Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Shaquille O'Neal

Shaq Can Do Anything, Even Conduct An Orchestra!

Did you see Kazaam?  Did you listen to “Shoot Pass Slam?” Have you seen an important basketball game in the past 18 years?  If you answered yes to any of these things, then it should be clear to you that Shaq is a higher being, capable of things that we mortal folk can only dream of doing.  And that’s why this happened:

The Boston Celtics star, 38, led the famous orchestra and the Tanglewood Festival Chorus in a rousing rendition of “Sleigh Ride” as part of the Holiday Pops Concert at Boston’s Symphony Hall.

He might not be the most accomplished conductor in the orchestra’s 125-year history, but at 7-foot-1, he is officially the tallest. And while it wasn’t NBA-caliber grueling, he said the performance was a workout.

“Actually, you know, I have a whole new respect for conductors,” he said before the performance. “I went through a rehearsal today, and my arms are shot right now.”

Beat that, Aaron Carter.

Shaq Does Beyonce in Drag

Shaq was out celebrating the holiday with everyone else last night and he documented the occasion and his drag costume by treating us to a lip dub of Beyonce’s “Sweet Dreams” AKA one of the best songs of our time.

No, he doesn’t know most of the words, but he pushes through almost the entire song, dancing with his hands and snapping his neck.

Shaq’s the best.

Pictures from the Midsummer Night’s Dream Party at the Playboy Mansion, Just Because

hef-and-girlfriends

Their PR chick sent ‘em over, and some of them are pretty sexy. Except for the one Scott Baio’s in. But please check out the one of Shaq, whose right hand basically spans the length of some chick’s torso.

I was just thinking about this tonight. You know, I’m tired of people saying there’s no way to tell how big a guy’s penis is until you get his pants off. There’s pretty much a direct relationship between hand/foot size and penis size. Like, I’d say you can predict with about 95% certainty how large a guy’s penis is going to be by checking out the size of his hands. Why isn’t this more common knowledge? Why are girls always like, “It’s so unfair, they know how big our tits are, but we don’t know how big their penises are.” Yes you do. Look at his hands. Here’s my theory: The media is predominately run by men with small hands.

Shaquille O’Neal Is the Reason Twitter Exists

shaq_twitter

I can’t stop laughing at this.

A lot of people ask me what Twitter’s about, and why I use it, and why it matters, and there are so many reasons for its coolness and it’s so hard to put into words the awesomeness of Twitter, but this is a good example. I’ve been following Shaq’s Twitter (it’s here) for awhile now, and every single thing he tweets makes me smile. It’s just so cool to get to know what this uber-celeb athlete is thinking every day, and to see that this gigantic dunk machine is actually someone who I would probably have a blast just hanging out with.

He spent Saturday in Mesa at an charity event LeBron James and Jay-Z put on, and apparently he was at a comedy roast and lost his voice laughing and cheering so loudly. How cool is that?? I would have never known that about this guy — I would have never seen him as a real person.

Twitter is so awesome.

If you don’t have an account, get one. And follow me, too! A lot of my best tipsters send me info via Twitter. That’s another reason it rocks!

“Kobe, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes!”

OMG this is genius.

You guys have to check out this clip of Shaquille O’Neal rapping at an NYC club last night. I couldn’t stop laughing.

This dude should just give up the whole basketball thing and focus on slamming Kobe Bryant in his raps.

After spending several verses shredding Kobe apart for losing in the NBA playoffs, Shaq drops the line, “I’m a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that’s why I’m getting divorced.”

The line most likely references a comment Kobe made during his infamous 2003 rape case, when he told Colorado police that he “Should have done what Shaq does … Shaq would pay his women not to say anything.” The two became famously bitter rivals after the incident.

Watch the video here.

Shaq’s Quite the Player

shaq1.jpg

Now that he’s on the path to divorce, it looks like Shaquille O’Neal is single and ready to mingle. And by “mingle” I of course mean “have lots of hot sex with random hot chicks.”

Says a driver for the basketball star: “Every time Shaq is in town, I get the call, and let me tell you: He’s got more women leaving his hotel room then any celebrity I’ve ever seen. Every time he stayed at the Marriott in South Beach, he had a blonde or a brunette with him.”

Seriously, you could not pay me enough money to have sex with Shaquille O’Neal. I think we all know why. I mean, have you seen his hands? OUCH!!!

Shaq’s Available!

Shaq Files for Divorce from Wife Shaunie

It’s a very happy day for tall women everywhere. Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neal has filed for divorce from his wife of five years, Shaunie.

The couple have four children together, and each has a child from a previous relationship.

And it looks like this divorce is going to be messy! Shaq’s petition says that Shaunie has been “secretive about her assets . . . particularly with respect to certain properties owned or titled in either [her] name alone or in other entities.” I don’t even know what that means, but I know it means trouble! Yay!

Shaq is also requesting that the couple’s children live with Shaunie, but that he get ”liberal rights of visitation.”