Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Rachael Ray

Love It or Leave It: Rachael Ray Has Some Cute Boobs

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Right, doesn’t she? I mean, seriously. Those are some pretty great titties. They’re perky and lovely and just the right size for her frame, and above all – they’re natural. If I were her, I’d never be wishing for another person’s body. She’s got it all right here.

But. As this is a “Love It or Leave It,” and the subtitle of the post is “Rachael Ray Has Some Cute Boobs,” and not “Boots,” it’s those frumpy-assed shoes that kind of ruin the entire thing for me, boobs or not.

Sorry, girl!

Nick Cannon is Still Really Excited, Optimistic About Being Married to Mariah Carey

And he just can’t stop singing her praises. According to Mimi’s husband, Nick Cannon, she does everything with a flair for the talented: singing, dressing, designing really fucking awful perfumes and now, cooking.

Cannon, who is to appear on Rachael Ray’s show today, boasts that his wife is not only a dynamic business woman that happens to have seventy-five different octaves to her singing register, she cooked a turkey “the size of New Jersey” for their latest Thanksgiving feast:

“She cooks! People are always so surprised to see she cooks, but she’s a great cook …”

Nick, hon, I wouldn’t be trying too hard. I mean, it’s great and all that you say you love your wife and renew your vows every fucking year, but if you’re worried about the cash cow leaving you behind in the barn, I hardly think you need to. She’s never going to leave you — she probably thinks that she can’t do any better for some inane reason. You’re in for a nice little lavish life, though, at any rate. Y’all can sit around in your sweatpants and eat chocolates until wifey’s fat enough to wheel around the house in a chair and then you can take her for jaunts around your topiary. One day you’ll go and take a phone call and you’ll hear “Nick! NICKY!” and come running … Miss Mimoo will be on her side like a chocolate-stained bloated Elvis looking for help off of the toilet, looking up at you and there’ll be a glimmer — some kind of reminder — of who the lady, the woman, Mariah Carey used to be. Or maybe it’s just hunger. Or gas.

But at any rate, that’ll make it all worthwhile, now, won’t it?

The Best News I’ve Heard All Week

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Rachael Ray had surgery last week to remove a benign cyst from her vocal cords.  Actually, the best news I could have heard all week would have been that the surgeon sneezed during a critical phase of operating and accidentally severed her vocal cords altogether.  But, since she hasn’t been rendered speechless, at least she’ll stop sounding like a fisher cat in heat.  Or Brooke Hogan trying to sing.  

Feel better soon, Rachael!

Referring To Jessica Simpson As Thin Is The New International Adoption

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Remember when everyone got all Mia Farrow-ish and wanted to adopt babies from other countries?  It really was the hippest trend until IVF twins appeared on the scene.  Well now there is a new game in town:  talking about how skinny Jessica Simpson is.

Stupid Rachael Ray, while attending a Food Network event, hitched her star onto the Flab-gate bandwagon and blabbed to People about the svelteness of Simpson:

“I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson.  I think she looks gorgeous!  I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor.  All of the hoopla about her weight was because of the fit of her jeans. In reality, she is a tiny, slip of a woman.”

Seriously, can we move on to some new “thing” that is totally cool to do?  Because I couldn’t get my mind around Uggs, I couldn’t get my mind around $200 headbands and I can’t get my mind around praising Jessica Simpson’s ass.  I just can’t.

…And We’re Back! (Plus Rachael Ray!)

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Sorry that posting has been slow/non-existent so far today. No, I didn’t decide to sleep in really, really late. Actually, I got up bright and early and met Evil T to be in the audience for a taping of the Rachael Ray show.

I have to admit, I was skeptical about the whole thing. I’ve never been a huge Rachael Ray fan, but T was so excited about it, and it was sweet of her to invite me, so I woke up earlier than I have since I moved to New York, took the F over to 42nd street and then walked like 20 blocks to the Rachael Ray studios, on 42nd and 3rd ave (I haven’t quite mastered the NYC subways yet).

To be honest, watching Rachael Ray was like the least fun part of it. Mostly because I don’t care much about her. But the comedian who kept the audience alert and laughing was fantastic, the staff was great, and, after Rachel cooked her meal of chicken and broccoli, she brought it right over to me and T!!!! So we got to sit there eating yummy home cookin’ while the rest of the audience looked on jealously. Woo hoo! Plus — the portion of the studio where the audience sits actually spins, so we can watch Rachael on all the sets. The spinning was awesome.

Anyway, I’m back home now, and we’ll get to the gossip.