I guess it’s a good day for Mariah Carey when we’re talking about her on Evil Beet, even if it is because she’s showing off one of the most impressive cameltoes I’ve seen in this life.
I mean, we could be talking about your persistent divorce rumors, how fabulous you look, or how great your music is, but girl, the cameltoe beats all. I’m not joking. It is, by far, the most important thing you’ve done in a decade (aside from dem babies—they’re pretty good, too).
Anyway, if you lurve Mariah and you’re not here to talk about her MASSIVE CAMELTOE, then here’s a topic of discussion for you. She and husband Nick Cannon just renewed their wedding vows! Isn’t that special? And after only four years, too, can you believe it?
Spokeswoman Cindi Berger told the Associated Press that Carey, 42, and Cannon, 31, marked the occasion with an “intimate ceremony after a romantic dinner at the beautiful Jules Verne restaurant” just after midnight local time.
Photos show the singer wearing a white, form-fitting mermaid gown with a black bow at the waist, while her husband donned a white tuxedo and black bowtie.
The couple also took time during the Paris trip to shop for their nearly-1-year-old twins.
Now, first of all, does it not seem like these two have been married way longer than four years? I mean, Mariah’s at least sixty, which makes him forty-five at best, so that means they *must* have been married for at least two decades, right? Their kids are, what, headed toward twenty by now? No? Dem babies are only a year old? Nick’s only thirty-one? Mariah’s … still thirty-one (ha! No, she’s forty-two, but nice try)? My oh my how the time does go by.
Congratulations, you two, and may you celebrate—at the very least!—another four years of wedded bliss. Preferably in another four years, no trickin’ me again.
April 30, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Sarah
Remember when Nick Cannon was dealing with all those health issues, and then he said that he had “like a lupus type of thing”? Well, it turns out that he actually does have lupus. He’s been dealing with lupus nephritis, which, as far as I can tell, is a complication of, um, regular lupus, and it affects the kidneys, natch. Obviously, I don’t know a whole lot about it, but it sounds pretty serious, and it probably means that Nick needs to slow down a bit and take some time to attend to his health, which is sounds like he’s trying to do.
The rumor mill is on overdrive, and it’s saying that Mariah Carey is threatening her husband Nick Cannon with divorce if he doesn’t slow down and take time to focus on his health.
Nick has been hospitalized multiple times this year due to lupus nephritis, a rare form of lupus that attacks the kidneys
Mimi is so concerned over Nick’s condition that we hear she is threatening to leave Nick and take their twins Moroccan and Monroe with her!
“He thinks Mariah is overreacting and blowing everything out of proportion,” revealed an insider. “Besides that, Nick is insecure about living in Mariah’s shadow, and if he quit work altogether he feels like he’d have no identity of his own.
Nick has tried to comply and quit his “CBS Radio” show, but he’s refusing to give up other work commitments, including hosting “America’s Got Talent” and his weekly “Cannon’s Countdown” syndicated radio program.
“He hates being known as Mr. Mariah Carey.” Said the source: “Nick’s work is his passion, but he doesn’t want to lose his wife and his kids — or his life!”
I can’t tell if I think this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard or not. On one hand, I think Mariah truly loves Nick so, so much, and I really don’t ever see these two splitting up. On the other hand, I could maybe see that all these health problems are seriously scaring Mariah, and that she would be up for trying absolutely anything to get Nick to just slow down and focus on his health. Either way, I’m going to go ahead and say that these two are in it for the long haul. This rumor could be true, but nothing is going to come of it.
What do you guys think about it?
March 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm by Emily
You guys! I’d totally forgotten about this, but I had a subscription to Teen People when I was in high school. I only kept one issue. Just one. But! It’s the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards issue! That means we can point and gawk at some of the dumb crap our favorite stars were wearing in the late 90s.
Here’s a look at the November 1998 issue:
I included a profile of “new talent” Paul Walker (check the gallery!), who will be appearing in upcoming movies like Pleasantville, Varsity Blues, and Brokedown Palace.
I especially recommend the photo spread titled “Hair Watch,” which focuses on bleached spiky 90s hair, as sported by the likes of Mark McGrath, David Boreanaz, and Seth Green. However, it’s the ladies—Sarah Jessica Parker and Jamie Pressly among them—who take the cake for dumbest 90s ‘dos.
I also included a scan of “Star Tracks” because A) I had completely forgotten about Jonny Lang, and B) how the hell does Lukas Haas know Vincent Gallo? I am not too sure Vincent Gallo belongs in a teen magazine.
Under “Star Woes: Their Most Embarrassing Moments,” Kirsten Dunst says:
I’m really proud of going on Jeopardy! and winning $10,000 for charity. But I was so embarrassed because I couldn’t get my buzzer to work right. Now people [who were watching the broadcast must] think that I’m the biggest ditz. I only answered like five questions.
I finally watched Kirsten’s heinous Jeopardy performance on YouTube sometime last year, and she’s right: I thought she was the biggest ditz.
From the article “Getting ‘N Sync”:
Five good-looking guys from Florida form a singing group, make it big overseas and then bring their catchy pop songs back home, where they instantly captivate the American teen market.
Hmmmm. Does this tune sound a little familiar? Yes and no. It’s true that, on the surface, ‘N Sync’s story certainly reads like Backstreet Boys: The Sequel. They have the same manager (Johnny Wright, also of New Kids on the Block fame), the same home base (Orlando) and the same secret weapon (a sexy blond—the baby of the band—guaranteed to melt the female masses). But spend a little time with the tight-knit quintet—James Lance Bass, 19; Joey Fatone Jr., 21; Chris Kirkpatrick, 26; Joshua “JC” Chasez, 22; and Justin Timberlake (the noted blond), 17—and you’ll find that they’re as different from Backstreet as Third Eye Blind is from Matchbox20.
Elsewhere, 98 Degrees is noted, but no mention of Nick Lachey anywhere. Another article, “Felicity Fever,” promises a too-in-depth look at “the set of the most talked-about new TV series.”
There is a centerfold of a movie poster for Meet Joe Black. I didn’t scan it, but I did scan the “Got Milk” ad starring Joshua Jackson.
Of course there are the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Mariah Carey, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston all get props, along with Jakob Dylan (remember him?!) and Aaliyah (sigh). I didn’t scan in the other two dudes because they are boring, but both Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith received accolades.
Also: holy God, Melissa Joan Hart can barely dress herself. Reese Witherspoon, however, always dressed with the trends and still managed to look cute.
Also: UGH. I really thought this was a fun idea—until I was actually scanning everything in, that is. I encountered some truly gnarly technical difficulties with the Kodak ESP 9250, so I hope you appreciate what I do for you.
January 10, 2012 at 11:30 am by Jenn
Yesterday we did the Top 5 Douchebags of 2011, so I thought it only fair to give credit where credit is due (even if the aforementioned “credit” is only on temporary loan, like most credit is
and then the person in slot #2 shoots back to complete grossness, and not just partial) and acknowledge those celebrities who have done some good for themselves, yes?
#5 – Evan Rachel Wood
Amazing what not sleeping next to Marilyn Manson can do for a girl, huh? She’s almost attractive these days, if you can forget that she posed naked and bloodied while eating cake. And participating in sodomy.
#4 – Mariah Carey
A lot of people thought that Mariah’s figure, at almost forty-two years old, was all but gone, and after having twins, most said that was the nail in the coffin. She sure showed them, mmhmm girl.
#3 – Jennifer Hudson
Unbelievable, right? Now if she can stop losing weight for five minutes, things might continue to be OK. Girlfriend doesn’t have another ounce to lose.
Jump in to see the top 2 transformations of 2011!
December 28, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Girl, it’s not Halloween – it’s Christmas. You know, the Christmas that you and another little shithead ruined for me. Anyway, why are you dressed up like a Jedi knight? Am I going to see you whip out a silver hand? Have you gone to the dark side? Are you channeling Yoda?
All I know is that, while, yes, you look completely amazing and I’m still having a hard time remembering that you birthed two kids at once and blew up like a zeppelin in the process, the weird samurai winter coat’s gotta go.
Images courtesy of Celebuzz
December 21, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah
See, now, if I close my eyes for the first few seconds, it’s not so bad. But then I hear that awful, whiny “Baby” voice, and I’m brought back to the reality of what’s seriously going on. Also, does Mariah Carey just not dance anymore? Is her majesty above having to move on the set of a music video? She’s just content to pick up a tibia and toss it behind her every now and again, is that what this is?
Finally, the whole thing just sounds so damned auto-tuned. It’s not even real. It’s a bad dream, and I’m going to wake up any minute now.
… Any minute now, right? OK?