Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Wants You to Think That Katie’s a Family-Killing Famewhore

photo of katie holmes and suri cruise pictures
Yes, because while Tom‘s current public reputation is in the shitter, why not try to drag Katie down with him? Makes perfect sense, especially when you’re Tom Cruise.

Here’s what was happening in the Cruise marriage four months before the breakup, that made everyone continuously think that these two were in it for the sheer publicity:

Cruise and Holmes stood in a darkened area near the bathrooms [of a theater]. “Everyone’s just staring at them. And he and Katie were extremely touchy-feely. They’re giggling. He was kissing her. And everyone’s like, Wow, this is real—because no one believes it’s real. But if they weren’t real, why would they be all over each other? Everything they do in public is over-the-top. But there was practically no audience. There were only five people waiting for the bathroom.”
Soon, though, the make-out session started to take on a different complexion. “This went on and on,” the witness recalls. “He keeps kissing her. And we’re like, This is strange that they’re still kissing. Who goes out and has a make-out session with their wife? I mean, really. It felt like a poorly directed love scene. It’s like you’re kissing your girlfriend on the subway—if you kiss her fifteen times, it starts to be less cool. By the end, I was just confused.”

And on how the majority of people thought that the relationship was a stunt from the get-go, so they weren’t really fooling anyone:

Barely a month after meeting Holmes, Cruise made the now infamous appearance on Oprah, where he jumped on the sofa, pumped his fists, and otherwise proclaimed how gaga he was about his new girlfriend. Sixty-three percent of respondents in a People magazine poll said they ­believed the relationship was a publicity stunt. Winfrey later ­admitted to finding his behavior perplexing.

But now, the interesting perspective that Katie may have actually been in on this whole thing from the start, and the marriage and divorce was only a ploy to launch her career into super-stardom:

• Instead of sitting down with her husband and saying she wanted a divorce, Holmes waited until he was in Iceland, then phoned him with the announcement, and was reportedly unwilling to reconsider.

• Holmes didn’t give Cruise any explanation for the decision, according to someone with knowledge of the situation.

• Afterward, according to the knowledgeable source, Holmes wouldn’t speak to her husband again, instead making him deal directly with her father (a ­divorce lawyer, as it happens).

• The story as it played out in the press was self-evidently driven by leaks from the Holmes camp.

• At the same time, false stories, uncorrected by Holmes’s publicists, ran, suggesting that Holmes had secured the new apartment without Cruise’s knowledge (in fact, according to Cruise’s publicist, Amanda Lundberg, Holmes and Cruise had agreed to get the apartment in mid-May).

• In Holmes’s daily photo ops, Suri was a conspicuous prop, as she has been for years. If you think this is just a case of a celebrity trying to live a normal life: When was the last time you saw a picture of Blue Ivy? Can you name any of Julia Roberts’s kids?

• Playing into the escape-from-­Scientology story line, it was reported that Holmes had now “registered” with a Catholic church. Who “registers” with a church? You just go.

• And Holmes wasted no time in starting filming of a new movie, based on her own screenplay about a single mom, Molly, on the day the settlement was announced.

The story (which you can read in its entirety here) goes on to claim that Katie is, and always has been, the ultimate fame-seeker, and how she was “enraged” by Michelle Williams’ career success post-’Dawson’s Creek’, and that she knew what she was getting into the entire time she was being courted or whatever by Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise Camp, and while it all sounds plausible, I have to shake myself and say, “No! These theories are a plant by Tom Cruise, and I’m not going to allow Tom Cruise to taint my disdain for him with pity for being possibly used.” No, it’s just not going to happen. We’re going to chalk this one up to fable-spinning and leave it at that, OK? I just don’t want to examine it any further because I’m afraid of what kind of conclusion I might come to.

Who Is Suri’s Biological Father?

A photo of Suri Cruise

The idea that Tom Cruise is not the biological father of Suri isn’t new, not by a long shot. Way back when Suri was born, there were conspiracies about the paternity. Here’s a quick summary, since 2006 was a long time ago: Katie broke up with Chris Klein in March of 2005, and she began dating Tom just a few weeks later. Suri was born in April of 2006. BUT the public didn’t get a glimpse of Suri until months later, and her birth certificate wasn’t issued until three weeks after she was actually born, so was she really born in April? There were a lot of suspicious things happening surrounding Katie’s pregnancy and Suri’s birth, which could either be chalked up to those wacky Scientologists or a different story of conception than the one we heard. So basically, a lot of people think that Chris Klein could have fathered Suri right before that breakup.

But it’s not 2005 anymore, and Katie is no longer under the spell of Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s cult. She is her own woman now, and it looks like she’s raising Suri to be her own woman as well. So naturally, Tom is horrified. He’s pissed that these rumors are still coming up, and he’s upset that the rumors could one day cause Suri to request a paternity test. Then, of course, there’s the possibility that Tom’s “unyielding need for control” would potentially cause him to refuse to take the paternity test that may or may not ever come up at all, and then what would happen to his relationship with Suri?

Look, I know this is sort of a silly story – it’s from the Enquirer, after all – but I think it’s interesting. The original story mentions rumors that Suri’s biological dad could be the aforementioned Chris Klein, or Katie’s Dawson’s Creek lover, Joshua Jackson, or possibly Josh Hartnett. There’s also the super fun thought that Katie could have been inseminated with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard, which is my personal favorite. But what do you think?

If Tom isn’t Suri’s father – I’m bad at babies, remember? – then I’d say Chris Klein is the only other possibility. It’s not that I think Suri doesn’t look anything like Tom, but I could definitely see where the Chris Klein rumors come from. Take a look at that punk:

A photo of Chris Klein

He and Suri have similar eyes, right? Yeah, I’d say that’s a solid possibility.

The Church of Scientology Is Holding An Emergency Meeting

A photo of Tom Cruise

From the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Scientology leader David Miscavige called a secret emergency summit among the controversial church’s top celebrities to deal with the public fallout from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ divorce.

Sources told The Enquirer that among those contacted for the clandestine conference call were Hollywood hot shots John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Bijou Phillips, Leah Remini, Jenna Elfman and Juliette Lewis.

The church has been on the defensive since Katie blindsided her famous hubby with divorce papers on June 28. Numerous sources have reported that she wanted to protect their 6-year-old daughter, Suri, from falling victim to the religion’s “weird teachings.”

Media outlets have been having a field day with the coverage – the cover of one New York City newspaper featured a mock-up of Tom’s head, with wires attached to it, inside an alien spaceship!

And both Tom and the organization have been the butt of jokes on late-night TV and the internet. Even media mogul Rupert Murdoch chimed in on Twitter, calling people who practice Scientology “evil” and “creepy.”

“Scientology has never been hit this hard, this fast,” explained an insider. “The church is being made out to be a laughingstock, and Miscavige had a meltdown that his top draw, Tom Cruise, was being ridiculed across the globe.”

In an effort to do some damage control, Miscavige directed the top secret conference call from the church’s headqurters in Los Angeles.

“Every one of these celebs, from John Travolta to Kirstie Alley, loves the church and will do anything to promote it,” the source said.

The plan is to embark on a $25 million public relations blitz in which the church will “pull back the curatins” and be more open about its beliefs. As part of that initiative, the church is considering starting a Scientology cable TV channel, which will feature its biggest stars talking about the faith.

“The Scientologists are determined to help Tom,” added the source. “But they also want to protect the church’s reputation from further embarrassment.

YES. Yes, Scientology, this is a fantastic, foolproof plan. Of course you should be more open about your beliefs, and absolutely you should start your very own TV channel where Kirstie Alley and John Travolta can teach us all about thetans and Xenu and all your fascinating history, and then you can have the Tom Cruise Levitation and Mind Control Hour to bring in the ratings during prime time. There is no way at all that this plan could possibly backfire.

On a different note, it tickles me so much that the leader of Scientology “had a meltdown” over the fact that Tom Cruise isn’t being taken seriously. Is this really the first time that he’s hearing about that? Because I can’t remember a time this century that anyone took Tom Cruise seriously.

We just really need that Scientology TV. Then we’ll see. Then we’ll all see.