From the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Rihanna is in a desperate life-or-death battle with liver damage caused by years of boozing and out-of-control partying, sources tell The Enquirer exclusively.

The 24-year-old Grammy winner was hospitalized after an early May bender, and her reckless behavior, couple with her grueling work schedule, has friends and experts warning that she’s on a fast track to becoming the next Whtiney Houston.

“Rihanna is spiraling out of control and is headed for an early grave,” said one concerned insider. “It never seems to be one beer or one cocktail. Once she gets started, Rihanna pounds drinks all night long, sometimes until the sun comes up. She definitely goes on binges. She’s been a hard drinker since her teens and her friends and family are desperately urging her to get into rehab.”

Medical experts say the sexy singer’s drinking habits could be deadly. “Rihanna could be dead tomorrow from liver failure,” Orlando-based, board-certified physicial Dr. Gabe Mirkin told The Enquirer. He noted: “Anybody who drinks alcohol for more than two hours a day, even if it is binge drinking once a week, is looking a premature death. Once the liver is permanently damaged, it’s over.”

Dr. Robert Waldman, consultant to the Cliffside Malibu treatment center and a 25-year veteran of addiction medicine, agreed. “The earlier you start to drink, the more the body becomes dependent on alcohol. It can cause deadly cirrhosis of the liver and alcohol poisoning — even at her age.”

Rihanna’s world came crashing down earlier this month. She missed an “SNL” final dress rehearsal and needed a shot of penicillin to make it htrough her May 5 performance. And on May 8, she tweeted a picture of her arm hooked up to an intravenous drop, claiming she was suffering from a nasty bout of the flu, a day after attending the Costume Institute Gala in New York. She was reportedly hospitalized for exhaustion and dehydration.

Ratcheting up her stress, she’s coming off a grueling tour last year, and she’s been flying all over the world to promote her film Battleship. Rihanna recoverd from her frightening hospitalization to make it to the May 10 L.A. premiere, but then she alarmed onlookers by skipping dinner, opting to chew gum and drink a lime cocktail instead. Two days later, she was seen partying until 4 a.m. in a New York nightclub.

Sadly, the entertainer, whose father is a former crack addict, appears to be continuing her nonstop pace — blazing a round-the-world party trail since shse started the year knocking back beers and smoking pot during a Hawaiian vacation.

Yeah, I don’t know about all this. I mean, I’d believe everything besides the part about “the life or death battle with liver damage,” but that’s the main idea behind the story, isn’t it? I believe that Rihanna works way too much, and then when she’s not working, she spends way too much time partying. And sure, she’s 24, she’s going to want party and drink and smoke weed and all that, but girlfriend needs a break. This is one time that a celebrity has been treated for exhaustion and I actually believe she was exhausted. But I’ve seen too many people drink too much during their late teens and early twenties and turn out fine to believe that her liver is that bad. It’s possible, of course, but I don’t buy it.

Also, how creepy are these doctors. “Rihanna could be dead tomorrow from liver failure,” please. Go give a tetanus shot and shut your mouth.

This is what Rihanna wore to take her mother, Monica, out to dinner yesterday. Now, since this is Rihanna, and since you have eyeballs that can see things, I probably don’t have to tell you how ridiculous this ensemble is. I also probably don’t have to tell you that Rihanna’s mom in the background there is dressed way cuter than her daughter. But listen, if I wore that ensemble around my mother, I would probably get a spanking. My mom would “whoop the far* out of me” and tell me to put on some clothes if I wanted to go out. And I’m kind of disappointed that Rihanna’s mom wouldn’t do the same.

*People from the South, you know what I’m talking about. You know how people with a thick dialect say “fire,” but it sounds like “far.” Did any of you Southern kids have trouble trying to understand how someone could whoop the far out of you? What “far” in me? What does that even mean? I was probably 14 before I figured out “oh, you’re saying ‘fire.’” But that doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

On May 10th, 2012, we’re learning that Rihanna and Chris Brown have ended their friendship (or whatever). I mention the date, of course, because it was over three years ago when Chris Brown almost beat Rihanna to death. But no, now he’s crossed the line. Now he’s gone too far. Ugh.

So what happened? A couple of things. The first is that apparently Chris got a tattoo of his lady Karrueche’s face on his arm. And you know how Rihanna feels about Karrueche:

Rihanna‘s friends are reportedly very worried that her partying has gotten “out of control.” According toStar, Rihanna reportedly freaked out when Chris Brown got a tattoo of his girlfriend Karrueche Tran‘s face on his arm — and you’ll never believe what that caused her to do!

“When Chris got the tattoo,” the source says. “Rihanna freaked out. She’s been obsessed with the thought that he’s going to marry Karrueche and she’ll never be able to get back with him. She’s heartbroken and in a bad place.”

Isn’t that just so sad? A source goes on to say that Rihanna gets tired of just sitting in her hotel room so she goes out and parties late and drinks by herself.

“When people tell her she’s a role model, she goes crazy,” the source says. “She doesn’t want to hear it. If anything, she rebels and goes out and does something even more shocking than the time before.”

Yeah, I could maybe see that one, but really I’m going to hold off on really buying that until I see that tattoo, which I’m sure is just beautiful. But this next story, this is what really sealed the deal. This is where Rihanna unfollowed Chris Brown on Twitter, which, as you know, is the absolute clearest sign that a relationship is over. Here’s what happened:

When Brown released a freestyle version of Kanye West’s “Way Too Cold” (formerly “Theraflu”) last night, he could be heard rapping, “Don’t f-ck with my old bitch/It’s like a bad fur/Every industry n-gga done had her/Shook the tree like a pumpkin just to smash her/Bitch is breaking codes, but I’m the password.”

Speculation quickly began to run rampant that Brown was referring to Rihanna, who may very well have thought the same thing seeing how she immediately unfollowed him.

Soon after, Brown himself stopped following Rihanna, as well as tweeting out the following regarding the rumors: “Assumptions! I didn’t say any names so if u took offense to it then it’s something you feel guilty about.”

I don’t blame her at all for being upset over that song, but then again I wouldn’t have blamed her if she never talked to him again after that whole assault thing. To each her own, I suppose, but let’s hope it sticks this time, all right?

That’s a serious question, by the way. Are these photos honestly supposed to be sexy? Don’t get me wrong, for all the shit I give Rihanna, I do know that she’s a seriously gorgeous girl, but these pictures that she did with Terry Richardson? Do people find this sort of thing attractive? Because all I can think about is how uncomfortable that must be, pulling your denim shorts up into your ass crack.

Oh, and she sucks her thumb too. Because that’s not creepy:

And then there’s the crotch grab and flip off combo, that’s always classy:

Please, guys, come through for me on this one: do any of you find any of these pictures remotely hot?

Yesterday, I went to my grandma’s house to hang out with her, my favorite aunt, and my dad. My hair is pink again, and I was wearing a polka dot skirt and a bright blue cardigan. My dad was like “you look nice, but I feel like I’d like your outfit more if I was on acid.” I didn’t know it at the time, but that’s the exact same sentiment I have for Rihanna‘s music video for her song, “Where Have You Been?” It looks nice, but it would probably do a whole lot more for me if I was on drugs.

Look, I know I don’t need to tell you how I feel about Rihanna. I know that you know that I’m not a fan. But I don’t think there’s a singer out there that I understand less. I don’t like Lady Gaga‘s music, but I get that she’s a great musician and she’s made herself an incredibly loyal fanbase. I don’t like Katy Perry‘s music, but I get that her songs are insanely catchy, and hardly a day goes by that I don’t let myself know that “baby, you’re a fiiiiirework.” I don’t like Rihanna’s music, but … that’s it. I just don’t like it. I know some of you guys have told me that you listen to her music because it’s fun, not because she’s some groundbreaking singer, but still. I’m just not going to understand people who listen to Rihanna.

But everybody has different tastes, and that’s just wonderful. While I’m baffled at your collection of techno music, you might be rolling your eyes over my collection of show tunes. While I’m mystified by your love of Rihanna, you might be mystified by my very favorite musician ever:

Or my very favorite ginger musician ever:

Or my very favorite band that is also my boyfriend’s very favorite band:

See? It takes different strokes to move the world. I just don’t get all you people who stroke it to Rihanna.

Personally, she’s influenced me to never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, purchase a onesie. Look at that thing. That is terrible.

But really, Rihanna was named one of the 100 Most Influential People in the World, according to Time. Other such influential people include Obama, Kristen Wiig, Viola Davis, Adele, and Hillary Clinton. I feel like I could make a pretty good argument for each and every one of those folks being influential, but Rihanna? I don’t get it. At all.

Wait, a bad influence can still be incredibly influential, right? That’s got to be it. She’s a bad influence because she’s a brat who sends the message that it’s ok to accept abusive people into your life and who probably hooked up with Ashton Kutcher. That’s it, right?

No, apparently she’s a great person or something, according to the blurb that Stella McCartney wrote about her:

I can’t remember when Rihanna and I first met, but I think it was near a dance floor and one of her tracks was playing. The thing I remember was her being a normal person, not what you’d expect of a young woman about to take over the world. She’s one of the coolest, hottest, most talented, most liked, most listened to, most followed, most impressive artists at work today, but she does it in her own stride. She works hard, very hard. She gives to her fans, friends and foundation not just herself but her energy and spirit.

Rihanna, 24, goes out of her way to support the people she believes in. She is one of the few people I know in that world of fame and celebrity who aren’t all about themselves. She’ll give a real part of herself to an ordinary person she may meet, and that’s rare.

This is the beginning for Rihanna — she has so much more to do and to give. She is just getting going, so watch out. She’s the Barbados ambassador for youth and culture, and she’s coming to a town near you.

I definitely believe that she’s a very hard worker, and I think she’s a good friend and that she’s good to her fans. And of course she “goes out of her way to support the people she believes in,” that’s why she’s still working and being friendly with Chris Brown after he nearly killed her. Being super supportive can obviously be a wonderful quality, but not like this.

Oh, and here’s a bonus way that she’s way influential: she tweets all day long about drugs. Seriously, it’s all the time. It’s mostly just about smoking weed, which whatever, but she’s had a tiny bit of a scandal here recently when she tweeted this picture:

Everybody’s all “what’s with the cocaine, Rihanna?” but I don’t know. The first time I looked at it, I thought it was a white powder, but then I examined it more closely, and I think it’s just more weed. Look how clumpy it is, and she has those papers in her hand. The coloring looks a little off in the picture anyway, that explains why it’s showing up whiter instead of green. I think that mystery’s solved, friends.

But hey, what a good influence, right?