Surprise, it’s Madonna! Yay! I hope nobody slips up and places some ugly flowers in her dressing room, LOL! Remember, because she has strong feelings about certain kinds of flowers. Oh, Madonna, what will you do next?!

Now, I don’t love Madonna or anything crazy like that (sorry I never jammed to “Material Girl” or whatever, but it doesn’t make me a bad person), but I’m sure her show will still be waaaaay better than last year’s. Remember that train wreck? That completely uncalled-for combination of the Black Eyed Peas, Usher, and Slash? I barely remember it, mostly because I only watched a tiny bit of it on YouTube after everyone who ever said words called it the most horrendous performance ever, but geez, right?

Are you psyched for Madonna’s upcoming performance? Will she be able to rock it? Is there anyone else who would have been better suited to do this show?

Um, ok. Great. Thanks. I didn’t want to look at you anyway. Bitch.

But yeah, word on the street is that no one can look at Madonna, or at least volunteers for the Toronto International Film Festival can’t look at her:

It was a bit of a different story backstage, however, when eight of those volunteers were asked to turn their faces to a wall so that they would not look at the pop-star-turned-movie-director as she made her way to her press conference about the film. One volunteer told the Globe they all dutifully stood with their backs to her as she passed.

You know, I bet if I was volunteering and I knew about Madonna’s current bitch tour, I’d turn my back to her just so I wouldn’t have to see her stupid face. Just because you wrote “Material Girl” doesn’t make you God.

Ha, ha! Just kidding! She isn’t sorry at all!

So one time, Madonna sat down with a bouquet of hydrangeas—to apologize to them, to stroke them affectionately, maybe to make them breakfast later.

“You have no idea how many nights I have lost,” Madonna mouths to the bouquet (it’s, uh, a silent movie), “thinking how I hurt you.” She coddles the hydrangeas a while longer, whispering sweet nothings into their delicate purple petals.

Suddenly, a twist! The music turns violent! So, you think Madonna is some kind of monster? Cast her as a villainess, will you? She’ll show you “monster”! A monster you want? A MONSTER YE SHALL RECEIVE! (That’s how I interpreted the music, anyway.) Madonna addresses the camera: “I still hate hydrangeas!” she pantomimes. “And I will always hate them!”

Madonna, in her best impersonation of “no wire hangers,” hurls the hydrangeas to the floor, cruelly tramples them, and storms off—visibly giggling.

She’s a cheeky little brat, isn’t she? Madge! Are you sure your publicist is doing his job?

No, no, don’t get up. Everything’s fine, Madge. Vitalii Sediuk, the self-described “Ukrainian TV person” you insulted, says he forgives you.

Boy, today sure has been weird.

Seriously, this might be the most ridiculous story I’ve heard all week. F*cking MADONNA and her ENTITLEMENT PROBLEM has seriously got my panties all up in a wad today. When I watched the video that Jenn posted the other day, I didn’t laugh. I saw all sorts of red. I was actually pretty appalled at how unbelievably rude Madonna was. And now? Her rep has released some kind of BS statement that’s got me even more fired up about this whole silly thing:

“She’s entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”

First, what the hell does that first sentence even mean? “She didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world”? There’s so many wrong things about that entire thing. But about liking any flower she wants, sure she’s entitled to that, just as everyone else is, too. But who the hell gets themselves so up in arms over flowers that they’re willing to show such pithy adversity to a gift? Hasn’t this woman ever heard the term “gracious”? No? Yeah, I suppose not.

Maybe she was being all angry and hormonal that day – I KNOW HOW THAT GOES – but it’s always best to try and avoid hurting others’ feelings despite how crazy we happen to feel on a given day, you know?

I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn’t know that.

—Madonna, in a clipped, cosmopolitan accent, referring to the fan who just handed her a big shrub of purple blossoms. We all can hear you, Madge. You’re sitting at a microphone, lady.

At first I thought this was “Ray of Light” -era Madonna, but I was tricked! Tricked! Instead, the video clip (below) is from day two of the Venice International Film Festival, where Madonna premiered her directorial effort, W.E.

And I can’t stop watching it! The clip is only seconds long, and it inspires an all-new fit of giggles every time.

Well, to be fair, Madonna was around 30 when her boyfriend was born, so it’s probably fair to lump him in with the same category as her children. Creepy thought, right? Then let’s go ahead and jump right on into Madonna’s bathroom habits:

Someone tell Madonna that boy toys come potty-trained! According to a friend, Madge won’t let her 29-years-younger lover Brahim Zaibat use her, ahem, throne.

“Madonna doesn’t even let her kids use her toilet,” a friend tells In Touch. “It’s just her thing. She is very generous, but this is the one thing she doesn’t want to share,” adds the pal, who explains that 53-year-old Madonna is very cautious when it comes to anyone else tinkling in her territory.

Apparently, she’s got no such fears of bed-wetting – because she’s more than happy to share her boudoir with the fetching French dancer!

Ok, I understand being weird about your bathroom.  It’s a private thing.  A couple months ago, my roommate started getting some pretty massive renovations done on the house, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the bathroom, feebly trying to keep the door shut, shouting “someone’s in here!” while a sweaty man tries to get some relief after a few hours of construction.  It’s not a good feeling, I know.  But still, I think there’s a pretty good distance between that and letting your cool children relieve themselves in your bathroom, don’t you?

Oh, Madonna. What will you think of next?!