Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Tori Spelling

More Information About Tori Spelling’s Husband’s Penis Than I Care To Know

Ugh. Well, this is nothing like the Channing Tatum dick-burning incident of early 2010.

This weekend, Tori Spelling’s husband, Dean McDermott Tweeted that he was suffering some complications with the catheter that he has to use after getting in a biking accident. According to his Tweets, his catheter slipped out and tore a hole in the tip of his penis. The cut wound up giving him a fever that resulted in a trip to the hospital. OK, gross.

It’s not even that it’s TMI to talk about accidents involving your private parts. Like I said, this isn’t like when Channing Tatum messed up his junk with some burning water. Because Channing Tatum is hot and the thought of him having a penis doesn’t completely offend me. Dean, on the other hand, gives me a serious case of the willies (no pun intended), and to read the play-by-play on penis injury is truly disgusting.

Tori, how can you unleash him on us?

Dean McDermott Has “Another Accident”

picture of tori spelling and husband, dean mcdermott, who is injured again

But come on, nothing — and I mean nothing — is accidental when you’re married to Tori Spelling, am I right?

Spelling’s husband, Dean McDermott, was hospitalized late yesterday afternoon after suffering a collapsed lung as a result of a dirt biking accident. Poor Dean’s lung is also punctured. Though McDermott is currently in intensive care, his rep reports that he’s recovering nicely and will be released to go home in a few days.

Man. Some guys will go to the most extreme lengths in order to get away from their cryptkeepers wives for even the briefest periods of time.

Well, get well soon, Dean, and get back to doing your manly thing with Donna Martin!

Tori Spelling is Skinny, Paranoid, and Now Communicating With the Dead

photo of tori spelling wearing bad makeup on a pink backdrop

Right from the horse’s mouth (no [laughs] pun intended), Tori Spelling confirms that she’s nuttier than squirrel poo.

Spelling states that she recently visited with famed dead-person contacter John Edward to see if there was a way for her to contact her deceased father, Aaron Spelling. However, instead of meeting up with good old dad, Tori claims that another person “came through” instead: Farrah Fawcett, who, if you remember, died on Michael Jackson’s death day almost a year ago (um, and can you believe it’s almost been a year?).

Tori states that Fawcett left various messages for Spelling to carry back to her family (namely, Ryan O’Neal) and advised her to let them know that she was “happy” and “at peace.”

According to Spelling:

“She wanted me to give a message to her family about how she was doing and what was going on and I’m like, ‘Great! She really picked the wrong person,’” Tori laughed. “Non-confrontational me, what am I gonna do?” Tori continued. “So I’m sitting on that information — I’m happy to say it’s not in the book because it happened afterwards.”

Though Tori claims that she’s non-confrontational — and really, who the hell are we talking about, here, non-confrontational Donna Martin, or mama-fighting Tori Spelling? — she obliged Farrah’s request and took a letter to the dead star’s family:

“I actually wrote a letter to Ryan O’Neal and gave it to him so I was like, he’s either going to think I’m completely crazy or he’s going to say, ‘Wow! Some of this makes sense,’ because she gave very specific details of things to tell them,” she explained. “I did and I included that in the note to Ryan saying, ‘Please pass this on to Redmond… She really wanted him to know these things,’” Tori explained. “I haven’t heard from Ryan so I don’t know, you know, I’m hoping you know he understood what I was trying to say and doesn’t think I’m some loony.”

Oh, damn, that’s rich. Ryan O’Neal thinking that Tori Spelling’s a loony. Not only is that the pot calling the kettle black, but it’s almost too bizarre a concept to even wrap your brain around. That’s like those patients in high-security penitentiaries thinking that they’re pure sanity and everyone else around them is crazy.

Oh, and on that note? Shutter Island? It sucked.

AUUGHHH!

It’s the Crypt-Keeper! … No, it’s Leslie Nielsen! No …

Fuck, it’s Tori Spelling!

Damn, girlfriend, eat a sandwich!

RadarOnline has secured one of the latest photos of the formerly-svelte 90210 star, Tori Spelling, out and about in LA recently with her daughter. Although plenty of rumors are in blowing in the wind that Spelling is suffering from an eating disorder, she laughs it off by saying that she’s finally “healthy.”

Eating disorders are no joke, man, and if Tori doesn’t pick up some good, old-fashioned greasy diner food soon, she’s not going to be around much longer for those precious babies of hers.

Check out poor Tori’s dwindling figure in the gallery below, and while you’re at it, eat a tub of butter for her, too.

Image courtesy of RadarOnline.com

Caption This!

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Tori Spelling and her creepy husband Dean McDermott go helmetless (that’d be illegal in California, TorTor!) as they bike their munchkins around LA in some sort of newfangled baby Tupperware.

At this Point, I Could Use Tori Spelling to Dig Old Chicken out of My Teeth

Tori Spelling Makes You Feel Good About Being a Little Overweight

Toothpick.

Tori and the family visited Coogie’s Beach Cafe this Sunday to grab a bite to eat, or in Tori’s case, to look at the food and occasionally smell it.

The family became irate and left the restaurant when a waitresses mistakenly attempted to use Tori to hold together a club sandwich.

Quotables

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“My daughter one day decided that she wasn’t speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that’s how it’s continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years. And it was sad, that’s what killed my husband, actually. He just didn’t want to live after that. He [had] just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”

Candy Spelling speaking to a Massachusetts radio station, relating the story of how her very boring daughter Tori is a murderer.