Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Spencer Pratt

Photos from The Hills Premiere Party, In Case You Care

You know, every now and then, something will happen that reminds me that I’m getting more mature. Like, I’ll carry the trash bag all the way to the trash chute, instead of just setting it in the hall outside my apartment and trusting that someone else will get so sick of the smell that they’ll take it to the trash chute for me. When I tell people I’m going to the gym later this afternoon, it’s the truth. When my cats are crying because they’re hungry at 6:30 in the morning, I get out of bed and give them food, rather than grabbing the water gun off the bed stand and shooting at them until they shut up. And, in the ultimate proof that I am becoming a full-fledged adult, I no longer care about The Hills. It’s true. I don’t watch it and I don’t want to. Every now and then I get a little pang of guilt about it, but it quickly passes. I really didn’t care at all about The Hills‘ season premiere on Monday and I’m not afraid to admit it.

But here are the pictures. Because I don’t think I’ll ever get old enough that I don’t want to look at other people’s dresses.

Also: Did Heidi get her lips done recently? Yes or no?

America’s Newest Line of Defense: Heidi and Spencer

Honestly, when I first heard that Heidi and Spencer were planning on making a trip to Iraq, I was like “As a weapon?”

Are they just going to annoy the living daylights out of the enemy? Explode heads with the sheer force and relentlessness of their egos?

No, no.

Actually, Heidi plans to sing for the troops.

“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” she said in an interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.”

And they’re somehow dragging Meghan McCain into this mess, too.

“She’s very sweet,” Spencer said. “I think Meghan McCain is helping organize Heidi and our Iraq trip. Her dad definitely has some pull with the military. I think she’s going to put that together for us.”

Jesus Christ, how funny would it be if Heidi and Spencer single-handedly destroyed the John McCain campaign? Like, “Yeah, I was gonna vote for him, but if he’s gonna help promote Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, he clearly doesn’t have a clue about what’s in this country’s best interest.”

Also on the Speidi agenda: a video game. Yeah, you read that right. “It’s top secret,” Spencer says. “Get ready. All your wildest dreams are going to be in it.”

Oh, I hope so. I hope it’s a first-person shooter game. And I hope the targets are Heidi and Spencer. I would buy that game.

Spencer Pratt is Getting His Own Advice Column

Spencer Pratt to Write Advice Column for RADAR Magazine

No, no, I’m serious.

RADAR magazine gave the dude a regular advice column.

When I first read this, I was like, “Oh, okay, it’s a new spin on the advice column: people will just write in each week and give Spencer Pratt some advice, because he obviously needs it.”

But no.

Spencer Pratt will be the one entrusted to advise other people.

“Spencer is never afraid to speak his mind,” Radar editor Maer Roshan said in a statement. “When asking for advice, it’s good to have someone who will be brutally honest with you, and tell it like it is.”

Oh, man. Spencer doesn’t tell it like it is. Spencer tells it like he thinks it is. And that’s not just not something you want presented as fact, ever.

Did Kristin Cavallari Set Up Spencer and Heidi?

Heidi Montag on Cover of Us Weekly, Pictures, Photos

It looks like that’s the case.

In a new interview with Us Weekly, Spencer says that “Kristin made it all happen. She said to me, ‘I know this girl who’s so hot and perfect for you!’”

My God, it’s a giant plot to ruin Lauren Conrad’s life.

I still love you, Lauren!!!!

Heidi also goes on and on about how she and Spencer are having “ups and downs,” ostensibly because he “cheated” on her, although she adds that “Spencer and I may differ on what it means to cheat.” Heh. Spencer probably gave a radio interview without Heidi there or something awful like that. You know this girl cares way more about famewhoring than she does about any dude.

Heidi & Spencer’s Fake Wedding is Officially Off

heidi_wedding.jpg

Good.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT, HEIDI AND SPENCER!!!!

JAMIE-LYNN SPEARS IS PREGNANT.

You don’t matter today, Heidi, or ever.

Says Montag,”We’re just going back to being boyfriend and girlfriend…” as Pratt interjects without mockery, “…when our relationship was flawless.”

So where is Montag’s engagement ring? “I turned it into a pendant,” she says. “It wasn’t my dream ring. I don’t like what it represents. I might sell it.”

A pendant.

How very Carrie Bradshaw of you.

Also: this photo is so ridiculously airbrushed.