Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kathy Griffin

Fun with Eminem: “We Made You”

Here’s the latest video from Eminem, for his new single titled “We Made You.”

It occurred to me as I was watching this that Eminem is basically the rapper version of Kathy Griffin. Like, while all the other rappers are talking about fighting with the cops and makin’ it in the ‘hood and gettin’ shot down, Eminem’s all like, “Okay, okay, okay. So this Lindsay Lohan. She’s lost a lot of weight. Due to diet and Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.” I mean, really, this is just Kathy Griffin’s schtick if you made it rhyme.

I am told by a reader that the man who plays Britney Spears in this video is the same dude who did an impersonation of her on America’s Got Talent last year. I wouldn’t even want to begin the process of confirming that, so I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader.

Just for fun, I embedded below a clip of Kathy Griffin doing standup about Lindsay Lohan awhile back. Last week, however, the comedienne said she was likely to take Lindsay jokes out of her routine. “I’m more likely to make fun of Lindsay Lohan a year ago,” she says. “She was clubbing every night with the girlfriend and, like, DJing — but now it seems like she’s in the throes of real trouble … It feels like kicking her when she’s down. Believe it or not, I might kind of take her out for the time being. That’s a little hard to find the comedy in.”

Thanks Tako!

Kathy Griffin Memoir Rights Sell for $2M

kathy-griffin

NOT TOO SHABBY, Miz Griffin.

Word on the street is that the rights to a memoir Kathy Griffin is writing sold at auction last week to an editor at Random House’s Ballantine imprint for more than $2 million.

That is NOT a D-list figure, dear.

I’m actually very curious to read this book. It would be cool to get a sense of what Kathy’s early life was like, and how she wound up being such a hilarious woman. That kind of funny is never the result of a happy, drama-free childhood.

Would you guys buy the Kathy Griffin memoir?

Congrats to Kathy Griffin!

The funny lady has moved one step closer to her goal of winning a Grammy, as her comedy album, For Your Consideration, was nominated for Best Comedy Album at the Grammy nomination ceremony tonight. CONGRATS KATHY!!! You deserve it!!!

Somehow the Jonas Brothers were nominated in the Best New Artist category. WTF??? First: they suck and Second: They’ve been around way longer than 2008.

In fact, all the Best New Artist noms kind of suck: Adele, Duffy, Jonas Brothers, Lady Antebellum, Jazmine Sullivan … uh, where’s Katy Perry? Colbie Callait? Sara Bareilles? Stupid.

The full list of nominees is here.

Congrats to Kathy Griffin!

My personal idol — well, okay, she’s kind of tied with Chelsea Handler right now — Kathy Griffin, won an Emmy for the second year in a row for her now-inappropriately named My Life on the D-List. I don’t care what anyone else says about you, Kathy — I think you’re a genius and a role model, and so do the Emmy voters. The vid above is of Kathy being a riot in the press room after winning. You’ll recall that last year, in her acceptance speech, Kathy told Jesus to suck it (around here, we just think He’s a sexy bitch). This year, she thought better of it: “I thank you so much,” she said onstage, “I’m not going to tell anybody to suck it.”

Another female comedic genius and barrier-destroyer, Sarah Silverman, took home the award for original music and lyrics for her “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” song, thanking ex-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel in her speech. “And to the person for whom this was made, Jimmy Kimmel, who broke my heart … oops … I mean, who will always have a place in my heart,” she said.

Next year, I plan to win in the music and lyrics category, for my in-progress ditty about my naughty pool-repair fantasies titled “I Want Michael Phelps’s Caulk.”

Cynthia Nixon won for guest actress in a drama for her stint as a woman with multiple personalities on Law & Order: SVU, although she didn’t show up to receive her award. The Simpsons took home their 10th Emmy for half-hour animated series and South Park won for hour-long animated series.

You can see a full list of winners here.

Kathy Griffin Says She Never Let Steve Wozniak Put It In Her

“We were dating,” says Kathy about her relationship with billionaire Steve Wozniak, “but were just friendly. I never fucked him or anything! The truth is, we really were friends the whole time.”

Aw, Steve Wozniak looks like such a sweet little teddy bear, but, I have to admit, even for a shot at his billions, I probably wouldn’t have let him toss it in, either. He just doesn’t do it for me, ya know? I think it’s the fact that he actually looks like a teddy bear. Beady little eyes, fuzzy face, all of that. I mean, everyone loves their teddy bear, but no one wants to have sex with it. Unless you were one of those girls that grew up using their stuffed animals to masturbate. I knew a lot of chicks who did that. It never stopped striking me as strange, and I just think it explains a lot about their problems as adults.

What was I talking about? Certainly nothing more important than a discussion of using stuffed animals for masturbation …

Oh, right, Kathy Griffin.

“When we went to the Emmys together, I put on this really huge engagement ring and didn’t tell him,” she said. “There are these great photos of me posing with this great big fake diamond ring. He didn’t notice! I was like, ‘Oh, by the way at the Emmys, I had on a fake engagement ring!’ And he was like, ‘Oh, that’s very funny.’”

After Kathy and Steve split up, he got engaged to another chick. “I have had dinner with them, and she’s a thousand times more appropriate!” she said. “I hate to say it, but in the Bruce, Demi, Ashton [scheme of things], I’m the Bruce!”

I don’t know what that means. Is she saying that Ashton Kutcher is more appropriate for Demi Moore than Bruce Willis? Or is she saying that Steve’s new squeeze is like 26 years old?