Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Levi Johnston

Levi Johnston and His New Wife or Whatever Threw Down on New Year’s Eve

photo of sunny and levi johnston pictures
From Radar Online:

Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, 22, and Sunny Oglesby, 20, reportedly came to blows after she downed some drinks and started physically attacking him.

“Sunny went completely insane … She had two martinis and then she just snapped, ranting and raving about Levi not thinking she was pretty enough. … She started biting, kicking and slapping him. Then she grabbed a knife and tried to stab him! Thank God Sunny’s mother and brother pulled it away from her as Levi ran off in terror. Finally, Levi’s father Keith was able to restrain her, but what Sunny really needed was a strait-jacket.”

Oh well isn’t this a nice, classy, down-home get together. Because yes, it is.

Let’s break it down for a second—the above photo, the one of Sunny and Levi. That one. It comes from Levi Johnston’s Facebook fan page (I know, OK? I know), and there are also other photos in various albums depicting what the Johnston/Oglesby home life is like, and let it be said that it includes a lot of guns. And a small child. And a small child around a lot of guns. I didn’t post those photos for obvious reasons, but the albums are public, so if you have a Facebook, you can check them out here.

In short? Even though the story’s original source was the National Enquirer, I believe it. In fact? I believe more and more of what the Enquirer‘s been publishing as the days go by. Unbelievable.

Levi Johnston Got Married, Too!

A photo of Levi Johnston

This is a disgrace, you guys, and for the record, I’m really disappointed in all of us. Yeah, a lot of things have happened this week already. And yeah, we’ve been focusing on other weddings for the past little bit. But in all the hubbub, we’ve neglected to congratulate Levi Johnston, baby daddy of Bristol Palin and member of the elite Douchebags of Alaska club, on his very own wedding.

Here’s a photo from the event, which took place on Sunday:

A photo of Levi Johnston

That’s Levi, his new wife, bless her heart, and their daughter, little Breeze Beretta. Levi’s other kid, Tripp Palin, wasn’t in attendance because even though Levi wanted him to be the ring bearer, Bristol was a big ol’ party pooper and refused to let Levi have custody for the weekend.

Oh, and just in case you couldn’t tell by the picture, Levi was wearing a camouflage vest and bow tie. You know, natch.

Levi Johnston Hates That His Kid is a Homophobe

photo of bristol palin tripp and levi johnston pictures
According to sources at TMZ, Levi’s gotten wind of just how bad a parent his ex-fiancee Bristol Palin is, and he’s hopping mad. But how mad is he? Well, he’s mad enough to drop posing in man-panties and impregnating other women and naming his offspring after a gun for five whole minutes, and he’s allegedly filing for primary custody of his and Bristol’s only son, Tripp.

If the case goes to family services, God only knows what kind of field day they’ll end up having. Bristol herself has admitted (ON REALITY TELEVISION) that she’s doing a horrible job parenting her son, and the idea of a child being raised via a reality TV series probably throws up all sorts of red flags as it were. In either case, things don’t look so good.

My opinion, however, is that neither of these idiots could parent a child to save their lives (let alone run their own lives as responsible “adults”), and that neither of these idiots should have the ability to procreate any more. What you’ve got here is two overgrown children who both figuratively and literally—respectively—live in their parents’ basements and who are playing tug-of-war over the only thing that’s really going to continue giving them any fame: the poor, exploited child who’s nothing more than a parrot for hateful speech and actions. Way to go, guys. You win at life.

But who knows. I’m not going to even say that Levi has the kid’s best interests at heart here, because honestly, this could all just be another elaborate plan hatched by Levi in order to get people talking about him once again. Maybe he doesn’t even care that his son says “faggot” or whatever and curse like a sailor. It’s probably that, you know?

God. These people kill me.

Levi Johnston Will Name His (Newest) Child Breeze Beretta

photo of sunny oglesby and levi johnston pictures
Because nothing says “I’m a big, tough Alaskan man” better than naming your kid after a gun. Or a really shitty car from the 80′s. See Exhibit A:

photo of beretta gun pictures levi johnston photo
And of course, Exhibit B:

photo of beretta car pics
No, it’s apparent that Alaska is famous not only for its oil and having LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian film their love movie there, but for its bevy of stupid names (Breeze Beretta Johnston … Track Palin … Piper Palin … Trig Palin … Tripp Johnston), too.

From the Huff Po:

Levi Johnston’s second child will be a girl named Breeze Beretta, his pregnant girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, told Inside Edition in an interview to air Wednesday. Beretta is the name of an Italian firearms manufacturer, and Oglesby confirmed that the child will be named after a gun.

She also talked about the accidental nature of the pregnancy.

“We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control,” she said.

Johnston told Inside Edition that he plans on doing things differently with Oglesby than he did with Bristol Palin, the mother of their son, Tripp.

“I’m actually in love…not doing it just because we had a kid together,” he said.

Bristol Palin has been vocal in criticizing Johnston for being an absent father. She recently told In Touch she is “upset” he is having another child already, and that she worries Tripp could be teased at school.

“I don’t want him to go to elementary school with 10 half-siblings,” she said. “That would really affect him.”

Yes, because going to school with half-siblings never happens. Jesus, Bristol, f-cking move, then, if you’re so worried that your son’s developmental milestones are going to be deeply shaken by the fact that maybe—just maybe—his daddy’s a skank.

As for you, Levi Johnston, you’re just weird, OK? YOU’RE WEIRD.

Finally, I have a personal story about a Beretta that I just can’t shake. See, one of my high school boyfriends drove a navy Beretta, and he was a really nice guy. And it goes to show, I was a heartless little shit back in high school, too, because one time? We were on our way out to meet some friends for lunch one weekend when I noticed that my already-anal-retentive boyfriend had a change organizer strapped to the driver’s side sun visor, and I immediately began laughing and poking fun at the fact that he was seventeen years old and rocked a change organizer on his visor like he was some sort of grandpa going on a road trip and needed easy access to his toll money. I wasn’t, you know, trying to be malicious or anything, but he actually pulled the car over on the side of a busy street (where there was no curb to pull over to), and he cried. Guys, I almost died. I didn’t know what to do. What the hell are you supposed to do with a seventeen-year-old boy who’s crying over a change organizer? We broke up shortly after that.

He’s an airline pilot today, and even though I haven’t seen him in over ten years, I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet to make in saying that I’d probably ask him if his plane has a change organizer on its sun visor.

You know, for all those tolls he probably has to pay.

Bristol Palin’s Autobiography: Levi Johnston Is a “Gnat”

Bristol Palin, April 29, 2011

I absolutely cannot abide 20-year olds who write memoirs because, unless your parents died and you are raising your little brother all by yourself or you made it all up, how am I to care?

But Bristol Palin has accounted for my ageist ire by titling her new autobiography Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. Ah! Bristol’s journey so far! I like how the title already leaves the door open to a sequel.

In her new book, Bristol treats us to certain revelations about her private life. For instance: she drunkenly lost her virginity to Levi Johnston during a camping trip. Yup.

Bristol couldn’t even remember the sexual encounter—she’d managed to black out on wine coolers—so I guess it’s a good thing she overheard Levi bragging to their friends later, or else she might have thought Tripp was immaculately conceived. (Levi Johnston’s reaction to news of their pregnancy: “Better be a fucking boy.” Nice.)

I like Bristol Palin (for now), and I like Dancing With The Stars, and I really, really like Kyle Massey and I hope it’s true they’re dating. And because I like Bristol so much right now, I am only too happy to have her confirm that Levi Johnston is a bloodsucking bug.

Also, I appreciate Bristol’s newfound sense of rebellion. She should keep trying to piss people off; it looks really good on her.

Yes, This is Actually The Cover of Levi Johnston’s Book

This bunk-ass, entirely too literal “thing” above is not a Photoshopped gag… This is actually the cover of Levi Johnston‘s upcoming book, Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs.

First of all, I don’t know how it’s even legal for him to title his book this. His implication is that she hunted him down, and with the Palin’s being less-than-thrilled about Levi as a person, he needs to be really careful about his language when referring to them. Like, boy’s gonna get sued.

Secondly, the title is unbelievably insensitive to Senator Gabby Giffords, who was actually shot in the head and nearly died at the hands of someone who was an alleged Palin supporter. The “crosshairs” reference is really inappropriate and gross. It makes him look as bad as Sarah’s original use of the word made her look.

Third, is homeboy positive that he wants an image of himself looking like a total dumbass on the front cover of his book? I know that we don’t “care” about this dude because of his brains and that nothing will make him look dumber than that Playgirl spread he did, but MAHGAWD, does this kid not have one friend who can say, “Maybe you want to use this book to turn your image around instead of perpetuating the ‘dumb jock’ stereotype?”

Woof. Have at it in the comments, kids.

Quotables: Why is Levi Johnston ‘Famous’ Again?

photo of levi johnston wearing green alaska t-shirt pictures

“That makes no sense because someone always runs for President … [Sarah] wouldn’t go through with a campaign even if she was nominated.”

Levi Johnston in response to Sarah Palin’s latest rumored-Presidential-run comment along the lines that she’d – yup – run if there was no one else to do it.

Johnston also spoke directly to TMZ and claimed that his ex-girlfriend’s baby mama wasn’t qualified to be President of the United States, even if she was nominated, or worse, elected.

Honestly. Some people will go to great lengths to stay relevant even for another minute. And by ‘some people,’ I mean both Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin.