Well, don’t let that thumbs-up fool you, because no, Jack Nicholson isn’t excited about the Super Bowl, which, in case you live under a rock or don’t peruse Facebook for hours a day, is tomorrow. In fact, he’s really not looking forward to it all.

Specifically, Jack said he would rather drink bleach than go to the Super Bowl.

I can definitely see where Jack is coming from on this one. I would hate to go to the Super Bowl as well – there’s too many people, and I’m not into football at all. Also, Madonna is doing the halftime show, and … it’s Madonna. I don’t want to support that.

Taking Jack’s comment a little further though, I decided to come up with a list of things I would rather do than even watch the Super Bowl. I hope those of you who are in the same boat as me can get some ideas of your own about what you can do tomorrow, and I hope those of you who are excited about it can still respect me afterwards.

Instead of watching the Super Bowl, I would rather:

- bake cookies for everyone who lives in my apartment building, even the girl who lives above me who thought it was ok to throw a used tampon applicator in front of my window

- revamp and update my Myspace account

- revamp and update my Xanga account

- write an elaborate Harry Potter fan fiction in which an original character named Emily discovers at the age of 23 that she has magical powers and goes to develop her (exceptionally strong) skills at Hogwarts, where she rides a unicorn

- mop the floors

- take a series of pictures of my guinea pigs with the shitty camera on my phone (I went ahead and started this one, check out the gallery! The black one is Henry, the one with the wacky hair is Aladdin!)

- anything at all, dear God, please don’t make me watch it

What about you guys? You can go ahead and use this post to express your feelings about the upcoming game, your bets, your annoyances, whatever. Have a magical night, and I’ll see you in the morning!

Just to clarify, I’m not saying that Ke$ha is preoccupied with soccer balls or basketballs or footballs, or even ping pong balls, though I’m sure that one’s closer than those other ones (get it? Because I think Ke$ha’s the kind of girl who would want to learn how to shoot ping pong balls out of her vagina). No, I’m saying that Ke$ha is preoccupied with balls, as in testicles, because man, she sure goes on and on about them.

From Glamour:

On having balls: I know that I have balls. I have bigger balls than a lot of the men that I meet. I’m just a ballsy motherf–ker. I’m not afraid of pushing boundaries. That’s what you have to do to become an icon.

On rock music: People say that rock ‘n’ roll is dead, and I am making it my mission to resurrect it. I have rock ‘n’ roll pumping through my veins.

On penises: I’m just very amused by five-year-old humor. Don’t get me wrong: I do destroy men on a weekly basis. It’s like a hobby. I’m like a praying mantis. They f–k me, and then I eat them. But who isn’t amused by a giant, dancing penis? Sometimes when I’m sad, I make my assistant put on the penis outfit and bounce around my house.

On dating: I’m in the middle of writing a new record. I’m taking so many different instrument lessons. I’m also designing animal-friendly jewelry and a fake-fur line. So if a man is not, like, the second coming, then what’s the point? I have other s–t to do.

On body paint: It’s my favorite thing to do. Sometimes I have parties at my house in Nashville and it’s clothing-optional, and we just body-paint each other and run around, and I have a giant bed. I’m very much in touch with that side of myself.

On kids listening to her music: Parents should not let them listen to my music if it’s offensive. I wrote these songs for me.

On makeup and haters: My makeup is usually left over from the night before. I’m not really worried about the photographs because if I tell my fans not to give a f–k about the haters, then I have to practice what I preach. I embrace the imperfections and celebrate them.

On beauty products: I’m coming out with my own line. And I found Bumble and Bumble dry shampoo that is like God’s gift. You don’t have to shower. You just put it in and instantly look like the eighties.

On her style icons: I would love to embody the attitude of Iggy Pop or Keith Richards: a ballsy mentality. Stylistically, I love Vivienne Westwood—those capes! I’m obsessed.

On being an icon: Eventually, I would love to be on my deathbed and looked at as an icon. Right now I’m still at the baby stages of my career. But that is the goal.

I think Ke$ha’s currently in one of those phases where I think she’s kind of ok. I mean, I think the body paint affairs sound like a nightmare, and it concerns me that she would make an employee wear a penis costume for her own amusement, but besides that … well, besides that, she just goes on about being awesome and balls. So maybe I’m not that into her right now after all!

How are you guys feeling? Are you looking forward to her new album at all?

Come on, of course you remember Jamie Lynn Spears! She was on Nickelodeon’s shitty revamp of All That, and she also starred in Nickelodeon’s Zoey 101. Another claim to fame is her taxing role as Britney Spears‘ sister. Sadly, her extensive Teen Nick appearances and paparazzi fights ended when she got knocked up at 16, and we haven’t really heard all that much from her since.

UNTIL NOW! Jamie Lynn Spears just did an interview with Glamour, and I can’t help but love every single second of it. Please read through this, and don’t forget to enjoy yourself!

On getting pregnant: It was 2007. I had been on a Nickelodeon show, Zoey 101, and after we wrapped shooting, I just wanted to go home to Louisiana and finish high school, be a cheerleader, all that. Then I found out I was pregnant [by then- boyfriend Casey Aldridge]. I was 16. I’d had one boyfriend. It doesn’t make it perfect or all right. But I was judged for something that probably most everyone does. I was young. I was in love. I was like every other teenager, except I had this last name. And I made a decision that is forever my decision.

Why she didn’t use birth control: I believe in safety and birth control as prevention. But like many young girls…I was really scared to go to the doctor. And I was on a Nickelodeon show, and it [felt] especially embarrassing to ask someone to put me on birth control. I didn’t want to ask my doctor, because she had a little girl.

On the reaction from her fans: I did feel responsible for the young girls and the mothers who I probably confused and let down. I apologize for that. But I wasn’t trying to glamorize teen pregnancy. I hated when [the tabloids] said that. Everybody is dealt a hand of cards. It was my choice to play them the way I played them. But the hateful comments hurt.

On Teen Mom: When I saw MTV’s Teen Mom was coming out, I remember thinking, Oh my God, I cannot wait to see this show because there’s someone else out there. I mean, I feel for those girls. I’ve been that girl. It does show that motherhood is hard. There were so many times—especially when Maddie would get sick—when I would cry to myself and think, I really don’t know what to do. It takes bravery to be a young mom, and it does take bravery to let the world watch.

On Britney: She’s in such a good place right now. She’s in love. She has her kids. So I’m happy for her. Of course, [our bond as mothers], it’s such a big thing, you know? Especially ’cause there’s an age gap there—she’s 10 years older. I think if I were just a normal 20-year-old, I wouldn’t be able to relate as much to her.

On her music: I was a kid who did a kid show. Then I went away and raised my child, and the world has never met me as an adult. This is the first time anybody is really meeting me as a grown woman and grown mother making a decision about what to do with my life. Do people have an idea of who they think I am? Yes, and that’s fine with me. My music will speak for itself.

On this year: I’ll admit, I’m kind of scared; it’s a vulnerable place for me. But I think 21 will be the year for me. I hope it will be. Maybe even a boy—I don’t know. Six feet tall, blond, brown, tan…I don’t care. I’m excited for 21. Twenty-one is just going to be fearless.

There aren’t enough “ugh”s in the world to cover this.  ”I was like every other teenager,” no, Jamie, you weren’t.  I know this for I was also a teenager, and I managed to escape those hellish years without getting pregnant.  Shockingly enough, I also know several other ladies who did that exact same thing.  It’s really not that hard, you just have to be careful, and if you choose to have sex, you should take precautions.  I think if you’re mature enough to have the sex, you should be mature enough to ask your doctor for birth control, even if your doctor has a child herself*.

All that being said, are you excited at the prospect of this year being the year of Jamie Lynn Spears?

*Is this real logic?

Knowing you guys, as well as knowing everyone else who ever comments on the internet ever (I know a lot of people, obviously), you either hate this with everything in you or you’re continuing to root this girl on. There’s really no middle ground when it comes to Lana Del Rey, which is part of why I find her so interesting. If I say anything about her, half of you will comment on how terrible she is and the other half will swoop in to defend her. It’s neat, is what I’m saying.

That’s why I’m eager to hear what you have to say about the fact that Lana went and landed herself on the cover of this here Vogue. It’s a pretty big deal: does she deserve it? Do you still hate her lips? Are you way over her at this point?

While you mull all of this over, I’ll go ahead and give you a few quotes from her interview:

On the meaning behind her album and also being sober: “The album is a tribute to living life on the wild side. I’m sort of kidding because I’m not that wild any more… I used to drink a lot. Too much. I haven’t had a drink for seven years now.”

On her other work: “Homeless outreach, drug and alcohol rehabilitation – that’s been my life for the past five years.  My friends are a core group I met through work, and they never really knew I was a singer, because nothing was ever happening. I consider myself coming out of retirement as a singer at this point.”

On the next step: “I don’t think I’ll write another record. What would I say? I feel like everything I wanted to say, I’ve said already.”

Whoa, she’s not planning on writing another record?  Then … uh … where do we go from here, Lana?  You know I love you, so don’t take this the wrong way, but you can’t really rely on performing from here on out, you know that, right?

Man, I wish I had a baby. That child would have the best accessories. I’d spring for that BeDazzler down at the Salvation Army that I’ve had my eye on and I’d finally go pick up my sewing machine and my hot glue gun from my dad’s. I’d get the biggest tube of Tacky Glue the Walmart has in stock, and I’d be sure to get every color of puffy paint I could find. I would go wild. My baby would have tie dyed cloth diapers and rhinestone covered onesies. There’s even a solid chance that I would put those spinning rims on the stroller.

But see, I don’t have a baby, so I can’t do any of these things. And while that breaks my heart, I have to look on the positive side. And that positive side is that Beyonce does have a baby, and she is doing these things, only on a much grander, more Beyonce-like scale.

From In Touch via Celebitchy:

Beyonce isn’t leaving anything to chance when it comes to the welfare of her firthborn child. According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter.

“Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.”

And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling.

“Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.”

A little over the top perhaps, but what can you expect from the couple who reportedly spent $1.3 million to bullet-proof the delivery room!

There are so many things to talk about, so let’s just break it down, section by section, ok?

- Why would you even need six nannies?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Even if you could afford it, why would you need two other people there at all times to take care of your baby?  Parents, if you could afford it, would you even want this amount of help?

- How do you guys feel about babies with pierced ears? I don’t really care for it, because, come on, it’s a baby, and there are probably other things on a baby’s mind besides jewelry. Also, they cry and it makes me sad.

- A platinum baby bracelet? For real? They might as well just call it a platinum chew toy, because a baby isn’t going to appreciate anything about that bracelet besides sticking it right inside her mouth.

- Their baby bottles have pink sapphires on them. Could you even imagine? What are they going to do with the bottles after the baby doesn’t need them anymore? How many needlessly extravagant things can one baby have?

- Why do I keep discussing Beyonce and Jay-Z like they’re normal people with reasonable ideas about money?

What do you guys think? Do these guys sound like good parents so far? Would you want to be little Blue Ivy? Don’t you think that alternating rows of pink sapphire, aquamarine, and pearl would be so much cuter?

Right? Right? Miley posted this photo to her Twitter account earlier today with the caption “Awkward family photos. @billyraycyrus always giving face!” and yeah, I know that’s true, but Tish Cyrus, yes? Total hooch, isn’t she? I realize the big, Aqua-Net hair and brown lipstick was A Thing back in 1990 or whatever, but come on. This is supposed to be a loving, heartfelt family photo, not a glamour shot for a hair salon magazine. What’s she wearing underneath that black wool and fake-sherpa coat? Nothing? Yeah, probably. In fact, the photo would be so much better if Tish wasn’t even in it – and it’s an easy photo to pretend that about, too. All you have to do is close your right eye, turn your head, and squint a little bit and she’s almost not even there.

Then again, that trick’s definitely old news. I hear Billy Ray‘s been doing that for two over two decades now and he’s got it on lockdown.

Either way, nice photo, Miley. It sure beats awkward photos of you eating a big, fat penis cake with Demi Moore! I mean, Demi was, what, thirty when this picture was taken? It really kind of puts things in perspective, now, doesn’t it.

Moral of the story? Watch who you eat penis cake with. Or something.