Pam Anderson, circa 2011. In all honesty, she doesn’t look all that different (from the, uh, neck down) than the Pam Anderson of the late eighties/early nineties. And think back, she was one of the hottest things going in those days. She could’ve bedded any dude she wanted. And probably did. Which is why, yes, based on her appearance I’d probably still hit it, but based on the fact that she’s more than likely stretched out to hell and back, I’m more apt to say “I’ll pass on that.”

Would you or wouldn’t you?

I’ve never known a time when Pamela Anderson was hot. I’m not sure if I was too young when Baywatch was big or, like, if I was alive or just didn’t care about boobs then or what, but to me, Pamela has always been a scary, trashy lady. And this little ensemble does nothing to change my mind.

The askew straps. The dumb shoes. The entire outfit. Nothing Pam is doing right here is working even a little bit. But you want to know what the worst part is? The crazy eyes. Look at those things. If you lean in real close, or enlarge your screen size or whatever, you can see all the troubles in the world. Who knows, maybe that one strap is falling down because she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. Regardless, Pam’s tale is a tragic one, and this tight little mess of lace doesn’t do anything to make it better.

But you know better, now, don’t you friends? Anyone could look good with the right lighting and copious amounts of Photoshop – even, like, Jabba the Hutt. And these particular photos? Are so heavily-Photoshopped that they might have even been entirely digitally fabricated.

Anyway, this is the original Baywatch beauty posing for some chintzy lingerie company, very originally called ‘Secrets in Lace.’ The best part of it? Pamela is the ‘designer’ for this particular line: the whole concept was her own. She’s calling it her ‘Pamela Couture Stocking Collection.’

I don’t know about you guys, but when I think the words ‘hot’ and ‘sexy,’ Pamela Anderson does not come to mind these days. Hell, even back when Baywatch was popular, ‘scary’ leaped off the page at me more when it came to Pamela Anderson instead of ‘attractive,’ and even that was during her heyday.

These photos make girlfriend look desperate, trashy, and old – three things that, when combined, are like the kiss of death in Hollywood.

Take it easy on the photos at work. There’re no body parts exposed, but I’m sure your boss probably wouldn’t be all that cool if you locked yourself in the janitor’s closet with a Victoria’s Secret catalog, would he?

David Hasselhoff was honored with a Comedy Central roast last night and while the show isn’t set to air until August 15th, I went ahead and pulled some photos for you. Here are my thoughts:

1. While The Hoff is famous enough to get roasted, shouldn’t we still be punishing him for the cheeseburger phone call?
2. Nicole Eggert looks like she’s suffering from the worst case of coke bloat ever.
3. Whitney Cummings’ dress won the red carpet
4. Pam Anderson. American (but actually Canadian) Classic. Can’t not love her.
5. Traci Bingham is the ultimate example of “black don’t crack”. She could pass for a 20-something.

Are you looking forward to watching the roast?

On Saturday, Pamela Anderson hosted her 43rd birthday party at Tao in Las Vegas, where she was, as best I can tell, completely fucking blitzed and trying to initiate a makeout session with a cake shaped like a black man’s penis wearing a fifth-grader’s piano recital dress. (Seriously, what is that cake supposed to be?)

That same day, Carmen Electra, age 38, hosted a night at the Rio. I assume, based on her brief marriage to Dennis Rodman, it was Carmen who explained to the staff at Tao what it looks like when a black man’s penis is dressed in a fifth-grader’s piano recital dress.

Carmen had her beau Rob Patterson in tow (that’s Patterson, the former guitarist from Korn, although I would give my left arm for Carmen Electra to date Rob Pattinson. Which could, ya know, happen, because Pattinson’s announced plans to systematically fuck anything that walks.)

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“I haven’t done Botox. I don’t like all that facial stuff. It scares me. You see these people who have had it, and they all look the same. I just don’t think I should go that way, especially at 43. I think I should just age. I’ve never been the prettiest person, and I don’t feel I need to chase youth.”

Pamela Anderson inadvertently speaks coherently, and makes a valid point, too. (And no, I’m not railing on her because she said she’s “never been the prettiest person” — that’s just not even the point here.)  Good job on fighting the sexualized machine that perpetuates the fabled fountain of youth!

(But comb your hair, girl.)