Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Katie Holmes

Who Is Suri’s Biological Father?

A photo of Suri Cruise

The idea that Tom Cruise is not the biological father of Suri isn’t new, not by a long shot. Way back when Suri was born, there were conspiracies about the paternity. Here’s a quick summary, since 2006 was a long time ago: Katie broke up with Chris Klein in March of 2005, and she began dating Tom just a few weeks later. Suri was born in April of 2006. BUT the public didn’t get a glimpse of Suri until months later, and her birth certificate wasn’t issued until three weeks after she was actually born, so was she really born in April? There were a lot of suspicious things happening surrounding Katie’s pregnancy and Suri’s birth, which could either be chalked up to those wacky Scientologists or a different story of conception than the one we heard. So basically, a lot of people think that Chris Klein could have fathered Suri right before that breakup.

But it’s not 2005 anymore, and Katie is no longer under the spell of Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s cult. She is her own woman now, and it looks like she’s raising Suri to be her own woman as well. So naturally, Tom is horrified. He’s pissed that these rumors are still coming up, and he’s upset that the rumors could one day cause Suri to request a paternity test. Then, of course, there’s the possibility that Tom’s “unyielding need for control” would potentially cause him to refuse to take the paternity test that may or may not ever come up at all, and then what would happen to his relationship with Suri?

Look, I know this is sort of a silly story – it’s from the Enquirer, after all – but I think it’s interesting. The original story mentions rumors that Suri’s biological dad could be the aforementioned Chris Klein, or Katie’s Dawson’s Creek lover, Joshua Jackson, or possibly Josh Hartnett. There’s also the super fun thought that Katie could have been inseminated with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard, which is my personal favorite. But what do you think?

If Tom isn’t Suri’s father – I’m bad at babies, remember? – then I’d say Chris Klein is the only other possibility. It’s not that I think Suri doesn’t look anything like Tom, but I could definitely see where the Chris Klein rumors come from. Take a look at that punk:

A photo of Chris Klein

He and Suri have similar eyes, right? Yeah, I’d say that’s a solid possibility.

Katie Holmes Is Headed Back to Broadway!

A photo of Katie Holmes

I would imagine that if it weren’t for the constant swarm of paparazzi that surrounds Katie Holmes everywhere she goes, she’d get a high five from every single person that recognized her. You could see that, right? Immediately after she filed for divorce from ol’ cray-cray Tom, her life seemed to get unspeakably better, and it really is heartwarming to watch.

And here’s another example of how things keep getting better for Katie: she just landed a role on Broadway!

Get ready to see a lot more of Katie Holmesin New York City.

The actress, 33, is returning to Broadway this fall in the dark comedy Dead Accounts, it was announced Thursday.

She made her Broadway debut in 2008 in the revival of Arthur Miller’s All My Sons alongside John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson.

In the new show, Holmes will play Lorna, a woman looking for answers about her brother’s surprising return home. Additional casting news has yet to be released. The show, to be directed by Jack O’Brien, will play at the Music Box Theatre.

In the three weeks since her surprise split from Tom Cruise, Holmes has become a popular tourist (and local) attraction in the Big Apple.

Now, she’ll become even more of a Manhattan mainstay – and keep an eye out for Suri on opening night!

I’m so happy for Katie that I’m putting aside my frustration that yet another bad actor just got a big acting job. And just in case you don’t know me, that means that I’m really, really happy for her.

Katie Holmes Was an Abomination to Scientology

photo of katie holmes us weekly magazine cover pictures
And she wasn’t even brought into the church the right way, guys, GOD. That means she’s not even a “real” Scientologist, whatever the f-ck that is, anyway.

Here’s a recent blog entry by Marty Rathbun, who was former second-in-command at the Co$.

David Miscavige has no doubt by now convinced Tom Cruise that yours truly ought to be the target of his ire for Katie Holmes’ splendidly executed split and consequent historic media coverage. After all, he’s already got Cruise’s attorney, the august Bert Fields, alerting the media far and wide claiming to be victim of me.

And just as certainly, as per usual, the real target is David Miscavige himself.

I have learned from very credible sources that David Miscavige quite in addition to infiltrating the household of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise and interjecting his insanity directly into Katie’s life through his undue and unnatural influence over Tom, Miscavige also directly and intentionally saw to it that Katie received squirrel, reverse Scientology as explicitly covered in my book What Is Wrong With Scientology?

Katie’s introduction to Scientology was the Golden Age of Tech II (GAT II) pilot project run directly by Miscavige’s organization (Religious Technology Center – RTC) at the Celebrity Center in Los Angeles. Katie was put at the top of the project’s line up as one of its first unwitting guinea pigs. GAT II’s mission with respect to Tom Cruise’s wife? Put her through Miscavige’s latest brand of Quickie Grades (for a complete explanation of what that entails, see chapter 6 Grades of my book What Is Wrong With Scientology?)

Miscavige’s only two tech trained staff (Anne Joasem – once Rathbun – and Elsie Tucker) personally oversaw every session of it and answered and reported directly to Miscavige, every step of the way. Anne and Elsie cherry picked the processes to run from the huge body of tech for each grade, and Miscavige approved every individual one to be run on Katie.

So, there too is your Golden Age of Tech II news. Apparently, based on his spectacular results with Katie, Miscavige announced recently he was going to unleash his suppression on the planet at large.

In a way, Miscavige did Katie a big favor. Had she been delivered standard grades she might have been more able to withstand the entheta Miscavige brought into her marriage and household. She might also have attributed her wins to the Miscavige administration. The net result would have been that she hang around longer and be effectively spiritually fattened up for a gruesome kill. …

The bottom line is four-fold:

a) David Miscavige is a squirrel (someone who alters Scientology to the detriment of the people to whom it is applied).

b) Religious Technology Center (RTC) is a squirrel group.

c) Religious Technology Center is a suppressive (sociopathic) group.

d) David Miscavige is a suppressive person.

Blah blah blah Tom Cruise, blah blah blah SOCIOPATHS, blah blah blah mind-control. And squirrels. Right? Is that about the gist of what you got from Rathbun’s post? Also, can we coin the “squirrel” phrase before Scientology goes and patents it? Because from this day forward, I’m going to refer to anyone who follows Scientology as Scientology Squirrels. I know I’m not using it in its proper context—at least according to the Church of Squirrels—but hey. Whatevs.

In *good* news, however, Us magazine claims that Katie’s doing her damndest to squeeze the Scientology out of Suri, no matter what she has to do. Sources say that it’s going to be a long road, too, because Suri’s apparently spoiled rotten by Scientology presets that allow her to pretty much do whatever the f-ck she wants. From Us:

Because Scientology’s parenting philosophy dictates that children be treated like little adults, insiders say Cruise allowed his daughter to indulge in ice cream for dinner and choose her own bedtime. And if she wanted to visit the American Girl store or a candy shop? Done. “She has been brought up to be in charge of everything,” says the Holmes source, “so she is used to getting her own way.”

Not anymore. Now that she has been awarded primary custody, Holmes is finally putting her foot down. “Katie is getting Suri to bed by about 8 P.M. on most nights — she’s trying to put her on a regular schedule. Tom just used to let her stay up all night watching Scientology kids’ videos!” And like most children her age, Suri is starting to pick up a few chores. “Katie’s plan is to get Suri to make her own bed, put away her clothes and help clean up her room.”

Holmes is also anxious to have Suri spend the day with her peers. Because the pair have been constantly on the move and spend so much time together, Suri doesn’t have any close friends her own age. “She’s not used to sharing or playing with other kids, so going to school will be a big change for her. Katie wants her to get used to that. She just wants her to be a normal kid.”

So far her plan is a success. Thanks to Holmes’ careful strategizing, Suri’s social calendar has been all filled up. In the first few weeks of July, Suri has been meeting new kids in the play area of their apartment building, walking hand in hand with one of her cousins at NYC’s Children’s Museum of the Arts and bonding with the 9-year-old twins of Holmes’ stylist pal Jeanne Yang. Says one insider, “Suri plays nicely with other kids and really seems to enjoy it.”

The thing about this is that I just know that it’s all true. Seriously, because now you’re hearing so much about Suri being integrated into the general public (playdates and gymnastics and public private schools, oh my!), and you don’t see nearly as many pictures of Suri dragging Katie around all hours of the night going to ice cream stores and squawking for penis gummies. I think Katie’s going to do a good and proper job on this kid, and thank God. THANK GOD.

On a related note, you know what I was thinking about yesterday? How I so cannot wait to see who Katie Holmes ends up dating. Can you even imagine what kind of man she really likes, after being stuck with f-cking Tom Cruise for so many years? I have no doubts that whoever it is will just completely floor us. Any suggestions? Guys you think Katie’ll date next, hm?