Vanilla Ice‘s birthday is today. Happy birthday, Mr. Ice! He turns 46.
Mr. Ice recently gave career advice to Justin Bieber, but I think he’s in need of a little career SOS himself. So I ask you: if you could cast Vanilla Ice in any TV show, which would you choose? Am I absolutely f-cking crazy for thinking he would kill it on the campy delightful TV show Revenge?
How would YOU revive Vanilla Ice’s career? Because dude needs help.
Vanilla Ice‘s ears perk up whenever his name is mentioned, like a well-meaning but clueless doggie. Miley Cyrus compared Bieber to Vanilla Ice, as an insult, saying, “I just don’t want to see him f-ck that up, to where people think he’s Vanilla Ice.” But all Mr. Ice needed to hear was “Vanilla Ice” and so he jumped on the train…against not only Justin Bieber, but Vanilla Ice. He talked about it with TMZ:
Rob was honored Miley name-dropped him as the bad example — and paid respect with his own Miley-esque foot pic — telling us he knows exactly where Biebs is coming from … but only Justin has the power to make a change.
“It’s like living an artificial life” Van Winkle says, adding, “when the dust settles, no one can figure it out or help you but yourself.”
And then I guess he wrote “MILEY CYRU$” on the bottom of his feet because, why not?
I want to feel sorry for him, but I think he’s taking it all in stride and having fun, so I won’t.
Ok, I know that the ice rink ice doesn’t technically qualify as nature, but I think it’s close enough. I’d be way surprised if Vanilla Ice doesn’t also get regularly pummeled by hail or if he doesn’t always mysteriously find that one patch of ice when it snows just a little, and that’s because, just like me, nature won’t ever forgive him for what he’s done.
This little clip is from Vanilla’s latest job as a competitor in England’s Dancing on Ice. And for that hiring decision, England, you get a warning. Don’t let it happen again.
It’s Vanilla Ice, with his brand new invention of being a douchebag!
Ok, just kidding, that was his old brand new invention, but it’s still pretty relevant. Vanilla Ice was filmed driving a car through flames and confetti, then into a pond. It’s going to be on his new television program, The Vanilla Ice Project, which is probably meant to promote his new album, WTF, both of which are going to grace the world in September.
When is he going to stop? If you haven’t had a hit song since 1990, and even that song you ripped off of people who are actually talented, maybe it’s time to throw in the towel. Maybe it’s time to do something other than drive a car into a pond for TV. Just maybe.
Now see? This is what I like to see. Rob Van Winkle, or Vanilla Ice, apologizing for the fuckery he spewed all over the pop culture of 1990. I graduated high school the same year, let me do the math for you-I’m 37 this year, and this horrible Queen/David Bowie rip-off will forever be intrinsically tied to my every memory of acid wash and prom. Sadly, he did not apologize for having striped eyebrows or for beating the shit out of his wife. Oh well. Baby steps; I’m working on forgiveness.
Other celebrity apologies I feel we are owed-and feel free to add your own:
1) Lil’ Kim for her face.
2) The entire cast of Ocean’s Twelve for Ocean’s Twelve.
3) The Olsen twins for charging $1700 for a pair of pants from their collection, The Row.
Okay. I’m all settled in Seattle now. I slept for like 12 hours last night, which is something I think I really needed to do, and now I’m all set up in my new furnished apartment in Queen Anne. It was the best deal I could get on such short notice, but it’s pretty spacious and all the decorations are red and purple. I’m calling it Chez Eggplant. My lease specifically says no smoking and no pets. I plan to both smoke and, eventually, get a pet. I scoff at authority. I’m so badass.
You know who else is badass?
Vanilla Ice, who was arrested last night on charges of domestic battery. I guess he and his wife were arguing about something, and he pushed her. Ice spent the night in jail, and this morning was ordered to stay away from his wife, although he’s allowed to call her on the phone.
God, does anyone else remember that one thing — I think it was on MTV — where they had, like, Jon Stewart, Janeane Garofalo and Vanilla Ice talking about something, and suddenly Vanilla Ice just lost his shit and started destroying the studio while Jon and Janeane looked on awkwardly? Am I making this up or does someone else remember it?
Anyway, I know there’s no excuse for domestic violence, but seriously how stupid do you have to be to marry this creep?