Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Tickets to Miley Cyrus’s 16th Birthday Will Probably Be Less In-Demand Than Tickets to Her 18th Birthday

Dude, when Miley Cyrus turns 18, I’m throwing a party. Food and liquor is on me. I will fund it with the money I will make from the naked pictures of her that are sure to be all over the Internet within a month of her 18th birthday.

But until that happy day, Miley is selling tickets to her 16th birthday party — at $250 a pop!

The bash will take place at Disneyland in late November, and tickets go on sale August 30.

Doesn’t a ticket to Disneyland cost $250 anyway these days?

Sanjaya Malakar is Selling Insurance

I mean, not door-to-door or anything, although nothing would make me happier.

Sanjaya’s going to appear in a commercial for Nationwide Insurance.

In the commercial, Sanjaya visits a wise man who tells him he needs a retirement plan — and a haircut. Ahhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha! THE WIT! Those wacky insurance ad guys! What will they dream up next? Oooh, I know! We could have Shaquille O’Neal in a commercial. And make some sort of joke about how he’s tall!

I have to hand it to Sanjaya, though — he’s managed to drag his fifteen minutes out about as long as anyone can while still clinging to a shred of dignity. I talked to a guy at the gym today who’s working on a show about Extreme Arm-Wresting. Apparently it’s like normal arm wrestling, but you can use your free hand to punch. Kicking is legal, too. When the sport initially began, they tethered the competitors’ arms together, but soon learned that resulted in too many injuries. Anyway, here the point. The star of the show? Danny Bonaduce.


It’s Baby Time!

Everybody’s having babies!

I really need to hurry up and have a baby. I’m worried that by the time I find a husband and settle down, having babies won’t be cool anymore.

Anyway, Gwen Stefani has finally decided to put an end to her pregnancy, which began, as I recall, during the previous Olympic Games, and is currently at Cedars-Sinai preparing to push out a human.


The Naked Cowboy Is Getting His Own TV Show

Hey, so you know that dude who’s been wandering around Times Square in his underwear, a cowboy hat and a guitar for the past bazillion years?

It finally paid off.

Robert Burck, aka The Naked Cowboy, has inked a reality TV deal.

Burck he will judge the talents of street performers such as himself in an American Idol-style competition.

“I want to see people like me, the real deal,” the Naked Cowboy said in an interview with the New York Post. “I’m looking for character more than anything. You could be the greatest musician in the world, but if you stand in jeans and a T-shirt next to me, no one will notice you.”

The show is set to air on Country Music Television.

You know what I want to see? I want a reality show about those mole people who live under the subways in NYC. I read a book about them when I first moved there, and then spent the rest of my time there staring out the windows of the subway cars hoping for a glimpse of the mole people. Are you listening, Hollywood? I WANT MOLE PEOPLE!

Investigating the Chinese Gymnasts — FINALLY!

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) confirmed today that it has asked the International Gymnastics Federation to investigate the Chinese gymnastics underage fiasco, following new evidence that at least two gymnasts competed under the legal age in the Olympics.

A hacker by the handle of “stryde.hax” (every time I read that I think to myself “Does he use Stridex?”) tracked down some evidence of the real birthdates of He Kexin and Yang Yilin that shows that they are actually 14 years old. Basically, the Chinese government had any traces of their actual birthdates deleted from everywhere — even Google’s cache — but this hacker tracked it down in the document translation cache of Chinese search giant Baidu. Which isn’t really hacking so much as it is, ya know, good old-fashioned American ingenuity. You can check out the documents here and here, but they’re in Chinese so good luck with that. You can also check out stryde.hax’s blog on the issue here. (Thanks Emily for those links!)

Emmanuelle Moreau, IOC’s Media Relations Manager in Beijing, said in an email that, “the IOC has therefore asked the International Gymnastics Federation to endeavour to find out more. We understand they are doing so immediately.”

I know a lot of you feel like I — and maybe Americans in general — have been making too much of a fuss about this, but I disagree. This isn’t about getting a gold medal for America, at least not in my mind. If the Olympics are going to be worth anything at all, people have to play by the rules. This includes China. Hopefully there will be repercussions here.