Whoa, is Katy Perry turning into creepy Taylor Swift, whose estranged boyfriends are too afraid to dump her in person, so they opt for phone or email instead? Burn, I guess, because that’s what pretty much happened—John Mayer, sick of Katy Perry’s hard-partying ways, dumped girlfriend in an email. A source says, “He [John] dumped her [Katy] over email. She was furious and really hurt. She was into him, but he wasn’t feeling it.”
And I guess I’m not all that surprised. While, yeah, Katy Perry’s not one of my most favorite people in the world, John Mayer is even less so, and he would take the cheap way out and kick Katy to the curb through electronic mail.
However, can we back it up a second here and talk about how John Mayer supposedly dumped Katy Perry because of her partying habits? Because man. Katy must really be off the hook in a Lindsay Lohan kind of way if no one wants to get serious with her because she’s a wasted mess. Is Katy becoming the class drunk of Hollywood? You know, people pumping and dumping her because, yeah, she’s easy and she’s hot, but she’s no one to get settled with because really, who wants to clean up tears and vom every time they go out to a club or a bar? Or public, for that matter? I knew people like that in a different lifetime, and guess what—ten years later, they’re still alone and so, so desperately do not want to be.
Get a grip, Katy. Jeez.
Why John Mayer really dumped Katy Perry:
August 30, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah
1John Mayer’s Got Feathery Breakup Hair Because of Katy Perry and Robert Pattinson’s Moving in on That Sh-t
(Pattinson’s moving on on Katy, that is, not John Mayer‘s feathery breakup hair. You know. To be clear.)
And I’m sorry, but there’s just something so inherently douchey about guys who feather their hair. It was douchey in the seventies, and it’s douchey now, and John Mayer being the poster child for douchey behavior only encourages the “douchey” label to be slapped right on the “feathered hair” trend. DOUCHEY.
I guess John doesn’t have to worry all that much, though, anyway—even though Katy was rumored to be reeling from the shock of being dropped like a hot potato by someone with hands that look like potatoes, reports are saying that Katy and the newly-single Robert Pattinson (who are friends, by the way) will probably be getting it on soon. If they haven’t already, that is:
Last night the two were spotted on a romantic candlelit dinner for two, but rather spending it slagging off their exes Kristen Stewart and John Mayer, the attention was very much on Katy’s boobies. Nice. A source told The Sun: “She wore a tight, sparkly top and Rob was looking at her breasts all night. He tried to avoid it when talking to her but as soon as she looked away to talk to someone else, Rob would sneak a peek.”
Hm. So maybe that’s why Kristen’s been all titty-titty-gung-ho with that fancy new push-up bra, because let’s be honest. If we’re comparing the boobs of Katy Perry to the boobs of Kristen Stewart, I think Katy Perry probably has it on lockdown, don’t you think? It’s like comparing apples to … well, to that wall over there.
See what you’ve done, John Mayer? Talk about stirring the pot. Damn.
Image courtesy of The Superficial
August 27, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah
Emily gave you guys the rundown the other day that John Mayer had kicked Katy Perry’s sweet tits to the curb, and did you think it was going to end right there? Because oh hell no. No, word on the street is confirming that John was the one to end the relationship, and Katy’s all broken up about it, because she was really “starting to fall” for John. (Insert ‘gag’ here.)
“They weren’t serious, but she was really starting to fall for him,” a source close to Perry, 27, tells PEOPLE. “She wasn’t seeing forever with him, but saw it lasting longer than it did.”
I guess this says a lot for the state of John Mayer’s confidence. If he’s willing to pump and dump every A-list chick he can get his hands on (even if they’re just fleetingly A-list), he’s going to do it, and do it without worrying that maybe he won’t get his grubby little fingers on another. Because clearly, he’s not worrying that maybe he won’t get his grubby little fingers on another. BECAUSE HE WILL GET HIS GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS ON ANOTHER.
Another source says that John’s already moved on, and he’s looking for his latest victim. Eyewitnesses placed him at the Soho House this past Thursday night (sans Katy Perry, of course), moving in on two women while drinking and making bedroom eyes. He probably took both of them home that night, too.
Just to recap? Here’s some of the women that John Mayer has hooked up with (some for sure, and some alleged; alleged are denoted by asterisk):
I mean, gosh. Who’s next? Better question, really—who’s left?
August 25, 2012 at 10:00 am by Sarah
I’m so sorry, everyone. I’m sorry that we all have to start the day off with this kind of thing hanging over our heads. We all know that true love is a fleeting thing, something that’s so rare to catch and so hard to hold onto, so let’s take a moment of silence for one such love that just couldn’t last: the beautiful love that was so briefly but so strongly shared between Katy Perry and John Mayer.
Take all the time you need to compose yourself before reading on, all right? And when you’re ready, here’s the soundtrack:
We don’t know exactly what happened to bring an end to this love, and I apologize that I don’t have more answers for you. I can tell you that sources told Us Weekly that “she’s really upset about it” and that “she’s making it seem like it wasn’t serious with John, but she is hurt,” but People‘s sources tried to play it cool by just saying that “they were honestly having fun” and “people made it out to be far more than it was.” That source also speculates that the two will “end up as friends.” A likely story, source.
What a bummer summer, you guys.
August 24, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily
See these two? It’s just getting gross. Now, I’ve never been a fan of John Mayer‘s look, either before or after his new 1980′s country-and-western-style Hee Haw garb of late, but John Mayer, guys, is just not attractive. Like, not at all. He looks like he’s got some lice chilling in that long, pulled back Johnny Depp-wannabe hair, and I would imagine that he’s all sorts of marshmallow soft underneath the many layers of skanky t-shirts he wears, and while there’s nothing particularly wrong with that, it’s wrong because of his face. His face makes it wrong.
This is the two of them at a mutual friend’s pool party earlier this month, and I think it’s a safe thing to say that these two are an “item,” if you can stand to call them that, too.
Wonder what it’s like for John to be dating a “real” woman, and not someone like Taylor Swift. One thing’s for sure … at least we know that if and when Katy and John give up the ghost, that Katy won’t be writing any songs lambasting John.
Oh wait ….
August 16, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah
So, I’m sure you can imagine that a photo of a celebrity in this kind of situation will always, always render some pretty interesting results, and in this case, it was more than just a, “Ha, Katy Perry wiped out.” No, this was a full-on, “OMG LOL LOOK AT KATY PERRY‘S BARE ASS,” because that’s exactly what happened.
I won’t bore you with a lot of details, but I will tell you that when I saw these pictures this morning, I literally laughed myself off the chair, which isn’t too hard a feat to do these days, because, on a side note, I had the funniest thing ever happen to me this past weekend, and it’s been really, really easy to giggle at nothing (especially fully-exposed asses) since then.
So, my best friend of two decades came down to visit me (seriously, we’ve been friends since 1st grade), and we all decided to go out on Saturday night to have dinner and a drink and do some karaoke (because I love karaoke, dammit). My parents thought it would be a fun thing to come, too, so they did, and so we did, too, and halfway through the night, a younger kid approached me and said, “Wow, blah blah blah you have a pretty good voice, you should sing this one,” and he gestured to something in The Book. And, joking around, I said, “I’m not going to sing anything else ’til my mother gets up there and sings something!” And the kid turned around, looked at my friend, and said “Well, come on, mom, get up there and do something!” To which my best friend—who is the same age as I am—positively exploded, saying, “You think I’m her mother?! Her mother? Oh hell no.” She then turned around and looked at my husband and my actual mother and cried, “Look up a song called GO TO HELL so I can sing it just for this kid.”
Guys, I laughed so hard at the entire situation that I thought I was having a seizure. The whole world stopped (including any and all breathing that might have been happening during that ninety-second period), and for an entire minute, all I could do was clutch my stomach and laugh silently. The kid … I don’t even know where he went, because I was too busy trying to keep my insides together, but needless to say, the guy didn’t approach us for the rest of the evening.
Anyway. It’s over, and I guess you’d've had to have been there to get it, but hey. Funny stories, right? Jump in to see Katy Perry’s full-on moon, because FUNNY STORIES.