I’m not going to lie: I definitely cracked a smile during this clip of LL Cool J beatboxing (with the, ah, help of Taylor Swift), but it wasn’t because I thought it was cute or endearing or anything like that, no sir. It was because sometimes, when bad things happen, like there’s a lot of tension in the room because someone (no names mentioned) ate the last six fish sticks without telling anyone else, or when, you know, someone accidentally sets themselves on fire and I have no other reaction because my natural response to a crisis is to laugh or smirk, it’s what I do.

I mean, that probably means that there’s something wrong with me, and that there are various emotional receptors broken in my soul and the parts that connect to my face, but it happens, and even if it’s insulting, it honestly means nothing. Nothing. No, when that last fish stick is all but in the toilet or the neighbor sets himself on fire again trying to make his annual firepit, it’s genuine discord I’m feeling. Discord. And I take no perverse joy or mirth in knowing that there’s no fish sticks left or that neighbor-man has to be admitted to the burn ward again because of that infection he’s just getting over from last year. No sirree. All I feel is sadness and concern, but because there’s something broken inside me, I kind of smile.

I think that’s the only explanation I have for my reaction to this video.

I don’t even know where to start.

So you know, LL Cool J, right? Okay, according to DiaryOfaHollywoodStreetKing.com, NYC transvestite hooker, Toni Newman, sold a story to the National Enquirer detailing his $500 sexual encounter with the rapper. LL picked up Toni on a street corner in NY’s 14th street red light district, and paid cash for the sexual services. To be crystal clear, Toni dresses like a woman, but definitely has a penis.

Before you think that this is just another made-up tabloid story, know that before the Enquirer bought the rights, they spent over three hours interviewing Toni and then paid for a polygraph test, which s/he passed with flying colors.

BUT! (We know how much Mr. Cool J loves a big ole butt,) We’re never going to get to read the story. Why? Because LL and his team had that ish shut down. He and his lawyers came to some sort of agreement where the Enquirer is no longer publishing it. Keep your eyes peeled for some juicy-yet-lesser story about LL’s past real soon. He must have had to agree to spill something in order to get them to keep quiet on a story this good.

Damn, things are not looking good for the Janet Jackson Rock Witchu tour.

LL Cool J has ditched out as the tour’s opening act, citing “scheduling conflicts.” It’s probably also related to the fact that Janet keeps canceling shows. She’s only got two left at this point, anyway.

What a total disaster.