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Kanye West

2Speaking of Kanye West, Here’s ‘Black Skinheads’ and ‘New Slaves’

Kanye West is not a comedian and won’t be doing no f-cking skits ever or whatever, but he did actually turn up to Saturday Night Live and perform two new songs from his upcoming album Yeezus (yes, seriously) – ‘Black Skinheads’ and ‘New Slaves’. Well, those are… provocative titles. Too bad the execution leaves a whole lot to be desired – and that’s coming from someone who can appreciate his musical talents despite thinking he’s batshit insane.

‘Black Skinheads’ seems to have some pretty grand aspirations, but uh, Kanye? Marilyn Manson called and he wants his beat back. Also, The Black Keys called and asked if you could return their vocal effects. Oops, wait, one more message here, sorry, nearly forgot. Wackness called and congratulated you for outdoing it.

As for ‘New Slaves’, I can deal with this slightly more, but it still sounds like he wrote this shit when he got some particularly potent weed and was having mild hallucinations. Sometimes that can be a good thing, but I just wish he would stop trying to accomplish so much in a single track. Not only that, but I wish he’d stop making it in-your-face to the point of contrivance. I bet Kim’s got this bumping in some of those pregnancy belly headphones, though.

May 19, 2013 at 10:30 am by Jennifer
Filed Under: Kanye West

5Is Kim Kardashian Having a Girl?

kim kardashian

Kim Kardashian is planning to put the Kris Jenner parenting approach into action once she gives birth, so it might be helpful if she has a girl. After all, we see how hard it is for Kris to pimp Rob out. Well, lucky for Kim, her little one just might be lucky enough to continue the royal lineage of selling yourself for very large amounts of money, because rumour has it that she’s having a daughter.

From E! Online:

Kim Kardashian’s baby shower preparations are well under way.

In fact, invitations have gone out to a select group of friends and family members for a June 2 baby-themed bash to celebrate the impending arrival of Kim and Kanye West’s first child, E! News exclusively confirms.

And as you might have guessed, these weren’t just any old store-bought invitations…

They arrived at their intended destinations in music boxes that, when opened, played Kanye’s tune, “Hey Mama,” the tribute track he wrote for his own mother, as a wind-up ballerina twirled.

Oh, brother. I don’t trust Kim and Kanye with any child, but I shudder to think of the future that baby Kimye has in front of her. Two egomaniacs for parents, one with serious delusions of grandeur and a problem with misplaced anger and the other nearly naked all the time without the sense God gave her. Therapists, wait by the phone.

P.S. Dem feet, tho.

May 19, 2013 at 8:30 am by Jennifer

3Kim Will Follow Kanye When He Tours

kim kardashian pregnant white

Kanye West is NOT A CELEBRITY so we shouldn’t even be talking about this, but apparently Kanye is scheduling a tour for his upcoming album in October and word has it that Kim Kardashian is going to take her newly born moneylump and follow him. From TMZ:

There are reports Kim felt like Kanye was abandoning her by scheduling a tour for his new album in October — just three months after she’s expected to give birth — but sources close to the touring company tell us, that’s not true … because Kim and the baby are coming along for the ride.

And she’s not messing around either — we’re told the touring company has already been given orders to arrange for cribs and soundproof hotel rooms at every stop.

Ball so hard.

Hope your bus can float, Kim, because you know he’s hitting up all of Europe. He’ll probably go to Antarctica if it can buy him more time away from you and your childrearing plan. Not that it isn’t a great idea to bring a newly born baby on a tour bus for months.

May 17, 2013 at 4:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives

0Kanye West: “I ain’t doin no muthaf-ckin SNL skits”

kanye west street sign

Kanye West is still totally pissed off at that street sign, and he is HAVING NONE OF YOUR SHENANIGANS. HIS LIFE ISN’T A JOKE. WHICH IS WHY THIS IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE:

rakes sideshow bob simpsons gif

NOT OKAY.

Kanye West performed at “Adult Swim’s Upfront” whatever the hell that is, at Roseland in NYC. And he decided this was the perfect opportunity to avenge the serious injustices against him, so he went off on a tirade about why he “ain’t no muthaf-ckin celebrity.” Oh, okay.

From DListed:

I ain’t no muthaf-ckin celebrity… There’s one thing about me, I’m a terrible, terrible terrible celebrity. I don’t know if you really know there’s one thing about me but I’m the worst kind of, the worst kind of celebrity. All I do is make real music. All I do is sit in the studio and make real shit. And that’s it. And that’s muthaf-ckin it. That’s muthaf-ckin it!

So I don’t want no people runnin’ up on me with cameras, trying to like sell pictures and shit to magazines, asking me dumb ass questions, throwin’ me off my focus and shit. Harrasin’ you all muthafuckin day. I ain’t no muthafuckain celebrity.

It’s so funny. Somebody asked me, ‘when you do SNL, are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and shit. And like humanize yourself?’ I ain’t hear to apologize to no muthaf-ckas man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At one point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back. Or maybe I was demonized, or maybe I was treated inhumane and not human in that type of situation. I ain’t no muthaf-ckin celebrity. I ain’t runnin’ for office. I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthaf-ckin babies. I drop your baby and you muthaf-ckin sue me and shit. I’m trying to make some music that inspires people to be the best that they can be. And I don’t want nobody else to ask anything of me! Don’t ask nothing else of me.

Muthaf-ckas chasin you down, about to make you crash and shit. And all they want is for a n***** to laugh and shit. Hell nah, I ain’t doin no muthaf-ckin SNL skits. This is my Goddamn life. This ain’t no muthafuckin joke.

Are you kidding? This is f-cking hilarious. “I drop your baby and you muthaf-ckin sue me and shit” — yes! Brilliant! Love it!

Actually Kanye, you did once do an SNL sketch, poking fun at yourself of how much you love to crash award shows (and this was before the Taylor Swift thing) so it’s not an unreasonable question.

Also, you’re INVOLVED WITH KIM F-CKING KARDASHIAN. I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT COMES WITH THIS.

May 17, 2013 at 5:30 am by Catherine St. Ives
Filed Under: Kanye West

3Oh, This Should Be Good: Kim Kardashian Will Use Mothering Skills Learned From Kris Jenner

kim kardashian kris jenner

Kim Kardashian isn’t expected to be a good mother by anyone’s stretch of imagination, but prepare for your percentage of faith to plummet into the triple negative digits when you realise that she’s going to be approaching motherhood using skills learned from… Kris Jenner. Momager extraordinaire Kris is the most batshit insane parent on TV and probably one of the most batshit insane off-screen, as well. Of all the adjectives to describe her parenting style, I don’t know that “good” would come in the Top 100. And yet…

Let us have it, Kimmy’s blog:

Mother’s Day is one of my favorite holidays because it’s a special day to honor my role model and best friend. As I’m counting the days until I finally get to be a mother, I’m a bit nervous and anxious but also excited knowing that I learned from the very best. My mom is a strong and ambitious career woman that despite her busy schedule and the millions of things she has going on, she still manages to put family first and continues to look out for us every day. Motherhood is a gift and I know after watching my mom do it, it’s not easy especially when trying to balance a career. I’m honored to follow in her footsteps and make her proud like I am of her.

Oh dear… Kim also says she’ll look to sister Kourtney for some help, which is, I suppose, fractionally better, but not by much. She hasn’t even given birth to this kid yet and it’s already shaping up to be a disaster. Her perfect romance with Kanye going awry? Check. Momager Kris trying to take over the whole affair? Check. Kim WANTING her to? Lord help us all.

May 16, 2013 at 9:30 am by Jennifer

5Kim’s Friends Say “U.S. Not Good Enough” For Kanye; Plus Blind Item

kanye west kim kardashian street sign paparazzi

Kanye West, dodger of Kim Kardashian and street signs, is concerning Kim’s family and friends by trying to spend as little time with her in Los Angeles and as much time in Paris as possible. Why is no one getting the hint?

A “close friend of the family” told Radaronline,

We just do not understand why she is traveling to Paris to see him. She is the pregnant one. Kanye will fly in to see the editors of Vogue, but he won’t fly in to see the lady carrying his child. The only way they have a future is if Kim continues to do whatever he says.

LOL at “the lady carrying his child.” Continuing on,

Some of the greatest records that have ever been recorded have been recorded in America. I am sorry that the US recording studios are not good enough for Kanye – they were good enough for Elvis, Sinatra and Michael Jackson, but not Kanye!

THIS IS A VERY COMPELLING ARGUMENT. I mean, wow! I am convinced. KANYE, GET YOUR ASS TO THE UNITED STATES IMMEDIATELY.

Another source gave us insight to Kanye’s new war against street signs, saying,

He told [Kim] that she should have guided him out of the way. He treats her like his assistant. She is putting up with it at the moment but eventually she will say enough!

LOL again, because the street sign thing reminds me of this:

sideshow bob rakes gif

She will never say “enough”. Kanye is her ticket to the A list. Not that she will ever be truly A list, but she’s now so many more levels above other reality stars. Whatever Kanye sees in her and whatever he wants to do with her and their child, she will agree to and cling onto for dear life.

Which sound a lot like this blind item from Blind Gossip

She really, really wants you to believe that their relationship is so strong that the couple is making all their decisions together.

Ha! Not even close! He has totally gone off the reservation and is now making decisions without her… while she is scrambling to keep up and pretend that these are her decisions too!

This far-away house is not going to be her permanent residence too. Los Angeles is her home. She may travel  or stay somewhere for a few months, but she will never really leave LA. Her fame is contingent upon her being followed by the paparazzi, so to think that she would seriously move to a place where they are so restricted is illogical.

It is also an incredibly clever move on his part. He will buy a house, and let her stay there occasionally so that she can pretend that she is a sophisticated, international star. But he knows that she can’t stand being out of the spotlight long, and will high-tail it back to LA every chance she gets.

On the other hand, he will stay there frequently. That way he can be far away from her… and closer to his boyfriend.

I don’t think Kanye is actually gay, but I do think it’s clear this blind item is about them.

May 15, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives