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Mariah Carey

It’s Official: Mariah Carey Will Be on American Idol

A photo of Mariah Carey

In the greatest news since the invention of news, Mariah Carey is officially the newest American Idol judge. We discussed this over the weekend, and I honestly thought that it would never happen, that the rumor that Mariah was close to signing a contract was just meant to get some buzz going about the show, but thankfully, I was wrong.

The announcement was made at the Television Critics Association summer press tour, and Mariah called in because the contract had been finalized just hours before. Here’s what she had to say:

“I am so excited to be joining Idol. First of all, I wanted to be there today and I wish I could’ve been there to tell you, but I think you know this all kind of just happened real quickly, so I can’t wait to get started in a couple months.”

Yes. Just yes.

Mariah Carey And Her Cameltoe Are Coming to American Idol

A photo of Mariah Carey

Guys, LOL, hey guys! Remember these pictures of Mariah Carey and her labia? LOL!

But anyway, you know how Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler just quit their judging jobs on American Idol? And remember how X-Factor landed Britney f-cking Spears for their new panel of judges? Well, now that I’ve jogged your memory, it’s pretty obvious to see why American Idol needs to step up their game and hire a massively famous new judge pretty soon, right?

From MTV:

Mariah Carey’s songs might officially be off-limits on “American Idol”: The diva is reportedly finalizing her contract to become a judge on the singing competition.

According to Deadline, if Carey’s deal goes through, she will earn more than $17 million for one season — eclipsing Britney Spears’ reported $15 million paycheck for “X Factor.”

After last week’s “Idol” judging shakeup, which saw Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler head for the exits after two years on the job, Carey was one of the first names rumored to be in the running. The superstar’s hubby, Nick Cannon, wasn’t sure at the time whether “Idol” had deep enough pockets. “I don’t know if they can afford Mariah Carey,” Cannon told TMZ on Sunday. “That’s a lot of money.”

Well, looks like “Idol” might have come through. This isn’t the first time Mimi has been rumored as the next “Idol” judge. In 2010, the songstress was reportedly considered for the 10th season after the show originally passed on J.Lo.

If Carey is officially onboard, one big question remains: Who will sit next to her? There’s been no word so far about whether lone remaining judge Randy Jackson will stick around for season 12, but Us Weekly reported last week that he is considering a lateral move from judge to mentor on the show.

While everyone from Nicki Minaj to Katy Perry has been proposed as Carey’s possible seatmates, one person has thrown her own name in the ring: Aretha Franklin. In an email to CNN, the 70-year-old Queen of Soul expressed some R-E-S-P-E-C-T for “Idol,” saying she’d like to come onboard for the 12th season. And according to the news outlet, she wouldn’t want to come alone, suggesting Patti LaBelle join her and “Idol” vet Jackson.

Man, between that Scientology channel and this, I’m going to have to get cable real soon. Do you remember how crazy Mariah was on QVC? She’d be an unstoppable train of fabulousness and insanity on something as big as Idol then, wouldn’t she?

Seriously, just think: Mariah Carey, Aretha Franklin, and Patti LaBelle. Why hasn’t this already been confirmed? Actually, why hasn’t this happened years ago?

Mariah Carey Has Some Pretty Fancy Cameltoe, Guys

photo of mariah carey pictures cameltoe pics
I guess it’s a good day for Mariah Carey when we’re talking about her on Evil Beet, even if it is because she’s showing off one of the most impressive cameltoes I’ve seen in this life.

I mean, we could be talking about your persistent divorce rumors, how fabulous you look, or how great your music is, but girl, the cameltoe beats all. I’m not joking. It is, by far, the most important thing you’ve done in a decade (aside from dem babies—they’re pretty good, too).

Anyway, if you lurve Mariah and you’re not here to talk about her MASSIVE CAMELTOE, then here’s a topic of discussion for you. She and husband Nick Cannon just renewed their wedding vows! Isn’t that special? And after only four years, too, can you believe it?

From CBS:

Spokeswoman Cindi Berger told the Associated Press that Carey, 42, and Cannon, 31, marked the occasion with an “intimate ceremony after a romantic dinner at the beautiful Jules Verne restaurant” just after midnight local time.

Photos show the singer wearing a white, form-fitting mermaid gown with a black bow at the waist, while her husband donned a white tuxedo and black bowtie.

The couple also took time during the Paris trip to shop for their nearly-1-year-old twins.

Now, first of all, does it not seem like these two have been married way longer than four years? I mean, Mariah’s at least sixty, which makes him forty-five at best, so that means they *must* have been married for at least two decades, right? Their kids are, what, headed toward twenty by now? No? Dem babies are only a year old? Nick’s only thirty-one? Mariah’s … still thirty-one (ha! No, she’s forty-two, but nice try)? My oh my how the time does go by.

Congratulations, you two, and may you celebrate—at the very least!—another four years of wedded bliss. Preferably in another four years, no trickin’ me again.

Divorce Watch: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon?

A photo of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon

Remember when Nick Cannon was dealing with all those health issues, and then he said that he had “like a lupus type of thing”? Well, it turns out that he actually does have lupus. He’s been dealing with lupus nephritis, which, as far as I can tell, is a complication of, um, regular lupus, and it affects the kidneys, natch. Obviously, I don’t know a whole lot about it, but it sounds pretty serious, and it probably means that Nick needs to slow down a bit and take some time to attend to his health, which is sounds like he’s trying to do.

You know what else it probably means? It probably means that Mariah Carey needs to be supportive and caring and, you know, not threaten to leave him:

The rumor mill is on overdrive, and it’s saying that Mariah Carey is threatening her husband Nick Cannon with divorce if he doesn’t slow down and take time to focus on his health.

Nick has been hospitalized multiple times this year due to lupus nephritis, a rare form of lupus that attacks the kidneys

Mimi is so concerned over Nick’s condition that we hear she is threatening to leave Nick and take their twins Moroccan and Monroe with her!

“He thinks Mariah is overreacting and blowing everything out of proportion,” revealed an insider. “Besides that, Nick is insecure about living in Mariah’s shadow, and if he quit work altogether he feels like he’d have no identity of his own.

Nick has tried to comply and quit his “CBS Radio” show, but he’s refusing to give up other work commitments, including hosting “America’s Got Talent” and his weekly “Cannon’s Countdown” syndicated radio program.

“He hates being known as Mr. Mariah Carey.” Said the source: “Nick’s work is his passion, but he doesn’t want to lose his wife and his kids — or his life!”

I can’t tell if I think this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard or not. On one hand, I think Mariah truly loves Nick so, so much, and I really don’t ever see these two splitting up. On the other hand, I could maybe see that all these health problems are seriously scaring Mariah, and that she would be up for trying absolutely anything to get Nick to just slow down and focus on his health. Either way, I’m going to go ahead and say that these two are in it for the long haul. This rumor could be true, but nothing is going to come of it.

What do you guys think about it?

Flashback: Teen People, November 1998

Photo: Cover of Teen People, November 1998

You guys! I’d totally forgotten about this, but I had a subscription to Teen People when I was in high school. I only kept one issue. Just one. But! It’s the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards issue! That means we can point and gawk at some of the dumb crap our favorite stars were wearing in the late 90s.

Here’s a look at the November 1998 issue:

I included a profile of “new talent” Paul Walker (check the gallery!), who will be appearing in upcoming movies like Pleasantville, Varsity Blues, and Brokedown Palace.

I especially recommend the photo spread titled “Hair Watch,” which focuses on bleached spiky 90s hair, as sported by the likes of Mark McGrath, David Boreanaz, and Seth Green. However, it’s the ladies—Sarah Jessica Parker and Jamie Pressly among them—who take the cake for dumbest 90s ‘dos.

I also included a scan of “Star Tracks” because A) I had completely forgotten about Jonny Lang, and B) how the hell does Lukas Haas know Vincent Gallo? I am not too sure Vincent Gallo belongs in a teen magazine.

Under “Star Woes: Their Most Embarrassing Moments,” Kirsten Dunst says:

I’m really proud of going on Jeopardy! and winning $10,000 for charity. But I was so embarrassed because I couldn’t get my buzzer to work right. Now people [who were watching the broadcast must] think that I’m the biggest ditz. I only answered like five questions.

I finally watched Kirsten’s heinous Jeopardy performance on YouTube sometime last year, and she’s right: I thought she was the biggest ditz.

From the article “Getting ‘N Sync”:

Five good-looking guys from Florida form a singing group, make it big overseas and then bring their catchy pop songs back home, where they instantly captivate the American teen market.

Hmmmm. Does this tune sound a little familiar? Yes and no. It’s true that, on the surface, ‘N Sync’s story certainly reads like Backstreet Boys: The Sequel. They have the same manager (Johnny Wright, also of New Kids on the Block fame), the same home base (Orlando) and the same secret weapon (a sexy blond—the baby of the band—guaranteed to melt the female masses). But spend a little time with the tight-knit quintet—James Lance Bass, 19; Joey Fatone Jr., 21; Chris Kirkpatrick, 26; Joshua “JC” Chasez, 22; and Justin Timberlake (the noted blond), 17—and you’ll find that they’re as different from Backstreet as Third Eye Blind is from Matchbox20.

Elsewhere, 98 Degrees is noted, but no mention of Nick Lachey anywhere. Another article, “Felicity Fever,” promises a too-in-depth look at “the set of the most talked-about new TV series.”

There is a centerfold of a movie poster for Meet Joe Black. I didn’t scan it, but I did scan the “Got Milk” ad starring Joshua Jackson.

Of course there are the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Mariah Carey, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston all get props, along with Jakob Dylan (remember him?!) and Aaliyah (sigh). I didn’t scan in the other two dudes because they are boring, but both Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith received accolades.

Also: holy God, Melissa Joan Hart can barely dress herself. Reese Witherspoon, however, always dressed with the trends and still managed to look cute.

Also: UGH. I really thought this was a fun idea—until I was actually scanning everything in, that is. I encountered some truly gnarly technical difficulties with the Kodak ESP 9250, so I hope you appreciate what I do for you.

5 Best Transformations of 2011

photo of lindsay lohan before and after drugs pics
Yesterday we did the Top 5 Douchebags of 2011, so I thought it only fair to give credit where credit is due (even if the aforementioned “credit” is only on temporary loan, like most credit is and then the person in slot #2 shoots back to complete grossness, and not just partial) and acknowledge those celebrities who have done some good for themselves, yes?

#5 – Evan Rachel Wood
photo of evan rachel wood picture photos before and after pic
Amazing what not sleeping next to Marilyn Manson can do for a girl, huh? She’s almost attractive these days, if you can forget that she posed naked and bloodied while eating cake. And participating in sodomy.

#4 – Mariah Carey
photo of mariah carey pictures before and after photo
A lot of people thought that Mariah’s figure, at almost forty-two years old, was all but gone, and after having twins, most said that was the nail in the coffin. She sure showed them, mmhmm girl.

#3 – Jennifer Hudson
photo of jennifer hudson before and after pics
Unbelievable, right? Now if she can stop losing weight for five minutes, things might continue to be OK. Girlfriend doesn’t have another ounce to lose.

Jump in to see the top 2 transformations of 2011!

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Love It or Leave It: Mariah Carey’s Confusing the Holidays Again

photo of mariah carey pictures christmas 2011 photos jedi knight coat pics
Girl, it’s not Halloween – it’s Christmas. You know, the Christmas that you and another little shithead ruined for me. Anyway, why are you dressed up like a Jedi knight? Am I going to see you whip out a silver hand? Have you gone to the dark side? Are you channeling Yoda?

All I know is that, while, yes, you look completely amazing and I’m still having a hard time remembering that you birthed two kids at once and blew up like a zeppelin in the process, the weird samurai winter coat’s gotta go.

Images courtesy of Celebuzz