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Tori Spelling

36AUUGHHH!

It’s the Crypt-Keeper! … No, it’s Leslie Nielsen! No …

Fuck, it’s Tori Spelling!

Damn, girlfriend, eat a sandwich!

RadarOnline has secured one of the latest photos of the formerly-svelte 90210 star, Tori Spelling, out and about in LA recently with her daughter. Although plenty of rumors are in blowing in the wind that Spelling is suffering from an eating disorder, she laughs it off by saying that she’s finally “healthy.”

Eating disorders are no joke, man, and if Tori doesn’t pick up some good, old-fashioned greasy diner food soon, she’s not going to be around much longer for those precious babies of hers.

Check out poor Tori’s dwindling figure in the gallery below, and while you’re at it, eat a tub of butter for her, too.

Image courtesy of RadarOnline.com

April 9, 2010 at 8:12 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Tori Spelling

24Caption This!

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Tori Spelling and her creepy husband Dean McDermott go helmetless (that’d be illegal in California, TorTor!) as they bike their munchkins around LA in some sort of newfangled baby Tupperware.

August 16, 2009 at 12:24 pm by Molls
Filed Under: Tori Spelling

13At this Point, I Could Use Tori Spelling to Dig Old Chicken out of My Teeth

Tori Spelling Makes You Feel Good About Being a Little Overweight

Toothpick.

Tori and the family visited Coogie’s Beach Cafe this Sunday to grab a bite to eat, or in Tori’s case, to look at the food and occasionally smell it.

The family became irate and left the restaurant when a waitresses mistakenly attempted to use Tori to hold together a club sandwich.

July 19, 2009 at 2:26 pm by Kelly
Filed Under: Tori Spelling

20Quotables

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“My daughter one day decided that she wasn’t speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that’s how it’s continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years. And it was sad, that’s what killed my husband, actually. He just didn’t want to live after that. He [had] just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”

Candy Spelling speaking to a Massachusetts radio station, relating the story of how her very boring daughter Tori is a murderer.

May 29, 2009 at 3:04 am by Wendie

35Why Are You People Watching Tori Spelling’s Show?

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Tori Spelling is a phenomenon I just don’t understand. She bores me to tears. I find absolutely nothing compelling about her other than the unsolved mystery of how someone with so much money could get such a terrible boob job. I never write a story about her unless I absolutely have to. But most Tori stories go ignored around here unless Wendie picks ‘em up.

So I’m shocked to hear that Tuesday night’s season-four (four???) premiere of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood drew 424,000 women 18-49, making it Oxygen’s most-watched opener among the demo in its nine-year history. In total, there were 763,000 people watching the show about Tori’s marriage and children, even if she did kill her father.

I ask this honestly: Why are people watching this show? Why is anyone remotely interested in the life of this woman and the husband she stole from another woman? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? Identify and explain yourselves.

May 28, 2009 at 9:52 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Tori Spelling

21Tori Spelling Terrified Of Beautiful Daughter

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I’m just going to say it.  How did someone with Tori Spelling’s bone structure produce such a cute child?  I’ve seen pictures of Tori as a baby…she was tragic looking.  Could one-year-old Stella already be getting surgery?  Was she a patient at the Romper Room Rhinoplasty Clinic?  Oh, you know I’m just kidding!  I just feel thankful that Tori’s husband Dean obviously and mercifully possesses all the dominant genes.

Tori was at the pool this weekend with that obviously adopted adorable child rockin’ a bikini.  And when I say “rockin’” I basically mean that her chesticles have hardened into igneous rock formations.  I hope she has strong swimming skills.  Being in water with a mountain chain strapped to your chest can’t be safe.

Tori making that “Oh my God, what’s wrong with this baby’s face?” face while holding her daughter conjures up images of my favorite Twilight Zone episode.  All the characters were doctors and nurses who worked at this hospital and had hideous pig faces but didn’t know they were ugly.  Then, when they removed the bandages from the face of a mystery patient, she was classically beautiful and all the snout faces were horrified by her because they only knew their own definition of beauty.  And while I understand that the moral of the story is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I think we can apply a couple of general ground rules regarding beauty.  For example, my two-year-old shouldn’t start growling and clawing at his own neck every time he sees a picture of Tori Spelling. (I need to video that.)  I hope Tori is aware that she is the snout face in this and every scenario and her baby is the beautiful one.

Finally, I’ve been worried about Tori’s eating habits, however my concerns have been assuaged as she was hard at work scarfing down a sandwich.  Dean is clearly eating small children her other two meals every day.

May 26, 2009 at 5:55 pm by Wendie
Filed Under: Tori Spelling