This is a photo of Tyra Banks. Do you see those people behind her? That’s the public. She wore some damn fishnet over her head in public – to the 90th anniversary party for French Vogue, no less. I bet she was super smug with herself while she was getting ready for this event, like she just grabbed up some of those super cheap stockings in those quarter machine capsules and when she got home she had a stroke of “genius” and made a mask, just like some small children playing Cops and Robbers with only their mother’s fetish wear to use for accessories. But wait! It wouldn’t be fair for me to bet on that, because I already know that’s what happened:
Banks didn’t get the look through an avant-garde designer. “It’s homemade,” she Tweeted.
After fans incorrectly guessed that the mask was underwear, a hair net, curtains and a “wig cap,” Banks explained, “mask is [some] cheap FISHNET stockings I got n crazy store n Paris! I cut em up n made it y’all.”
Banks added: “[I] did my own hair n makeup.”
Tyra, I love you. I really, really do. I still watch America’s Next Top Model, I still get excited when your episodes of Fresh Prince come on, and I still feel compelled to buy Cover Girl products because that mascara just looked so pretty when you wore it and smiled with your eyes. But at this point, I love you like I love Seamus, the man that fell out of a second story window when he was a child and now spends his days riding around town on his bicycle – I think that you’re really a good person with great intentions, but every time I see you, I can’t help but think “there is no way that this person is completely there.”
Oh, Tyra. How I love to hate thee. Tyra is SO open-minded, you guys. She ran a contest for teenage plus-size models. Except she doesn’t call them “plus-size.” She would never do that. Because Tyra Banks has no idea how to properly hyphenate anything. She also thinks the term is unfair, because apparently the average woman in the United States is a size 14, so this is “real-sized.” (Without the hyphen, ‘natch.) She calls these teens “fiercely real.” This was the Fiercely Real Teen Modeling Competition. CATCHY.
And, I’m sorry, but weren’t we hearing just a few years back that the average woman in the U.S. was a size 12? It’s a size 14 now? And that’s the average? I’m not saying that a size 14 is a big fatty, but, like, that’s a whole hell of a lot of people who are heavier than a size 14. At what point are we going to stop pushing weight acceptance and start pushing healthy eating, portion size, and exercise? Because, like, sure, it’s all good and well to tell our children that they are just fine at any size or shape. In fact, they are just fine at the one-legged shape they’ll have when they have their leg amputated because their diet of fats and sugars has resulted in raging Type 2 diabetes that wasn’t properly treated because no one’s insured in this country. And then they can die of an obesity-related heart attack in their mid-40s. AND THAT IS JUST FINE AND BEAUTIFUL. NO PROBLEM AT ALL HERE. MOVE ALONG. TAKE A BIG MAC FOR THE ROAD.
Rant over. You may all explain in the comments why I’m an asshole and obesity in this country does not at all need to be aggressively addressed rather than babysat.
Anyway. Whatever. Of course you can’t get a whole damn show for this, because we only like to watch thin people on TV, so Tyra ran most of the contest on her website and then brought the finalists onto her talk show. The winner is Sheridan Watson, a 17-year-old teen who’s a size 14. She wins a three-year contract with Wilhemina (which the agency will promptly file in a back drawer and forget about — because, remember, a “contract” with a modeling agency doesn’t mean shit if they don’t get you work) and gets to be in Seventeen magazine, like, once.
That said, this is a very beautiful young woman who a) doesn’t even look plus-size in photos and b) will not have a career in modeling.
I have to hand it to Tyra Banks: She’s a pretty damn good business woman. Or, you know, she has a really good team of people behind her that are invested in her making lots and lots of money. Either way, between her America’s Next Top Model franchise and her talk show, she’s earned herself the spot of one of television’s highest earning women and that’s noteworthy. However, as someone with her eye on the prize, she knows that she can’t keep making money off of telling people to kiss her “fat ass” and showing her audience what she looks like without her weave. Nope, now she’s moving on to conquer the world of film. It was announced today that the fifth season of her talk show will be her final and she’ll be concentrating her efforts on producing movies.
Her company, Bankable Productions, wants to focus on bringing positive images of women to the big screen, which isn’t something I’m going to complain about. It seems like Tyra’s following the Oprah Plan to a T. One thing, though? If Tyra’s going to dedicate her career to empowering women through media, do you think maybe ANTM can scale back on the catty girl drama? I would truly buy Tyra’s whole “girl power” bit if she didn’t also produce and star on a show that’s an adult beauty pageant where mean girl behavior was so prevalent.
Tyra Banks got in to the Halloween spirit today on her show, and according to JustJared, the model donned three different costumes all based on people from TV. Her first costume though, was Kim Kardashian and while I honestly think she looks more like Kourtney, Tyra really pulled it off. Both Kim and Tyra are curvy women who consider themselves to be entrepreneurs (except, well, Tyra kinda actually is and Kim has yet to prove she can sell anything that’s not a sex tape) and dabble heavily in reality TV.
What celebrities are you dressing up as and how are you pulling off your look?
Today Forbes released their list of the highest paid women in primetime and I’m sure that more than one of the names will completely shock you. Tyra Banks took first place with her America’s Next Top Model hosting gig (making over $30 million in a twelve month period), and was followed by the Snow Princess herself, Katherine Heigl, whose earnings will also shock you. The complete list is here:
Tyra Banks: $30 million
Katherine Heigl: $18 million
Marg Helgenberger: $9.5 million
Eva Longoria: $9 million
Mariska Hargitay: $8.5 million
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: $8 million
Maura Tierney: $8 million
Tina Fey: $7 million
Marcia Cross: $6.2 million
Jennifer Love Hewitt & Ellen Pompeo (tie): $6 million
For the most part these ranking make sense, except for Tina Fey’s #8 spot, as she also writes and produces her hit show 30 Rock. Also, Jennifer Love Hewitt can still rack in 6 million a season for a TV show? Who knew? Do people still care about her? I was unaware. I’m also a bit surprised that a Seinfeld alum like JLD isn’t worth more than Heigl, who beside being a complete brat on and off the set of Grey’s, only makes crappy romantic comedies these days.
Aw, man! Sometimes I watch things on television that make me cringe. You know the type of thing where you wish you weren’t watching but you’ll kill anyone who reaches for the remote? This was one of those times. Nightline‘s Cynthia McFadden interviewed Tyra Banks and it aired last night. She asked all the appropriate questions (even if she couldn’t pronounce Paulina Porizkova’s name) about Tyra’s successes and relationships and blah, blah, blah. However, the only thing anyone probably cares about — why do the America’s Top Model judges keep dropping off like flies? — and McFadden was met with silence and crazy eyes. Even after being warned by Tyra’s publicist a couple of times, she just. Kept. Asking. I think that’s the sign of a good journalist, but it still made me bite my nails. I thought Tyra was going to jump out of her seat, grab Cynthia McFadden by her ankles and start swinging her over her head. Or slather her with Grey Poupon and ask for a knife and fork.
All the uncomfortableness happens in the first four minutes. Keep watching if you want to know what Tyra defines as “giving back” — I’ll just tell you: letting the public know when she has cramps. Nope, not kidding. Over-sharer, party of one.
Oh, Tyra! You’re such a scamp! You’re always thinking of new ways to captivate the audience like the time you had your tits ultrasounded to finally answer the age-old question: “Does Tyra Banks have implants?” And I could never forget the time you grabbed Carnie Wilson’s ass on your show. I had to go to a year of EMDR therapy to get over that episode. Thanks. But this, this may be your finest masterpiece yet. I cannot wait until the September 8th season premiere of your show. The day that you have declared “National Real Hair Day”.
That’s right, folks! Tyra’s premiere will consist of her appearing on television not wearing a weave. Apparently, this has never happened before so this is a blockbuster moment. Does anyone else think Tyra Banks might be insane? Look at the pictures from the filming of the premiere before you answer that.