Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Mike Sorrentino

Why Else is The Situation is in Rehab?

photo of mike the situation sorrentino pictures photos pics
Well I’ll tell you: it’s prescription drugs and alcohol. Not overwork, not exhaustion, not mental health issues or anorexia; pills and booze. You know, pills and booze? The thing that so commonly kills people these days? What a stupid, stupid asshole. Stupid asshole.

Some sources – whether reliable or not, I couldn’t tell you – are saying that The Situation‘s pills of choice included Ambien and Xanax. These two drugs were said to counteract other (presumably illegal) drugs that he was taking along with the booze. Radar Online says:

“He had been taking very, very large amounts of the two drugs to counter-act his hard partying, which included use of illegal substances. It was getting extremely dangerous for Mike because when he would take Ambien and Xanax he would already be under the influence, and he would forget how many pills he took, causing him to take too many sometimes. Mike was blacking out, and suffering from memory loss, which is very common when taking large doses of the two prescription drugs.”

And the Chicago Sun-Times says that The Situation didn’t even go ahead to rehab on his own – it took a whole lot of convincing by those who’d spent extended amounts of time around him (chicks he hooked up with don’t count in this, I’m afraid):

A source close to the Situation’s situation paraphrased the old Hillary Clinton book title, saying “it took a village” of Sorrentino’s friends, fellow “Jersey Shore” castmates and family members to convince the reality show star of the depth of his alcohol addiction problems. “He has been out of control for a long time and has been saying some really bizarre stuff for months,” added the associate. “He thought everyone was out to get him, and he’d say things that made no sense. Really nutso.”

So can we talk about this for a second? Can we? Because the thing is, what’s going to happen to Jersey Shore? Is this (The Sitch’s problem and Snooki’s pregnancy) the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper? Is MTV going to continue to push their cash cows into yet another season – though they’re probably already contractually bound anyway – where The Situation might be forced into … um, situations where he’s going to be at clubs and around people who take drugs and drink and party like there’s no tomorrow? Because I’d be willing to bet that three episodes in, The Situation would be caving and then what. Then what? Then MTV would be seen as enablers, and I know that they kind of have been, ever since that whole ‘Teen Mom’ thing, but this is on a different level. Will they scrap the show? Somehow I doubt it. Ratings will be sky-high if a rehabbed Situation continues to appear, as well as a pregnant and moody Snooki. Could you imagine how the viewership would grow, even from the new viewers? Morbidly curious new visitors are going to be drawn to this business like flies to honey.

An Open Letter to Mike Sorrentino from His Abs

Dear Mike,

We are cold. We are chafed. We have been used on countless occasions as the intermediary between a drunk chick with thick legs and too much makeup and the penis we can only assume hangs somewhere, sadly, beneath our bulging, defined curves. It is dwarfed, really, by us. And that was fine for awhile. We could play wingman like that. We could fall on the grenade, our perfect form attacked again and again by the literal underbelly of the type of chicks you took home to bang before you got this television gig.

But it’s gone too far. We have become a prop in one of John Mayer’s jokes, like Jessica Simpson. We don’t like being touched so much. We don’t like being on display like this. We don’t like repping workout products. We’re not even especially impressive abs, when compared to, say, Matt Felker’s.

Please, please stop this insanity. Keep your clothes on, dude.

With all due respect,
Your Abs