I absolutely cannot abide 20-year olds who write memoirs because, unless your parents died and you are raising your little brother all by yourself or you made it all up, how am I to care?

But Bristol Palin has accounted for my ageist ire by titling her new autobiography Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. Ah! Bristol’s journey so far! I like how the title already leaves the door open to a sequel.

In her new book, Bristol treats us to certain revelations about her private life. For instance: she drunkenly lost her virginity to Levi Johnston during a camping trip. Yup.

Bristol couldn’t even remember the sexual encounter—she’d managed to black out on wine coolers—so I guess it’s a good thing she overheard Levi bragging to their friends later, or else she might have thought Tripp was immaculately conceived. (Levi Johnston’s reaction to news of their pregnancy: “Better be a fucking boy.” Nice.)

I like Bristol Palin (for now), and I like Dancing With The Stars, and I really, really like Kyle Massey and I hope it’s true they’re dating. And because I like Bristol so much right now, I am only too happy to have her confirm that Levi Johnston is a bloodsucking bug.

Also, I appreciate Bristol’s newfound sense of rebellion. She should keep trying to piss people off; it looks really good on her.

This bunk-ass, entirely too literal “thing” above is not a Photoshopped gag… This is actually the cover of Levi Johnston‘s upcoming book, Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs.

First of all, I don’t know how it’s even legal for him to title his book this. His implication is that she hunted him down, and with the Palin’s being less-than-thrilled about Levi as a person, he needs to be really careful about his language when referring to them. Like, boy’s gonna get sued.

Secondly, the title is unbelievably insensitive to Senator Gabby Giffords, who was actually shot in the head and nearly died at the hands of someone who was an alleged Palin supporter. The “crosshairs” reference is really inappropriate and gross. It makes him look as bad as Sarah’s original use of the word made her look.

Third, is homeboy positive that he wants an image of himself looking like a total dumbass on the front cover of his book? I know that we don’t “care” about this dude because of his brains and that nothing will make him look dumber than that Playgirl spread he did, but MAHGAWD, does this kid not have one friend who can say, “Maybe you want to use this book to turn your image around instead of perpetuating the ‘dumb jock’ stereotype?”

Woof. Have at it in the comments, kids.

“That makes no sense because someone always runs for President … [Sarah] wouldn’t go through with a campaign even if she was nominated.”

Levi Johnston in response to Sarah Palin’s latest rumored-Presidential-run comment along the lines that she’d – yup – run if there was no one else to do it.

Johnston also spoke directly to TMZ and claimed that his ex-girlfriend’s baby mama wasn’t qualified to be President of the United States, even if she was nominated, or worse, elected.

Honestly. Some people will go to great lengths to stay relevant even for another minute. And by ‘some people,’ I mean both Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin.

Just kidding, he doesn’t really discuss his platform.  Because he doesn’t have one.  Because he has no business being in any position that would require him to have a political platform.

If you’ll remember, Levi Johnston announced back in August that he was planning on running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, so the boy’s actually had two months to consider his political stances.  But really, regardless of how long he’s been planning on running for mayor, if a person announces that he plans on running for a political office, within a few seconds of that announcement, he should probably be able to state some ideas, just based on the fact that most people think about things.  For example, “I’m running for mayor and I hope to plant some trees,” or “I’m running for mayor and if elected, I plan on allocating roughly half the budget to preparing for the zombie apocalypse.”  Both of those things sound better than Levi’s response.

And if Levi’s response didn’t make him sound like enough of a dumbass child, one of the ladies of The View simply responded with “oh, Levi” in that special pitying tone.  It’s the same tone that my mother used when I was nine and decided that I wanted to use various soaps and perfumes and cleaning solutions to make my own perfume, and when it didn’t end up smelling too great, decided to instead test how flammable it was, and it’s definitely the same tone that she used when I drunk dialed her last year to let her know that I was going to go watch porn with this guy I just met right after I laid on the lawn and pretended to be in Fern Gully.  It’s the sad sort of resignation that’s only reserved for those situations when you really have nothing else to say to a person besides an “oh” followed by his name.

“Oh, Levi” indeed.

It looks like old buddy old pal Levi Johnston (the Levi Johnston who’s running for mayor of Wasilla, AK) might have a problem winning that whole pesky “popular vote” thing when it comes to his possible run for Wasilla mayor. And why? Probably because the entire state hates him, and that might not even be counting the citizens of Wasilla, who’s opinion kinda matters.

A poll was taken by Public Policy Polling and it shows that Johnston is the Most Unpopular Person in “politics” according to the people of Alaska. Who was the previous winner? None other than the philandering politician, John Edwards. That takes some seriously steel gonads to steal such a title from such a revered man, so little Levi must be taking this one to heart and running with it. Or from it, if he was actually somewhat smart, but I don’t think he’d understand that kind of credibility anyway — so I’m not gonna open that can of worms.

The good news? 6% of Alaskans view Johnston in a favorable light. So, for Levi’s sake, let’s hope that 6% is the entire population of Wasilla. I mean, stranger things have happened, right?

Jaysus.

Levi Johnston is even more clueless than we thought, guys. According to PopEater, the recently single again Levi was following Sandra Bullock around the Teen Choice Awards all night, thinking that he maybe had a chance to get with the also recently single actress. His behavior was so creepy that multiple people noticed, including Sandra herself.

An insider reported the deets:

“All night long Levi was trying to get close to Sandra. He desperately wanted to get his picture taken with Sandra hoping it would show up on the cover of a magazine or at least be able to meet her in person and give America’s sweetheart his phone number. Sandra was having none of it, telling everyone, ‘Get him away from me.’”

OK, that’s freakin’ humiliating. PopEater went on to say that after he finally clued in to how uncomfortable he was making Sandy, he gave up on her and tried to score pictures with other female celebs, all of whom refused. How strange that a bunch of actually famous people who have worked their whole lives in order to achieve their status don’t want to be associated with the deadbeat who knocked up one of the most hated politicians in America’s teenage daughter!

While Levi’s sole motivation seems to be keeping himself relevant, there’s also a hint of him wanting to hurt the mother of his child and her family in there, too. It’s easy to see why an immature 19 year old would want to get back at the family who put his name in the headlines (supposedly against his will, initially), his repeated attempts to hurt Bristol are such a turn off. It’s like he’s a miniature, talentless Mel Gibson. Or Spencer Pratt, part 2.