If after the events of this past week it suddenly occurred to you that adopting a chimpanzee would be a magnificent idea then please for the love of all things holy tie your own tubes.

What do you think of Fergie’s look?  She looks like a wealthy socialite.  A ninety-year-old wealthy socialite. A ninety-year-old-wealthy socialite who doesn’t know better than to wear black Spanx under a white dress.

Fergie and her cute husband Josh Duhamel attended the Vanity Fair and Krug dinner last night in West Hollywood.  Paris was there.  Can someone please stage an intervention for her spine?  The girl can hardly stand at this point .  Kim Kardashian looked unrecognizable and Keyshia Cole let everyone know that her stylist was absent on the day the “less is more” class happened.

Can we broadcast this to every girl between the ages of 9 and 18?  Kim Kardashian yesterday in Miami Beach with no makeup on.  Without lashes and bronzer, Kim looks like she should be serving SuperMelts and Fribbles.  You know…average.

I like the dude in the background pushing up his sunglasses.  You know he thought someone was clamoring to take his pic.

KK assumed a natural for her pose as she blew out the sparklers on her cake.  Incidentally, apparently candles are passe now?  LAX Nightclub hosted her birthday party last night and served a cake with their name emblazoned across it and no mention of Kim’s anywhere.  I feel a little embarassed for her.  I feel a lot embarassed for her sister Khloe.  She has absolutely no business wearing that dress anywhere…  And before you get all hysterical, I don’t hate fat people.  I just hate this fat person’s horrible udgement.

I kind of love Shanna Moakler. She’s just no-holds-barred trashy. Girlfriend says what’s on her mind, no matter who’s listening. I guess she doesn’t have much left to lose at this point.

Anyway, Shanna and Kim Kardashian got into a little fight at one of Carmen Electra’s parties last weekend, and the kids over at TheDirty.com sat down to chat with Shanna about it. Here’s one of Shanna’s choice quotes:

I was at this bbq and I saw what I thought was a donkey posing on the stairs but much to my surprise, it was Kim Kardashian. No, wait, it was a donkey! She’s soooo f*cking fat! She’s 5′2″ and she’s like 140. She was wearing a sarong to cover her huge big ass! I like a nice ass but hers is not a nice ass! … I am far from a size zero but she made me feel Gisele (Bundchen) thin!

The whole interview is just pure genius. I’ve reprinted the whole thing after the jump. I strongly encourage you to read it.

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Remember these shots?

Kim. Sweetheart. You cannot pose for photos like this and then be all like “Why doesn’t the media appreciate me for my mind?”

Here’s Kim hosting some party in NYC.