2Music and Video to Slit Your Wrists To on This Fine Sunday

Ahem. By the numbers, now, shall we?

:32 (this is going to be a long one, guys). Already I want to kill myself. How am I going to make it through the remaining four-plus minutes? Pack it in and hold on folks.

:41. Good thing Kendall and Kylie Jenner have their MOM to teach them how to dance like little whores on a boat. These two have a long road of fun cut out for them, let me tell you.

:55. Who are the wannabe-Kardashians? And why would anyone WANT to be a Kardashian?

1:11. KIM. PUT YOUR ASS AWAY.

1:18. Scott Disick is officially an embarrassment to all white men ’round the world.

1:22. KIM. WE KNOW IT’S YOU. PUT YOUR ASS AWAY.

1:27. Weird Kardashian brother. Stop pretending that you don’t want to hump Kim’s ass, weird Kardashian brother.

1:33. MY EYES! I’M F-CKING BLIND! BLIND! BLIND!!!!!!!!

2:12. … Still recovering. And only Kim Kardashian would spray tan in the Dominican Republic.

2:27. Told you it was Kim’s ass.

2:40. “Have sex on rugs that’s Persian.” Let me guess: YOU’RE PERSIAN, KIM, AREN’T YOU.

3:15. One of those Jenner girls probably has skin cancer today.

3:16. … And Bruce Jenner was definitely about to slap her ass.

3:22. Wait. Where’s Khloe and Lamar?

3:56. Why can’t this ship just sink?

4:13. Wait. Kourtney’s water just broke? LIARS.

4:17. Kris Jenner is really classy spouting “motherf-cker” all over the place.

And that, guys? Is how you get shit done on a Sunday morning. Dear God.

June 3, 2012 at 8:00 am by Sarah

0Kourtney Kardashian is Buying from Jessica Simpson’s Maternity Line

I just lied to you—I don’t even think Jess’s maternity line is even out yet, so what must be happening here is that Kourtney raided Jessica’s maternity closet (what? She probably has one) and this was the first thing she could grab before being caught. It was dark. That’s the only explanation I have.

Here you see Kourtney Kardashian toting her first child, Mason, around while being all sorts of pregnant and wearing jumpsuits. One thing about this family is that they love ugly jumpsuits, for real. Granted, the color’s lovely (really lovely—one of my favorite colors) and despite being a virtual Hefty CinchSak, it actually is kind of flattering on the pregnant Kourtney’s bulbous belly, but it’s still ugly as sin. Ugly. As. Sin.

Luckily, we shouldn’t be subjected to these kind of bad decisions for much longer—rumor has it that Kourtney’s going to give birth any day, but she’s going to miss being pregnant. Kourtney recently Tweeted:

I love being pregnant! Such a magical and beautiful feeling. Feeling blessed!

Yes, magical and beautiful. So magical and so beautiful that girlfriend’s completely oblivious to everyone and everything around her—including ugly clothes. Oblivious.

May 24, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah

0Hooray, It’s Another Kardashian Lingerie Ad!

Aww, bless your hearts! It’s been over a month since we last showed you any new lingerie ads featuring those lovable Kardashians! I know you’ve been just sick over this, and I know that you can’t bring yourself to purchase a piece of lingerie or swimwear until you’ve seen it modeled on the body of a Kardashian woman. I’m truly sorry for this, and it will never happen again, if I can help it.

But instead of prolonging your heartache even more, let’s go ahead and discuss the photo, all right?

It’s pretty similar to the other ads in a couple of ways. Khloe, despite being covered up (again), is the first thing your eye, or at least my eye, goes to in the photo. She’s also the fiercest Kardashian, by far. Kim and her rack look way Photoshopped. And Kourtney, well … she’s there. I appreciate Kourtney and everything, but this just doesn’t seem like her thing.

And just because I feel bad that it’s been so long since you’ve seen one of these ads, I have an extra bit of Kardashian news for you: they’re not going anywhere! We already knew that they signed a contract for three more seasons, but last week, we pondered if people still cared about them. Guess what: they do! The premiere of the seventh season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which aired on Sunday, had nearly three million viewers, which was up 16% from the last season premiere. So yeah, their popularity is apparently on the rise. So drink that in for a moment.

Did you guys watch the show on Sunday? Are you going to make a purchase from the Kardashian Kollection? Are you still trying to boycott this family? Let’s talk about it!

May 23, 2012 at 6:30 am by Emily

1Do People Still Care About The Kardashians?

Sorry, but yes, people do still care about the Kardashians. A few weeks ago, we learned that the family signed on for three more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and with the stunts that Kris Jenner pulls, I don’t think they’ll have a problem with getting viewers. But here’s the good news: it looks like people are starting to care less about the Kardashians. And that’s something, right?

From the Huffington Post:

Over the years, the Kardashians have made a fortune selling almost every aspect of their lives — from baby pictures to wedding exclusives — to celebrity weekly magazines. The sisters have even posed in bikinis to make a little extra cash. But after their long and profitable run, it looks like interest in the family is starting to run out.

“No one wanted exclusive access to Kourtney’s baby shower,” the editor of a weekly magazine told me. “Kris [Jenner] tried to trick everyone, [saying] the shower was going to other magazines for $80,000 so everyone would bid higher. But it backfired on her and, in the end, she just gave the pictures to US Weekly for almost nothing.”

A spokesperson for US Weekly declined to comment on whether the magazine bought the images and, if so, how much they paid.

“The weekly magazine market is changing week by week,” another insider tells me. “There are so many reality stars willing to give stories away to get attention that selling access no longer is worth paying the big bucks.”

Still, celebrities are continuing to make money from selling their private photos.

Jessica Simpson recently sold her new baby girl’s pictures to People magazine for $800,000, but that figure pales in comparison to the record $14 million Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got for pictures of their twins back in 2008.

And although Kris didn’t get as much as she wanted for access to Kourtney’s baby shower, insiders tell me to expect momma Kardashian to attempt to sell images of Kourtney’s new baby when she arrives.

As further proof that people don’t care as much about these people as they used to, the most exciting thing I got out of that whole story was that we’re probably going to get to see pictures of Jessica Simpson‘s baby soon. How precious will those pictures be? Way more precious than pictures from Kourtney’s baby shower, to be honest.

May 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily

3Sorry About the Whole ‘Two Kardashian Posts in One Day’ Thing

Although I suppose we should be broadening the parameters to include week, month, year, and – oh! right – ever.

Let’s just do this one by the numbers, shall we?

At the :13 mark, I just love how Khloe almost biffs and heads down the steps. That are about two and a half inches in rise. Love you girl!

:27. Kris Jenner makes me want to punch small, furry animals in the face. Hard.

:30. Yup. Still wanting to punch small, furry animals in the face.

:35. Any particular reason we’ve had to endure so much of Kris Jenner’s f-cking geriatric shimmying? Anyone?

:47. OF COURSE Kim‘s main lyric is “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir.” You know what that means, people who don’t speak French? It means WILL YOU SLEEP WITH ME TONIGHT. Tramp.

1:04. My four-year-old just asked me why that lady was wiping her bum on the steps. I told her because she was a nasty, nasty lady.

1:10. What’s with the slo-mo hair whipping?

1:20. That’s as low as Kim can go? Doubt it.

1:28. Looks like an excerpt from Kim’s sex tape. Just with clothes and no F-list black man who’d later be partially responsible for the death of Whitney Houston.

Did I miss anything? Covered it all, did I?

April 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah

7Look, It’s Another Kardashian Ad!

It’s an ad for the new Kardashian Kollection swimwear collection, and unlike that lingerie ad, this one hasn’t been Photoshopped at all!

Oh goodness, you guys, I can’t keep that up all the way throughout this whole story: the Kardashians are Photoshopped. There, I said it. They’ve been ridiculously Photoshopped. Just look at Khloe and her torso. Do you see her waist? Or rather, her lack of one? I’m not calling her fat, because she’s not, I’m just saying that I’m pretty sure her waist measurement isn’t the same as an eight-year-old’s. But really, get a good look at her hand there: hand on hip, pretty normal pose, right? Except after the Photoshopping, she’s just got her fingers oddly placed on her waist, and what used to be her hip has been replaced with air. I’m not even going to start on Kourtney and Kim. The magic of editing, right?

Of course, all the Kardashian girls have already expressed their excitement over the photo. Kim did it by way of her blog, and Kourtney and Khloe went through their beloved Twitter, but here’s what they had to say:

Kim: ”We’re so proud of the swimwear collection and I think you guys are going to love it!! I’m wearing the blue ruffle bikini, which is one of my favorites!”

Kourtney: ”Ready for summer in my Kardashian Kollection bikini! What do you guys think?”

Khloe: “Love this new pic of me and my sisters rocking our Kardashian Kollection swimwear line!!!!  So ready for summer!!!!!”

What I want to know is how this whole thing happens at all. I know that excessive Photoshopping is pretty much the norm nowadays, but how does it work? Do the models see the pictures and go “oh my gosh, no, edit out the majority of my body,” or do photographers and editors sit the models down and let them know that they plan on editing out the majority of their bodies? Do the models just assume that once the photos actually get to where they’re going they’ll inevitably be Photoshopped beyong recognition? Are the models ever upset about it, do they worry that they’re not pretty enough already, or is it just part of the procedure now? And lastly and most importantly, does anyone really think that we won’t notice?

March 28, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Emily