Today's Evil Beet Gossip

TRAGEDY STRIKES! MINI-ME SEX TAPE SHELVED!

SAD FACE!

You know, most of the time, it’s just all light-hearted fun and gossip around these parts. We don’t take ourselves or any one story too seriously, and one day blends into the next.

But every once in awhile there’s a story that grabs you in the pit of your stomach, pulls at your heartstrings, and makes you almost nauseous with the genuine tragedy of it all. These days stay with us.

Today is one of those days.

The Verne Troyer sex tape will not be released. The parties have reached a settlement in the lawsuit Verne brought against potential distributors.

Records show that Blatt and SugarDVD have signed agreements requiring that they get Troyer’s approval before selling or distributing the tape or any images from it.

Edwin McPherson, one of Troyer’s attorneys, said the actor has no intention of granting approval.

Dude, I know this is a Hail Mary, but we can we just all pray that Verne gets so low on cash he has to agree to let this thing be distributed? Please? Please???

(And, no, I will never get tired of running this photo. In fact, even when this story is good and dead and no one remembers Ranae Shrider’s name, I will still, on occasion, run this photograph, because it is just that awesome.)

The Bitch Is Back!

Oh. Hells. Yes.

Shannen Doherty and her off-center eyes (seriously has anyone else noticed that one is a half-inch higher on her face than the other?) will be returning as Brenda Walsh in 90210v2.0. The show’s executive producer confirmed the news on Saturday.

Brenda will be a visiting drama teacher who directs a musical at West Beverly High School.

I can’t wait to hear about all the off-camera drama between Shannen and Jennie Garth!!! Those two HATE each other!!!

Jennifer Garner UterusWatch

Here’s five-months-pregnant Jen Garner hanging out in LA, trying to hide her baby bump with a shopping bag, but forgetting that the photogs are wise to that old trick by now — they get the side shot.

Aw, Jennifer Garner’s so adorable!

I wonder what she’ll name this new kiddo. Fuschia?

[Image via Splash]

Ally McWTF?

Calista Flockhart showed up with Harrison Ford at a fundraiser in Laguna Beach looking like she just climbed out of her coffin.

She’s 43 years old now, but she looks more like 60!

Is she trying to make Harrison Ford feel better about his age?

Caption This

Ahhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

Long-lost Lohan child Michael Jr. finally steps out of hiding and into the public eye, and what happens?

He ends up photographed standing next to his mother with some manner of liquid spilled on his crotch.

I LIVE for this stuff.

Caption away, kiddos.