Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Michelle Branch

Can Timbaland Make Us Care About Michelle Branch Again?

It was just a few years ago that Timbaland brought Nelly Furtado back from the dead of adult-contemporary radio stations, and it appears that now he’s trying to do the same thing with Michelle Branch.

While I was never much of a Michelle Branch fan (I’m more about that Vanessa Carlton), I’m down to give this a shot. Let’s face it: Timbaland doesn’t even know how to produce a shitty track. I think it would be a greater challenge for him to make a whack song than it would be for him to try and make Michelle Branch popular again, so you know, I’ll give them both that.

What do you think about their new song “Getaway”?

When Stalking Isn’t Worth It


Here’s some news. I love this AP article so I’m going to quote and rip as I see fit (just so we’re all on the same page here).

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (AP) — A Maryland man accused of stalking Michelle Branch was arrested at her concert in Sheboygan this week after she spotted him in the crowd.

Sheboygan is where some shit goes DOWN man! Did you know the Johnsonville World Bratwurst Eating Championship is held there? It’s true, you can look it up. So don’t just stroll into Sheboygan and think you won’t get stalked Michelle. Think again sister.

“Michelle Branch said, ‘Wait a second. There’s a guy in the audience — striped shirt and glasses — can somebody check him out?’” said Cali Haas, 20, of Sheboygan, who was in the crowd. “It left everyone just so confused, like, ‘Is this a joke, part of the show?’”

Cali Haas knows how Michelle Branch shows go. Some wacky and wild things transpire. When Michelle says “Hey, is that my stalker?” sometimes it’s just an intro to that one song she sings called “I would walk a 1000 miles (way more than the 500 that other band would walk).” Sometimes jokes happen too (at a Michie Branch concerto). Like one time Michelle feigned a heart attack. That CRACKED up the audience. That reminds me, I need to go to ticketmaster and see if all of her shows have sold the full allotment of 700 tickets yet.

“He’s been to her last several shows, but it caught her completely off-guard that he was in Sheboygan,” said Lt. Jeff Johnston of the Sheboygan Police.

It caught me off-guard too. Really I would be stunned anyone went to Sheboygan for anything at all (besides bratwurst). This whole thing is kind of sad. Sad that a guy stalks at all, sad that he heads Wisconsin to do it.

Hey fella, just let Michelle play her county fairs in peace.

PS – I actually really like Branch. She plays the piano which is good. She’s cute too. I’m just a hateful person who occasionally lashes out at people I like. Watch out drug dealers!