Paris said. “He’s helping me write the lyrics for the song and then I’ll sing it, too.”

When asks if she’s going to subject the world to another album, Paris says “Definitely. I’ll have another album come out, for sure. I just don’t know when yet. I only have the summer off, then I’ll be taping another season of BFF. But an album is something I’ll do.”

So they’ve already signed her to do another season of that stupid show? Before the first one has even aired? And doesn’t that, like, blatantly suggest that she’s not actually looking for a best friend forever? She’s actually looking for a BFUTNSA — Best Friend Until The Next Season Airs.

Lindsay’s Secret Bastard Sister!

Congratulations to Lindsay Lohan, who found out on the Internet today that she has a secret half-sister. Yes, it’s true, Michael Lohan had an affair with some other woman while he was still married to Dina, knocked her up, and had a baby. The girl’s 13 now, and Michael Lohan has decided to spill his guts to OK! magazine about it, before even telling the rest of his family, because he’s classy like that.

In a statement to OK!, Michael says, “Years later [the woman] contacted me, convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child.”

In fact, OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl’s mother where he says that his secret daughter “is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not.” He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed “Love Daddy.”

This man is the Devil. I mean, seriously, sit down and think of the level of craziness it takes to actually approach a celebrity mag and say “I’d like to tell you about my bastard child. Because what my daughter Lindsay — who finally seems to be pulling herself together — really needs is more public drama in her life.” It is an act of sheer, disgusting selfishness. Michael Lohan is a horrible, horrible human being, and if you see him on the street, I recommend you throw acid in his face.

Verne Troyer’s Sex Tape Partner Talks

Okay, sorry I’ve been gone all day. I slept through my alarm and then I had to run to my Russian lesson. I’m learning Russian so that I can speak it to the Russian baby I’m adopting next year. But I’m back now, and I’m glad I am, because someone sent me a link to this interview with Verne Troyer sex-tape partner Ranae Shrider.

She’s really a pretty boring interviewee, but the interview gets kind of interesting toward the end.

Uma’s Engaged!

Congrats to Uma Thurman, who got engaged to hottie “financier” boyfriend Arpad Busson.

Arpad gave Uma a ring so big “she can’t fit it through the sleeve of her coat,” a friend said.

In other engagement news, congrats to Beet reader and my friend Trish, who got engaged this weekend to her boyfriend Jesse! Congrats you crazy kids!!!

TMZ Has a Sense of Humor

From TMZ.com:

Verne Troyer has filed a $20 million lawsuit, claiming TMZ violated his rights by publishing and airing portions of his sex tape.

In the suit, filed today in U.S. District Court in downtown L.A., Troyer claims TMZ violated his privacy rights and infringed on his copyright and trademark by running portions of the tape on TMZ TV and TMZ.com. He also alleges TMZ violated his right of publicity and misappropriated his name and likeness.

Troyer says the tape was stolen and ended up in the hands of Kevin Blatt, the guy who distributed “One Night in Paris.” Blatt is also named as a defendant.

In addition to damages, Troyer wants an injunction prohibiting further dissemination of the video.

Calls to TMZ were not returned.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

TMZ has not pulled the clip.

It is still viewable in all its glory here.

Oh, how I hope this thing gets released in full. Please, God. In the past ten days, I have had three of those awful, hurty, way-beneath-the-skin pimples. I am owed this.