Wanna know why? Because Katie Holmes doesn’t have a newborn child who’s up all hours of the night to take care of. No, she doesn’t have any major motion picture projects going on, either, that might draw her out and sap the energy out of her. That’s why I’m banking on the fact that Suri Cruise is a vampire, and she’s slowly sucking the life out of her mother, Katie Holmes. It explains a lot. The penis gummies. The myriad faces that a child shouldn’t even be able to make. She’s supernatural. And she’s hungry. And she was possessed, too! Have we forgotten that so soon? Just LOOK at the circles underneath Katie’s eyes. If that’s not the victim of a vampire right there, folks, just wasting away before our very eyes, I don’t know what to tell you. You need to watch some more movies about creatures of the night, because you’re totally overlooking the obvious.
Because there’s positively no way that Tom Cruise would have anything to do with this. He’s not keeping her locked up four out of seven days, wired to weird machines that conduct odd Scientology-related tests on Katie, because that’s just not Tom’s style, no. Tom would rather let his daughter take the rap for sucking the ever-loving life out of the woman who brought her into this world, because it keeps him in the clear. It allows him to deviously plan out how to clone Katie and how to turn the world’s population into pod people who bear a striking resemblance to his dear wife.
Nope. I see right through it, guys. I get what’s going on here, and it’s just. not. nice.
Oh, and if you don’t want to partake in any of my delusions, Katie just looks like crap, alright? She looks like crap and that fedora is a nightmare. That simple and cut-and-dry for all of the rest of you? Yes, but not nearly as fun? Yeah. Thought not.
“What?!” you’re probably thinking. “Oh no he didn’t!” And if you thought that, you’re absolutely right. Nope, Kate-girl absolutely had to pose with something covering her tits. Something aside from, and in addition to, her hands. Also, the shoot had to do with something other than hot, throbbing sexuality – it couldn’t be just for fun, no. The photos were taken because Katie was asked to be the new face of H. Stern’s latest jewelry line.
So isn’t that nice of Tom? I mean, look at the faces he allowed her to make! She’s positively ALLURING! She’s making me think thoughts that no one should ever be allowed to think about Katie Holmes! I mean, didn’t he consider what people were going to say about Katie when they saw these adverts, or is he letting her live on the wild side for a few weeks while he’s caught up in the frenzied success of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and all of its madness? I mean, honestly! What’ll happen to Katie when Tom finally realizes the gravity of what he’s done? Will she be banished back to drab colors and no makeup and lank hair? Condemned to carrying Suri around New York City even though she’s, like, fourteen now or something, indulging the kid’s every whim for phallic candies?
I’m actually frightened by considering the other options. I mean, would he actually – I don’t know – force her to wear frumpy, shapeless clothes for the rest of her life – or until Xenu calls the couple home to do their podding?
See, this happens every time, guys. I start trying to fathom the many intricate cogs and gears of Tom Cruise’s mind and I get myself all worked up in a tizzy. All I know is that Katie Holmes is absolutely gorgeous in these photos, and if any of you think that Tom allowed that to happen by accident, you’re crazy.
I just dread seeing the fallout, you know?
Yesterday was Katie Holmes‘ birthday, so Tom took the family out to dinner to celebrate. That’s sweet, isn’t it? I thought that for about two seconds, and then I started wondering about what Katie is wearing.
See, I’ve read Evil Beet for a long, long time before I actually started working here. And for those of you who have also been here a long time, you probably remember the Katie Holmes Jean Watch. It was a period in 2008 in which Katie Holmes insisted on wearing silly pants, and it alerted me to her occasional lack of fashion sense. Since then, especially since I started this job, I’ve kept a close eye on Katie and her clothes. And that’s how we are here today.
Do you guys like Katie’s outfit? Because I can’t decide. The shoes are cute, but jumpsuits make me anxious. I need some help with this one, friends.
“We literally bumped into that top Scientologist Katie Holmes on the way into the studio. We came out of the lift and BANG, there she was.Now at this point my mate, and friend of the stars, Scully was doing a bit of filming for my website and managed to capture the moment. [Holmes] looked a bit miffed at the various North-West accents and some vigorous handshaking. … [But] There was no need to send one of her people over to demand the video be deleted!!!! Unf***in’-believable. We didn’t let [Holmes] spoil the day though. And what a day. Loved it.”
Oasis’s Noel Gallagher on meeting Katie Holmes for the first time, which he claims to have actually been sort of excited about prior to their actual meeting. Too bad Katie’s apparently a super-bitch ice queen who thinks she’s hot shit because she came in 3rd or 4th yet won the Tom Cruise Looks for an All-American Girl contest.
Gah, people like that, you know?
During the month of October, I kind of got obsessed with scary movies. We were buying a few DVDs a week, going to the awesome second-run movie theater in the next town over, and borrowing whatever we could from friends. It was kind of a problem, but like a really really fun problem that you don’t realize is a problem until you wake up a few nights in a row from awful nightmares about old lady vampires and zombie children on a school bus. Since then, I’ve moved on to documentaries about animals, but the terror still lingers in my mind.
So maybe I’m letting that affect how I’m viewing this picture of Katie Holmes and little Suri. Maybe in reality, this is a picture of an adorable little girl and her doting mother, and I have no reason to be afraid. Or maybe I’m onto something …
Katie Holmes is one of those celebrities that I will never get sick of … looking at. She’s sort of average-ish, I guess, but in her average-ness is complete gorgeousness. I’m not saying that anyone who can snag Tom Cruise has got to be hot, because I think he was getting pretty desperate to settle down when he “chose” Katie out of a group of five or six other Hollywood starlets who happened to be available at the time, but I am saying that Tom kind of won the marriage lottery, because Katie gets far less credit than what she actually deserves. I mean, yeah, she moves her face in funny ways when she talks and sort of portrays every character she’s cast as the same, but hey. Her beginnings were humble – she came from Dawson’s Creek, and hell. Look where she is now.
Keep on keeping on, Kate.
I’ve always been a fan of Katie Holmes‘ look. She’s pretty without being overdone (when she’s not being Photoshopped to oblivion), and her overall look is soft and feminine no matter if she’s rocking sweats and sweat, or a dress that I’d have to save up for three years in order to purchase. That being said, girlfriend looks absolutely awesome on the October cover of Elle Russia, doesn’t she? I mean, she practically looks like she’s both in control of her own mind, and making her own career and business decisions! I don’t know what kind of newfangled Photoshop feature that is, but she’s working it well, folks!