Who the hell let Rachel Zoe out of the house looking like Blind Bessie from the Senior Center did her makeup? I don’t know, but alas, this is what Rachel Zoe looked like on the red carpet at last night’s Golden Globe Awards. Can you even believe it?
Love it or leave it—Rachel Zoe’s luminous, luminous makeup:
Obviously this isn’t breaking news, but Rachel Zoe is scaring the hell out of me. This chicken is 39 years old and has worse skin than my Nana did when she died at the age of 76. She also looks like she’s lost even more weight, which is a horrifying thought as she’s always been known for being painfully thin. I’m not sure it’s fair to demand an explanation as to why she’s so skinny, but the medium-sized amount of information I know about the human body tells me that no one is naturally that slim without there being some sort of medical condition involved (Does cocaine/amphetamine addiction count as a medical problem? I’m asking for a friend.)
Oh. My. God. Guyyyyyyyzzzzz, like, Rachel Zoe literally fired her assistant Taylor last Friday. Oh, I die! Miserable Taylor “Everything in the World Hurts Including This Horrible Job, Kindness and Sun on my Skin” Jacobsen — we’ve seen plenty of her carping on The Rachel Zoe Project — sent an e-mail to her contacts that made it sound like she quit as opposed to being like, canned: “After four amazing years at Rachel Zoe Corporation, I’m saddened and exhilarated at the same time to announce my departure. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to take the challenging leap to go off and style on my own.” Oh, what a disaster!
I’m so upset over this news. No, I’m not kidding, guys. Like, you don’t even know. This is bananas! My earlobes are pulsing and I like, blackout every time I blink and I’m so like … sick about this that I threw up the lima bean I ate for breakfast. I’m pretty sure I’m going to die … lit. er. ally.