Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Rachael Ray

Love It or Leave It: Rachael Ray Has Some Cute Boobs

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Right, doesn’t she? I mean, seriously. Those are some pretty great titties. They’re perky and lovely and just the right size for her frame, and above all – they’re natural. If I were her, I’d never be wishing for another person’s body. She’s got it all right here.

But. As this is a “Love It or Leave It,” and the subtitle of the post is “Rachael Ray Has Some Cute Boobs,” and not “Boots,” it’s those frumpy-assed shoes that kind of ruin the entire thing for me, boobs or not.

Sorry, girl!

Nick Cannon is Still Really Excited, Optimistic About Being Married to Mariah Carey

And he just can’t stop singing her praises. According to Mimi’s husband, Nick Cannon, she does everything with a flair for the talented: singing, dressing, designing really fucking awful perfumes and now, cooking.

Cannon, who is to appear on Rachael Ray’s show today, boasts that his wife is not only a dynamic business woman that happens to have seventy-five different octaves to her singing register, she cooked a turkey “the size of New Jersey” for their latest Thanksgiving feast:

“She cooks! People are always so surprised to see she cooks, but she’s a great cook …”

Nick, hon, I wouldn’t be trying too hard. I mean, it’s great and all that you say you love your wife and renew your vows every fucking year, but if you’re worried about the cash cow leaving you behind in the barn, I hardly think you need to. She’s never going to leave you — she probably thinks that she can’t do any better for some inane reason. You’re in for a nice little lavish life, though, at any rate. Y’all can sit around in your sweatpants and eat chocolates until wifey’s fat enough to wheel around the house in a chair and then you can take her for jaunts around your topiary. One day you’ll go and take a phone call and you’ll hear “Nick! NICKY!” and come running … Miss Mimoo will be on her side like a chocolate-stained bloated Elvis looking for help off of the toilet, looking up at you and there’ll be a glimmer — some kind of reminder — of who the lady, the woman, Mariah Carey used to be. Or maybe it’s just hunger. Or gas.

But at any rate, that’ll make it all worthwhile, now, won’t it?

The Best News I’ve Heard All Week

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Rachael Ray had surgery last week to remove a benign cyst from her vocal cords.  Actually, the best news I could have heard all week would have been that the surgeon sneezed during a critical phase of operating and accidentally severed her vocal cords altogether.  But, since she hasn’t been rendered speechless, at least she’ll stop sounding like a fisher cat in heat.  Or Brooke Hogan trying to sing.  

Feel better soon, Rachael!