Today's Evil Beet Gossip

I Want to Learn to Speak Romulan!

Dude, I’m such a Star Trek nerd.

Clifton Collins Jr. and Eric Bana had to learn to speak Romulan for the upcoming JJ Abrams Star Trek film.

“They had a linguist come in and invent Romulan!” he says.

OMG. I am SO in the wrong line of work. What I truly want to be is the official language inventor for Star Trek movies. I want to invent alien languages! Seriously I used to think my true dream in life was to be the person who named the new streets in a city (how much fun would that be??? How do you get that job anyway????) but now I think I want to be Star Trek’s official language inventor.

You know, a lot of universities these days offer classes in Klingon, a language that was invented a long time ago for Star Trek. I always wanted to take it, but it wasn’t taught at Arizona State. Everyone was too busy taking History of the Beatles and Human Sexuality. Oh, and drinking. Drinking was big there, too.

Oprah Winfrey to Attend Democratic Convention

John McCain may accuse Barack Obama of being the “biggest celebrity in the world,” but perhaps that honor belongs more to Oprah Winfrey, who will be on-hand to support Obama at the Democratic National Convention in Denver later this month. But she’ll just be there as a fan.

“Oprah has not been asked to introduce him, is not expecting to be asked to introduce him and I would doubt that she would want to introduce him. She thinks this is his moment,” said Oprah’s BFF Gayle King.

Heh. Wherever Oprah goes, it’s Oprah’s moment.

I wonder if Heidi Montag will be at the Republicans’ convention.

One can only hope.

Quotables

“I like watching other people get gossiped about. It makes me feel better.”

Lauren Conrad, on her penchant for watching Gossip Girl. She also insists she’s still single.

“My love life is an absolute trainwreck,” she says. “And half of my friends are guys…It’s kind of embarrassing, because you’re out with a group of friends and the next day it says you’re dating one of them and lap dancing, too. You have to say, ‘You know, I’m sorry, but that kind of comes with the territory.’”

Death of Kanye West’s Mother Leads to New Plastic Surgery Legislation

After Donda West died during a cosmetic surgery procedure, the California State Senate on Wednesday approved a requirement that patients be given a physical exam before elective surgery.

Donda’s procedure was complicated by her coronary artery disease, which her family reportedly believes that a physical exam would have uncovered.

The vote in the Senate was 37 to 1.

Um, I guess I wasn’t aware that patients don’t have a physical exam before plastic surgery. That’s really kind of frightening to me. Doctors just do full-on surgery without first investigating if there are any pre-existing conditions that could complicate things? I mean, is this how most plastic surgeons operate, or just the shady ones?

Escaping the Paparazzi

You can’t escape all of them, Sarah.

Amidst rumors that her marriage is falling apart due to Matthew Broderick’s infidelities, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew took their son, James, to Ireland, where the family has a cottage and there are fewer creepy men with cameras.

This just makes me want to go to Ireland. It’s one of the top places on my list of places to visit in my life. China was on there, too, but it’s quickly falling. I’m very mad at China right now. So now I want to go to Ireland with Sarah Jessica and her adorable kiddo.

The Chinese Gymnasts Are 12 Years Old

DUH.

The AP has uncovered new evidence that some of the women on the Chinese gymnastics team are, in fact, under the required age of 16.

Duh, duh, duh.

Have you seen those girls? They made the girls from our team look old and fat. In fact, they made the teeth of the girls from our team look old and fat. Say what you want about body fat, genetics, etc, nobody is still sporting all their baby teeth at the age of 16.

China is, of course, not interested in admitting that the girls’ ages were faked, and the IOC doesn’t seem particularly interested in investigating further. This sucks. It’s the kind of bullshit you would have expected to see from the Soviet teams twenty years ago, but not today.

Meanwhile, the All-Arounds are tonight. Hopefully Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin can get out there and kick some ass!!!

Christian Bale’s Off the Hook

Batman will not face charges in relation to the “verbal abuse” incident that took place last month, say UK officials.

Britain’s Crown Prosecution Service said there was insufficient evidence to afford a “realistic prospect of conviction,” and ordered police not to take any further action.

If this were a physical abuse case, I’d be all like “WTF???” but I still can’t really figure out what “verbal abuse” is, at least in a criminal sense, because if my little sister went running to the cops every time I called her a shithead, they’d have no time to do important things like arrest celebrities for DUIs. So thank goodness the U.S. doesn’t operate that way.