Michael Jackson’s memorial service is next Tuesday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.  Like all Michael’s previous performances, ticket agencies will be involved.  I think this is very sad.

Michael’s whole life seems to have been centered around making money.  As a child, his focus was making money with Jackson 5 to help support his family.  As an adult, he achieved huge heights of fame, yet seemed constantly plagued by the problems his fortune garnered him.  Now, even the mourning of his death will be an assigned seating, ticket-stub event.

Mischa’s looking so good these days as she trolls around London!

Last night Cankles got kicked out of a toilet stall at Whiskey Mist nightclub.  I think that should be engraved on her headstone:  Mischa Barton~Kicked out of a toilet stall …

Now that Mischa’s kinda, sorta working again, she’s been seen stumbling all over the place, which is an activity I certainly enjoy observing and one that I’ve missed.  Last night she tried to go into a single stall with one of her girlfriends.  The washroom attendant — and I’m sorry, but washroom attendants are creepy.  I haven’t needed help pissing since I was, like, two — pulled Canks out and informed her that she needed to use her own stall.  I can’t believe any club would have a “One Person Per Stall” rule.  How are people supposed to have their illicit toilet sex?  After an extended period of time in which the attendant twice knocked on the door to check on Barton, she finally emerged.  

I’ve pondered extensively about what activity could have taken Mischa so long in the stall, but I think the pictures answer that question.  Eye liner application, clearly.

While Farrah’s son, Redmond O’Neal, was allowed out of jail to attend his mother’s funeral, Ryan O’Neal’s other son Griffin (who is not Farrah’s child) was denied entry per Ryan’s request. If you remember, back in February ‘07, Ryan was arrested for allegedly assaulting Griffin.

Griffin reportedly drove 300 miles to attend the funeral and pay his last respects to Farrah. “She’s mad right now that I’m not in there,” he said. “I just wanted to say goodbye to someone I knew and loved for 33 years.”

I know Ryan’s in a lot of pain right now, and I assume Griffin is probably a gigantic asshole, but is it right to deny someone access to a funeral like this?

Griffin stood outside the funeral (pictured above) with his wife Rima and daughter Dillan.

Lindsay “engaged” in some shopping in LA today — while sporting a ring on her left hand. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! I BET LINDSAY LOHAN IS ENGAGED!

Of course not. She’s looking for a way to tiptoe back into the spotlight after all the Michael Jackson hoopla. Mission accomplished.

Gotta admit, though, I love her outfit. I always do.

You know, we hear surprisingly little about Kate Moss these days. She seems to be keeping her nose clean, if ya catch my drift. I wonder if her (sorta) new boyfriend, Jamie Hince, has anything to do with it. Kate was looking happy (and sober!) on a date with him in London Wednesday night.

Would it be a proper Wilkinson nuptial if Kendra didn’t flub her vows? No, of course not. I’m just a little disappointed she didn’t write her own. That would have been comedy gold: “Hank, baby, you had me at the grill.”

That said, this is a gorgeous wedding, and Kendra looks very happy. I just know this is going to be a beautiful marriage for her for the next year or two.

Don’t worry, guys. Nick hasn’t proposed to Miley. Joe “Type 1″ Jonas hasn’t gone running back to Taylor Swift begging for forgiveness (as he ought to). No, it’s the other Jonas, the one who’s always half-hidden in photo shoots and videos, like a boy-band Carnie Wilson. I believe his name is Kevin, although it may be Mike. Or Steve. Or Dale. Not sure.

Anyway, The Other Jonas proposed to his girlfriend of two years this morning at her New Jersey home with a ring he’d “codesigned” with Jacob & Co. How does one “codesign” a ring? Like, “Yes. It should have a diamond. You can quote me on that.”

He took a red-eye to Jersey after his show in Vancouver last night. “It was tough performing last night,” he said, “knowing that I was going to ask the biggest question in my life to the most amazing girl in the world.”

The couple met in May 2007 while their families were vacationing in the Bahamas. The bride-to-be, Danielle Deleasa, claims she had no idea who Kevin was when she met him. OK then. That’s my plan. When I “run into” Adrian Grenier while “on vacation” with my “family,” I’m going to be all like, “Oh hi there. Who are you? I’ve never seen anyone who looks remotely like you ever in my life, and certainly not on TV. Wanna buy me a drink?”