Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Ramsay’s Former Mentor Gets Chopped

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In what may just be the best case of prophetic naming this TV season, NBC’s  reality cooking show Chopping Block has been, well, put on the chopping block. The show debuted March 12th and aired only 3 episodes before being cut from the lineup. NBC plans to run old episodes of Law & Order: Criminal Intent in its place.

Did anyone actually watch this show? I only knew it existed because Best Week Ever once lampooned how everyone on the show would incessantly make cheesey puns based on the show’s name– about people being “chopped.”

If I had known that it was hosted by Gordon Ramsay’s former mentor, Marco-Pierre White, I might have bothered to watch the first episode. Reportedly, White once made Ramsay cry when he was a cooking school student and the two have had a big falling out in recent years.

In response to the news, Chef Ramsay inexplicably changed his shirt a few times on camera, cursed alot, then whipped up a delicious roast with a hot side of schadenfreude.

Jolie and Nadya +14

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Star Magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie is contemplating giving a “sizeable donation” to octo-mom Nadya Suleman to help with childcare and medical costs:

Star has learned the actress is seriously considering donating thousands of dollars to the overwhelmed 33-year-old single mom, whose brood includes 2-month-old octuplets.

“Angelina is worried about the best interests of the kids,” explains a source. “As a mom of six, she knows how chaotic and costly raising a big family can be.”

But keep in mind that this is Star Magazine, and you’d be better off believing stories told by Courtney Love in an AA meeting. I find it highly doubtful that Jolie feels anything other than disturbed by this woman and her obsession with her. Doing anything to encourage that attachment would be an extremely stupid move. Say what you want about Jolie, she’s not that stupid.

Shawn Johnson Has ESP

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Of all the people you could pick to stalk, why Shawn Johnson? Not that the inner workings of a stalker’s mind are at all rational, but I’ve often wondered what it is that triggers these people to become fixated on random d-list celebrities.

Last week, Wendie posted about Robert O’Ryan being arrested while trying to sneak on to the set of Dancing with the stars in an attempt to meet up with 17-year-old wholesome as American flags wrapped in babies and baked in apple pie Shawn Johnson.
I remember hearing that guns and duct tape were found in his car, and that he was convinced that she wanted him to father her child. Ryan has since been charged with one felony count of stalking and two misdemeanor counts of carrying a loaded firearm in a vehicle.

But hold on to your bags and bags of anti-psychotic drugs, it gets even weirder:

“The LAPD located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, and a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim.”
“He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with [Shawn Johnson], he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what.”

I’m going to ignore the humorous use of “classically” to describe kidnapping tools, and instead focus on the fact that Shawn Johnson has horrible super powers that threaten to invade our minds at any moment. Whatever you do, do NOT watch Dancing With the Stars, unless you also want to be driven insane and impregnated by her mutant seed. This threat must be controled people! Seriously scary.

In other stalker news, an Austrian fugitive was arrested in Mexico and deported back to her home country on Thursday so she can stand trial for stalking David Caruso.
WTF? David fucking Caruso?? Are you serious? According to the Associated Press, the woman wrote 100′s of fan letters to Caruso, asked him for an autograph, and then began writing letters threatening to kill him when he refused to give her one.
There is a CSI joke in here somewhere, but it’s eluding me. Someone break out the hammy acting and the blacklights so I can find it.

Jimmy Fallon Can Even Un-Funny The Onion

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In the opening monologue of Tuesday night’s Late Night with Douchebag Who Will Never Be As Awesome as Conan O’Brien,”Jimmy Fallon told a joke about an airport in Prague called the “Franz Kafka International Airport”:

“A new study has ranked the Franz Kafka International Airport in Prague as the world’s worst, due to long lines and lost luggage. It must be bad, because the second worst airport in the world? The Hudson River!”

The only funny thing about this “joke”– aside from the irony that it crashed harder than US Air Flight 1549 itself when it hit the Hudson– is the fact that the “Franz Kafka International Airport” in Prague exists only in a story on The Onion’s website (and perhaps inside the existential dillemas in your mind).

It was part of a satirical news video which reported that the airport tormented its visitors with, amongst other things, dead-end terminals and a shuttle service that loops around the airport and then deposits passengers back at their original starting points.

To be fair, this gaff is most likely the fault of someone on the writing staff at Late Night. I’m sure Fallon is too busy murdering humor to actually write his own bad jokes.

The New York Post Wishes Little Girls in Ohio Were Dead

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A couple of Natasha Richardson stories for you to get the weekend started off right. And because, unlike the undertaker, the media hasn’t yet managed to suck every little bit of life’s blood from her cold, dead body.
I give it about another two weeks before she stops popping up on Morning Express with Robin Meade.

First, an Ohio couple is crediting Richardson with saving their daughter’s life. After the dad of the year whacked his daughter, Morgan, in the head with a baseball while playing in the yard, the 7-year-old got a goose egg on her temple. Her parents iced it down and the swelling went away. Their daughter seemed fine, so they didn’t think anything of it.

Three days later, they saw a story about Richardson on CNN, and noting how Natasha had seemed just fine after falling and hitting her head, the couple decided to take their daughter to the emergency room.
Turns out, the kid had the same injury as Richardson: an epidural hematoma.

Unlike Richardson’s, Morgan’s story has a happy ending. After surgery and five days in the hospital, she’s at home and doing fine. “Dr. Cohen told us that if we hadn’t brought her in Thursday night, she never would have woken up,” McCracken says.

Now the McCrackens sometimes wonder if they waited too long to get Morgan to a doctor. After hearing about Richardson’s death, many people are asking themselves the same question: Do all head injuries need attention, even ones that seem minor?

I once got elbowed in the forehead by a Thai guy named Tata while playing basketball in Japan. I’ll give you a tiny moment to process that before I move on.
A big ole tootsiepop-sized lump quickly erupted on my forehead. The swelling went down after a few hours, and after having to deal with the ignominy of a blackish/greenish eye for a few weeks, I was fine… OR WAS I??
Next time I say something reeeeeally offensive, you can blame it on the epidural hematoma talking. Unless it’s funny. In that case, I said it.

Secondly, some whackball kookjobs (and by whackball kookjobs, of course I mean The New York Post) are attempting to blame Richardson’s death on everyone’s favorite lovably laid back, backwards neighbor to the north: Canada. Specifically, they’re blaming it on the healthcare that is available in smaller Canadian towns like the one where Natasha went skiing.

Richardson died of an epidural hematoma — a bleeding artery between the skull and brain that compresses and ultimately causes fatal brain damage via pressure buildup. With prompt diagnosis by CT scan, and surgery to drain the blood, most patients survive.

Could Richardson have received this care? Where it happened in Canada, no. In many US resorts, yes.

The article goes on to say that the lack of “technology like CT scanners and quick access to specialists like neurosurgeons” may have caused what would have been a treatable condition in even the smallest of U.S. towns to become fatal.

But if Canadacare hadn’t killed Natasha, that little girl in Ohio would be dead by now!

Go throw your rock in a pond and think about that one for a while!

Mini Me Sex-Tape Partner Getting Her Own Show???

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My beautiful and talented friend, Ranae Shrider (aka the girl from the Mini-Me sex tape) (aka the girl who sent me my favorite picture in the whole world), is rumored to be getting her own reality TV show.

I don’t know what the hell it could possibly be about, but I looooove this.

Seriously, people, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned by a midget. You can quote me on that. Look, you spend a year fucking a midget and he still won’t take you to his damn film premieres? Don’t get mad: Leak a sex tape, get a bunch of great plastic surgery, and get your own TV show. That’s my kind of girl! Ranae says on her Twitter that she “is going to be super famous and the thought of that makes some people sick, oh well, get over it. off to film my show :) be safe loves! xoxo”.

I also think this is an appropriate time to share with you some excerpts from the email I got from Verne Troyer last week:

I think It’s F#$*ing hilarious what she is willing and trying to do. She is doing anything possible to get anyone’s attention. Which is kinda sad. Just think if that never happened what would she be doing? Her claim to fame is supposedly doing a sex tape with someone famous.

She always said she wants to be an actress for the art of it. Look at her. She is doing anything to get attention. Begging anyone who will listen to her to show her nude photo’s.

She will always be know for the chic who did a sex tape with mini me.

I’m sure her mother is so PROUD

I just LOVE that there is still so much drama between them. Neither of them is even close to being over this shit. It’s just too funny. It makes me feel a lot better about any lingering relationship drama in my life.

Apparently Verne has been emailing her mother and her manager and everyone else he can get in contact with to talk shit about her. Ranae says she “is shameless & amused that im STILL the topic of conversation 4 a little man who is supposidly [sic] “totally over me” right little dude, right ;)”

Ohhh geez. Ranae, give us deets about your new show!!! And I WANNA BE ON IT!!! We have so much fun talking shit over the Internet, let’s do it for the cameras!!!

If You Can Believe It, Michael Sarver’s Not Going Back to the Oil Rig

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I have to admit I was a little shocked that Michael Sarver went home on Idol last night. I was never a gigantic fan of his, but I guess I assumed he’d get enough of the “hot guy” vote to get him into the top 6 or 7. I think probably he wasn’t non-threatening enough. That award goes to Kris Boring. (No seriously I don’t even know his last name, that’s how boring I find him.) But whatever, Mikey’s going home, and you better believe he’s gonna be laying some pipe, just not on his oil rig.

“I don’t think it would be a great idea to get out there and take a chance on hurting myself and not being available for the tour,” he told a teleconference Friday. “I’m going home, and I’m going to take some time off to spend with my family. I believe they deserve my undivided attention for a little while and that’s exactly what they’re going to get.”

The media also asked him about his smile as he was eliminated. He said:

There was a smile because of the idea that, “I’m going home.” I’m not relieved, because there’s nothing to relieve me from. I was there on my own accord, and I enjoyed the heck out of it. But once I found out I was going home, the best part of it is that I have an incredible family to go home to. I couldn’t be more excited to find myself on that plane heading that direction.

Awww, I like Michael Sarver. Not enough to buy his album or anything, but I think he’s a good, solid man, and I wish him and his family all the best.