Want to know why Megan Fox is one of my latest favorite ladies? Because that stupid Marilyn Monroe tattoo is getting fainter and fainter as the days go by. Seriously. It’s practically almost gone. Plus, she looks so hot these days. The Botox is all but gone and her hip bones are no longer protruding like she’s trying to use them as weapons to recreate some kind of weird Tomb Raider vibe.

All good news for Megan Fox and her fans, right? Well, no, not so much. Turns out that role she was going for against Lindsay Lohan – you know, the Elizabeth Taylor Lifetime movie role? Sources are saying it went to Lindsay because there’s apparently a market for blowjobs guaranteed with STDs for whatever reason. From Access Hollywood:

Lindsay Lohan has more than just her upcoming hosting gig on “Saturday Night Live” to celebrate – she’s scored the role of Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime TV movie, “Liz and Dick,” a source tells Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush.

But, there is one legal-related caveat: Lindsay needs to stay on the right side of court.

According to the source, if Lohan continues to stick to the judge’s orders, as she has been doing, she will be playing the “Cleopatra” beauty in the Lifetime made-for-TV film about the late actress.

TMZ also has a story that Lindsay’s taking this role appointment very seriously, and would probably chew off her own arm if it meant keeping the role and getting whatever Lifetime movie awards that might happen to exist somewhere out there on the D-list:

Lindsay is telling friends, she’s taking her new gig extremely seriously — “obsessing over getting the part right” for the film.

According to sources, Lindsay is doing nothing but watching old Liz Taylor movies to help her recreate the Hollywood icon’s posture, speech, and every other little detail.

We’re told Lindsay has also been watching old Liz interviews online and reading a bunch of Liz biographies.

Oh … My God! What went wrong, Megs? You’ve got the look, the acting chops (for a Lifetime movie, anyway), and the lack of cracked-out behavioral history. How did Lindsay manage to get her scruffy little hands on a part that you so deserved?

I’m baffled, friends. And I’m sure Megan is, too, just judging by the vacant ‘What the f-ck just happened’ look on her face in most of the gallery photos. Check them out, and do yourself a favor – cheer up. It’s still Megan Fox in a bikini, after all.

No, it’s actually kind of cute, really, if you can get past the fact that Megan doesn’t want anything to do with non-English-speaking men.

The commercial is for CCAA, which is a Brazilian-based language school that is trying to implement a country-wide campaign to push for a universal education of the English language. In short, two young men are shipwrecked (plane-wrecked?) on “Megan Fox Island,” and upon finding out that the men aren’t bilingual, Megan captures them in a net and ships them off to – you guessed it – “Mike Tyson Island.”

I’ll admit, the island names aren’t really all that creative, and the idea of being turned off because someone speaks a different language is kind of questionable, but you can’t deny that Megan Fox is still so, so hot, and Mike Tyson, though he only speaks five words, can deliver his lines and be funny at the same time.

What else has Megan Fox been up to, though, you ask? Well … this commercial here, this is pretty much it. And the only thing she’s really got on the horizon is that possibility of yanking Lindsay Lohan‘s Liz Taylor role in that Lifetime movie that’s supposed to be made.

Megan also recently visited Turkey to film a Doritos commercial (!), and did a few amusing interviews, one of which where she admitted to not knowing that Istanbul is not some small town in Turkey. Mind the translation, as the interview excerpt came from a Turkish newspaper:

SABA TÜMER: Hi Megan, how are you? It’s your first time in Turkey, you just arrived yesterday? What did you know about Turkey prior to your visit? What did you expected and what have you seen so far here?

MEGAN FOX: I knew a few things about Turkey. Like you have the most ancient temple on earth … and it is not far from where we are right now.

SABA TÜMER: And you made this research before or after the offer for the [Doritos] ad was made?

MEGAN FOX: I knew this already, because I’ve watched a show called ”Ancient Aliens”. It sounds silly, but it is about ancient temples and pyramids. I watched the special episode about this temple. I can’t pronounce it correctly right now, but it is a ‘Göbekli Tepe’.

(more…)

Guys, there is an evil, evil part within me that actually rejoices when I reread this line. “Megan Fox might steal Lindsay Lohan’s Liz Taylor Role”? Come on. Tell me that’s not almost comedic gold. Coming from where Lindsay Lohan used to be and comparing it to what success Megan’s had to date? OMG. I’m dying here. From E!:

It appears Lindsay Lohan isn’t the only starlet in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor.

Although the Mean Girls star confirmed she is still up for the role in the buzz-worthy biopic to E! News Sunday night at the Weinstein Company Golden Globes after party, we’ve learned Lohan has some competition by way of Megan Fox.

“I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversations with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” Larry Thompson, the executive producer of Lifetime’s Liz and Dick, told E! News exclusively.

Thompson declined to elaborate further on specifics of the negotiations, but added that being in talks with more than one actress is not meant as an affront to the talent involved, but rather is simply de rigueur for projects of this nature.

“It’s a very serious selection,” Thompson continued. “It’s like casting for Hollywood royalty.”

And speaking of serious, a source tells E! News that while Lohan is still one of the frontrunners for the role, her probation status is “a complication.”

In case you weren’t aware, Lindsay was “pretty much” set to be cast as Liz Taylor in a … ahem, Lifetime movie biopic of the late actress. You heard that right – Lifetime.

Anyway, back to Megs and Linds. Nuts, right? This business is straight outta Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, but the two ladies involved are well beyond high school age. But hey. Maybe it’s all supposed to happen this way. Maybe some things just aren’t meant to be. You know, things like self-replication or time travel to dimensions in other galaxies. Or, duh, better example!: Like a Lindsay Lohan film resurrection. I honestly think it’s safe to say that that particular ship has sailed, powered by the main driving force of burning meth and methane gas via Red Bull and vodka flatulence.

Sources say that a decision’s going to made by early next week. Won’t you be waiting with bated breath ’til then? Jeez, I know I will; can you just imagine how Lindsay’s going to be coping over the next few days? And why do I feel like it’s going to go down like it did in Mommie Dearest, where Faye Dunaway screams “BOX OFFICE POISON?!” and then goes and hacks down half of her rose garden with scary pruning shears in outrageous anger?

I remember back when I was in high school, it was, like, a cardinal sin to wear black and brown together. Do you guys remember that? And your purse always, always had to match your shoes? Your belt, too? That was so stupid, wasn’t it. The hell we went through to be in fashion during a time that ultimately didn’t mean squadoosh. Plus, I always loved the black-on-brown look. I thought it was classy. Not like that time in elementary school that my mom tried to send me to school wearing a pink sweatshirt with red corduroys. Jesus. Fashion fail, mom – fashion fail.

To, like, act. On stage. In a play, I’m assuming, since it’s not a common theme for Broadway theaters to promote crappy independent films that go straight to DVD. According to OTRC:

Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut in November, starring alongside a slew of Hollywood celebrities in a production of the hit “24 Hour Plays” project.

The annual fundraiser, produced by the 24 Hour Company and Freestyle Picture Company for Urban Arts Partnership, sees 24 stars teaming up with six writers, six directors, two musical guests and a production staff to produce six plays. A day later, the actors perform them before an audience.

Fox, 25, joins the likes of Sarah Silverman, “Precious” star Gabourey Sidibe, Tracy Morgan and Jack McBrayer of “30 Rock” and “Social Network” actor Jesse Eisenberg, whose participation in the play will also mark their own Broadway debut.

So, OK. Whew. It’s not exactly a real thing, and it’s not too much to even mention, so how about we change the subject, huh? How about we talk about how sweet and chubby Megan’s face has gotten lately, and how much I totally bet it’s due to facial fillers and not all the “weight” that she’s put on recently. I know she’s bending over backwards trying to gain sympathy and admiration from those with an actual body fat percentage, but faking it just isn’t the way.

What’s the verdict?

You want to know what’s totally butt-ugly? Do you? It’s those awful shoes Megan‘s wearing. I mean, they’re just terrible, right? Megan’s been looking completely awesome as of late, what with laying off the Botox (her natural facial expressions are SO PRETTY!) and actually consuming some pasta and bread and maybe even some bacon, but the shoes?

Please, girl. Let what you’ve got going on from the ankles up speak for itself. The only thing you’re doing by wearing those damn things is distracting us from the beautiful, natural evolution that’s going on with your face and body.