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Taylor Swift

The Kennedys Don’t Love Taylor Swift So Much Anymore

A photo of Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift has a problem, you guys. She has a Kennedy problem. I don’t know if she’s just super into the whole idea of American royalty or if she’s never heard about that curse thing, but she’s got a serious problem. That’s the only reason I can think of why Taylor would do what she did.

Well, ok, that made it sound a little more serious than it really is. Taylor Swift hasn’t carved Conor’s name into her arm or tied Conor down and branded her name on his chest, and she hasn’t been poking holes in condoms, and she hasn’t been caught making out with pictures of JFK (that we know of). No, she just crashed a wedding. But in a really, really creepy way.

From People:

Victoria Gifford Kennedy is claiming the 22-year-old Grammy award winner crashed her daughter Kyle’s wedding in Boston on Saturday.

The mother of the bride says Swift’s beau, Conor, was invited to her daughter’s nuptials to Liam Kerr, but failed to RSVP.

“[Swift and Conor] texted me an hour before the wedding and asked if they could come. I responded with a very clear ‘Please do not come.’ They came anyway,” she tells the Boston Herald.

“I personally went up to Ms. Swift, whose entrance distracted the entire event, politely introduced myself to her and asked her as nicely as I could to leave,” she adds. “It was like talking to a ghost. She seemed to look right past me.”

But Swift’s rep, Paula Erickson, tells the paper that Gifford Kennedy’s claims are totally bogus.

“Taylor was invited to the wedding and the bride thanked her profusely for being there,” she said.

Prior to this incident, the Kennedy family has treated Swift warmly and welcomed her into the fold.

“She’s awesome,” Conor’s aunt, Rory Kennedy, said of the singer earlier this summer. “She’s a great friend of all of ours.”

Yeah, I’m going to trust the mother of the bride on this one. How weird, right? And rude and creepy and so many other things. Especially the part where “it was like talking to a ghost.” Like Taylor was so entranced by being at a big, official, real life Kennedy affair that she couldn’t focus on anything. It’s one (extremely rude) thing if you show up to a wedding after someone asks you not to, but to ignore them when they ask you to leave? Did Taylor Swift just pull her very first bitch move?

Taylor Swift Loves Her Kennedy with All Her Heart

A photo of Taylor Swift

Just look at those two kids up there, holding hands and frolicking merrily along the beach! Have you ever seen a couple look more content? More in love? More goofy?

Once you get over the sheer romance of this photo, you can start to see a few other noteworthy things. For instance, Taylor is in another darling swimsuit, while Conor looks like he’s wearing boxers underneath his trunks (is that a thing?). Taylor is staring straight at the camera, exuding that familiar sense of desperation, while Conor is looking downward and perhaps seems a little bummed out. Probably because summer’s almost over and he’ll have to go back to school soon. High school. Because Taylor Swift’s boyfriend is still in high school.

At first it seemed kind of odd to me that Taylor would want to date an 18-year-old – who, please remember, was 17 when they started dating – but now it all makes sense. Taylor has the mindset of an eighth grader, and she’s going to be dating a senior. In high school. She’s going to be so popular.

Here’s one more picture:

A photo of Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy

Electric.

New Taylor Swift Music! New Taylor Swift Music!

A photo of Taylor Swift

And that’s the cover of the very first single from her new album. Like, for real. That’s really it. It’s actually called “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Here’s the song itself:

Taylor is 22 years old. Does everyone remember that? 22. Good lord.

The new album is titled Red, which sounds very mature, and it will be released on October 22nd. A while back, someone asked Taylor about the songs she’d been writing for her new album, and she answered “they’re sad, if I’m being honest.” Because allegedly? A lot of the songs are about her parents’ divorce. Which, by the way, hasn’t happened yet. They’re just separated, they don’t want to actually file for divorce yet because they don’t want to hurt Taylor. Who, just in case you forgot, is 22 years old.

But hey, who do you think Taylor’s new song is about? Probably John Mayer, I’d wager. I imagine that Jake Gyllenhaal* and Taylor Lautner have long since found new beards to love and leave since their brushes with the Swift.

*Real quick, Taylor has gone from Jake Gyllenhall to this floppy-headed kid. What an unbelievable downgrade, am I right?

Taylor Swift is Really, Really Desperate

photo of taylor swift and conor kennedy pictures
And just how desperate is Taylor Swift? Well, let’s just say this: she’s desperate enough to clinch a future with the Kennedy family that she purchased a house right next door to the one where her eighteen-year-old almost-jailbait boyfriend, Conor Kennedy, lives with his family.

Remember how Emily mentioned to you that Taylor was considering purchasing a house in the general Kennedy area? Well it apparently isn’t a rumor, because it’s been confirmed that the house has been bought and paid for by Taylor herself. From People:

The Nashville-based singer, 22, who is dating Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s son Conor, 18, has bought a house in Hyannis Port, Mass., across the street from Conor’s grandmother Ethel, according to several reports.

A realtor in Hyannis, Mass., confirmed the purchase to PEOPLE, saying Swift bought the property last week.

“It’s in a beautiful location and right across the street from Conor and the Kennedys,” the realtor says. “It’s a beautiful home. She got a nice home, paid fair price. The house was on the market for two to four years.”

So. I’ve just got to ask: what’s going to become of the home when Conor finally grows up and dumps Taylor’s ass? Is she going to just sell it? No, no; I hardly think that’s going to be the case. No, I think Taylor’s going to go all I-was-spurned-by-a-Kennedy, so now I’m going to burn this house to the ground and play my guitar out front while the structure smolders, and I’m going to give my ex-boyfriend’s house the tear-filled eye of I-hate-you-so-so-much SQUEE.

Taylor Swift Is The New Jackie O

A photo of Conor Kennedy and Taylor Swift

This might be a little premature, but I think that Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy might be my favorite new couple of 2012. It’s definitely not Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis or John Mayer and Katy Perry, who are the only other important couples I can think of right now. But Taylor and Conor (Swennedy?) are just so fresh, so enthralling, so illegal! There’s a lot to love. There’s a whole lot to love.

For instance, there’s this little tidbit from the Enquirer (via Celebitchy) all about how Conor is such a player that he might break little Tay-Tay’s heart:

“Everyone has been reminding Taylor that Kennedy men are notorious womanizers,” said a source close to the 22-year-old. “There’s a long history in that family of cheating, and she should just run for the hills! But Taylor just laughs it off, at one point saying, ‘Don’t be silly, Conor has a heart of gold.’”

“Taylor and Conor have taken over the Kennedy compound,” revealed the source. “If they aren’t sailing or tossing around a football on the lawn, they’re strolling the grounds hand-in-ahnd or smooching under a tree.”

Now Taylor is looking to buy a nearby $4.9 mansion. Said the source: “She and Conor remind people of a young John and Jackie Kennedy – they’re the talk of the town!”

AHAHAHA. There’s so much hilarity in that little story, isn’t there? I don’t think Conor Kennedy is a womanizer, nor do I think he has a heart of gold: I think he’s just an 18-year-old kid who’s amazed because a girl is letting him touch her boob. Under the bra, probably. Seriously, look at that guy. Does he really look capable of womanizing? And I don’t think I even have to explain the absurdity of the “she and Conor remind people of a young John and Jackie Kennedy” part. Because no. That never happened.

But wait, there’s more! Taylor and Conor (Kennewift?) are getting so serious that Taylor took Conor back home to Nashville to meet her parents. Some girl on Twitter even took a creepy picture as proof:

A photo of Tayor Swift and her parents

Man, this relationship is serious. Where do you think Taylor and Conor (Taynnedy?) stayed while they were in Nashville? Do you think they slept in the same bed?

Taylor Swift Robbed The Cradle

A photo of Conor Kennedy and Taylor Swift

You know how Taylor Swift is dating little Conor Kennedy? And you know how I said that it was weird that Taylor, 22, is dating an 18-year-old? Well, it’s about to get weirder, because it turns out that Conor hasn’t even been 18 for a month yet. Nope, his birthday is on July 24th, and the first sighting of the couple happened on the very next day. Suspicious?

From the New York Post:

Could Taylor Swift be a Kennedy cougar? Sources tell us the country singing star, 22, kicked off her friendship with Conor Kennedy months ago, when he was still a minor. We’re told Conor’s cousins would accompany them on dates, but the family insisted they wait until after he turned 18 to come out as a couple.

Now People magazine reports: “Their romance became quite public on July 25 — just a day after Conor’s 18th birthday — with a hand-holding pizza outing in his hometown of Mount Kisco, NY.” Since then, the two have been spotted kissing in public, and a source tells us, “They’ve already said, ‘I love you.’ ” However, a rep for Swift insisted, “This is not true.”

So yeah, Taylor was definitely dating a 17-year-old. She was in Massachusetts for the 4th of July, remember, when everyone thought she was dating Patrick Schwarzenegger? And guess who they were hanging out with? Little Conor Kennedy. Taylor’s forbidden fruit. Scandalous.

Quotables: The Kennedy Family is, Like, So Happy That Taylor Swift is Joining Them

photo of taylor swift dating a kennedy pictures

“She’s awesome. She’s a great friend of all of ours. [As for Taylor becoming a permanent addition to the Kennedy family someday] we should be so lucky.”

This is an actual quote from Rory Kennedy, who is an aunt of Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend, Conor Kennedy. BAM.

OK, am I the only one totally about to barf here? Could there seriously be more verbal flogging going around the Kennedy family and out of Taylor Swift’s mouth here? Because ugh. First, the kid’s eighteen years old. He’s probably still only interested in boobs and vagina and how often he can touch both of them in a month’s time and not even considering what it would be like to marry a bitch and watch her succumb to some kind of mysterious fate like suicides, plane crashes, or car accidents.

One step at a time, guys, OK?