Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Melissa Joan Hart

Awkward. Melissa Joan Hart Can’t Raise Enough Money For A Movie

melissa joan hart 2013

Melissa Joan Hart, our beloved Sabrina the teenaged witch and Clarissa, of explaining it all, shut down her kickstarter campaign due to disappointing funds. Very. Sadly she couldn’t raise enough money to back her own film, unlike that dickbag Zach Braff or the awesome cast of Veronica Mars. Even more awkwardly, the title of her hopeful film was called Darci’s Walk of Shame. More from The Huffington Post:

Hart’s crowdfunding effort hoped to raise $2 million for the project, but after about a month it had collected only $51,605 from a measly 315 supporters. The synopsis for “Darci” describes it as the story of what happens after “an impulsive act has Darci face enormous hurdles to get back to her sister’s wedding and avoid her family witness her first walk of shame.”

Hart must have known the project was a bit of a gamble, as her personal message to donors asked them “to do what Hollywood won’t, and that is to take a chance on me as the lead of a romantic comedy film.” The actress called the movie a “leap of faith” and promised it would remain similar to the same comedy she’s served up in “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch,” “Clarissa Explains It All,” the 1999 rom-com “Drive Me Crazy” and her current ABC Family series “Melissa & Joey,” which will return for a third season May 29.

The goal of the campaign, Hart said, was to help her land her first leading role since “Drive Me Crazy.”

This is my biggest fear if I ever did crowdfunding. This and inviting people to my wedding and seeing no one show up.

I guess people aren’t super into MJH anymore, even though she has a currently has a show on TV (Melissa & Joey) that seems to be doing well for being on ABC Family. Perhaps it has to do with some remarks she said a few years ago.

The Atlantic has some info on what she was offering and what she was looking for:

all she’s asking for is $2,000,000 in the next 43 days. Yes. $2,000,000. Seems… modest. And what are some of the prizes that you’ll receive should you donate? Oh, y’know, for $300 or more MJH will follow you on Twitter for an entire year! (This was offered by Kristen Bell and crew too.) For $5,000 or more? You get a costume worn by MJH in the movie. Meaning for $5,000 you get a low-budget movie starring Melissa Joan Hart and some old clothes. Terrific.

Oh man it’s just so awkward.

Would YOU be interested in seeing a feature film starring Melissa Joan Hart?

Flashback: Teen People, November 1998

Photo: Cover of Teen People, November 1998

You guys! I’d totally forgotten about this, but I had a subscription to Teen People when I was in high school. I only kept one issue. Just one. But! It’s the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards issue! That means we can point and gawk at some of the dumb crap our favorite stars were wearing in the late 90s.

Here’s a look at the November 1998 issue:

I included a profile of “new talent” Paul Walker (check the gallery!), who will be appearing in upcoming movies like Pleasantville, Varsity Blues, and Brokedown Palace.

I especially recommend the photo spread titled “Hair Watch,” which focuses on bleached spiky 90s hair, as sported by the likes of Mark McGrath, David Boreanaz, and Seth Green. However, it’s the ladies—Sarah Jessica Parker and Jamie Pressly among them—who take the cake for dumbest 90s ‘dos.

I also included a scan of “Star Tracks” because A) I had completely forgotten about Jonny Lang, and B) how the hell does Lukas Haas know Vincent Gallo? I am not too sure Vincent Gallo belongs in a teen magazine.

Under “Star Woes: Their Most Embarrassing Moments,” Kirsten Dunst says:

I’m really proud of going on Jeopardy! and winning $10,000 for charity. But I was so embarrassed because I couldn’t get my buzzer to work right. Now people [who were watching the broadcast must] think that I’m the biggest ditz. I only answered like five questions.

I finally watched Kirsten’s heinous Jeopardy performance on YouTube sometime last year, and she’s right: I thought she was the biggest ditz.

From the article “Getting ‘N Sync”:

Five good-looking guys from Florida form a singing group, make it big overseas and then bring their catchy pop songs back home, where they instantly captivate the American teen market.

Hmmmm. Does this tune sound a little familiar? Yes and no. It’s true that, on the surface, ‘N Sync’s story certainly reads like Backstreet Boys: The Sequel. They have the same manager (Johnny Wright, also of New Kids on the Block fame), the same home base (Orlando) and the same secret weapon (a sexy blond—the baby of the band—guaranteed to melt the female masses). But spend a little time with the tight-knit quintet—James Lance Bass, 19; Joey Fatone Jr., 21; Chris Kirkpatrick, 26; Joshua “JC” Chasez, 22; and Justin Timberlake (the noted blond), 17—and you’ll find that they’re as different from Backstreet as Third Eye Blind is from Matchbox20.

Elsewhere, 98 Degrees is noted, but no mention of Nick Lachey anywhere. Another article, “Felicity Fever,” promises a too-in-depth look at “the set of the most talked-about new TV series.”

There is a centerfold of a movie poster for Meet Joe Black. I didn’t scan it, but I did scan the “Got Milk” ad starring Joshua Jackson.

Of course there are the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Mariah Carey, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston all get props, along with Jakob Dylan (remember him?!) and Aaliyah (sigh). I didn’t scan in the other two dudes because they are boring, but both Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith received accolades.

Also: holy God, Melissa Joan Hart can barely dress herself. Reese Witherspoon, however, always dressed with the trends and still managed to look cute.

Also: UGH. I really thought this was a fun idea—until I was actually scanning everything in, that is. I encountered some truly gnarly technical difficulties with the Kodak ESP 9250, so I hope you appreciate what I do for you.

Is THIS What You’ve Been Reduced To, Clarissa?!

Melissa Joan Hart, why are you giving me such an awful case of the sads?

The former Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina The Teenage Witch actress had a gig in New York the other day promoting National Breakfast Day. As you flip through the gallery below and see photo after photo of Melissa posing with Snap, Crackle and Pop and high-fiving kids as they chow down on various Kellogg’s cereals, try and think about what must have gone wrong in this woman’s career for her to be reduced to this kind of embarrassing promotional appearance. Do any of these kids even know who she is? Do they even rerun Sabrina anymore? These munchkins are probably looking at her like, “Yeah, this cereal is great, but who the fuck are you?”

It seems like being a former child star can only result in two things: Being a total wreck or a complete nobody.