You know how when you break up with someone you’ve been with for a while, you’re usually kind of sad? Maybe they broke up with you and you didn’t see it coming and you’re crying so hard you can’t see Ryan Gosling‘s beautiful face in The Notebook, or maybe you broke up with them and you’re sad because something that used to be so great just isn’t anymore. Even if your significant other turned into a crazy mega bitch and you were like “I’m out,” it’s still hard, isn’t it?
Not if you’re Justin Bieber. If you’re Justin Bieber and someone breaks up with you, you just go see musicals with Victoria’s Secret models and wait for your old lady to come crawling back.
It’s NOT over between Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez … sources very familiar with the situation tell TMZ.
Thing 1: Justin is not involved with anyone else. There are pics of Justin with a Victoria’s Secret model circulating, but there’s nothing there.
Thing 2: Justin would like to get back with Selena, and thinks it can happen. We’re told the way Justin sees it … they’ve broken up a bunch of times before and this is just another blip.
We’re told he’s not freaked out … he thinks there’s a good chance they’ll make up.
“I know you miss this dick!” Justin will scream while Selena is collecting her things from his house. “Quit bein’ crazy, are you on your period? Yo, are you on your period?” And then Selena will confess that yes, she is her period, and her desire to end the relationship was based solely on her menstrual cycle and not on his asshole tendencies. Then he’ll buy her a diamond studded diaper or whatever it is that chicks wear during that time of the month, and he’ll get to see it sparkle as she goes down on him for three whole minutes.
Meanwhile, in the real world, Selena Gomez just needs to keep on running. There’s no amount of publicity that would make Justin Bieber tolerable.
This isn’t a joke. This is real. This isn’t something about Justin being a bad boyfriend or Selena just sticking with Justin for the publicity. This isn’t even a rumor. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up. Forever. And nothing can make that all right. Nothing will ever be all right again.
From E! Online:
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have gone their separate ways.
They broke up about a week ago, a source exclusively tells E! News.
“Because of their crazy schedules, it was getting harder and harder to maintain a relationship,” the source says.
Rumors that the adorable twosome had split started gaining traction in the last couple of weeks, but hit a high note just last night [Thursday] when Bieber, 18, was spotted seeing The Lion King on Broadway with a group of people that included 19-year-old Victoria’s Secret model Barbara Palvin.
And here’s what People had to add:
“She broke up with him about a week ago,” a source tells PEOPLE. “With them being apart so much it got complicated. She had some trust issues. It’s not easy, but the relationship needed to end.”
FROM PANCAKES TO HEARTACHE!
But you know, if we can just take a step back from this, back from the ruins of this great love, we can probably admit that this is for the best. It’s been clear for a long, long time that Selena is way too good for Justin, and besides, Justin needs some time to sow his tiny little wild oats. It’s going to be ok, you know? Maybe this time, Justin can actually impregnate some crazy fan. It really is for the best.
A Justin Bieber sex doll. How much do you want to make a bet that Justin and his camp decide to sue—and demand at least half of the profits from all sex doll sales. Ick.
Here’s the official product description from the doll’s manufacturer, Pipedream:
Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who’s waited 18 long years to stick his lil’ dicky in something sticky! When he’s not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he’s up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn’t have this effect just on women — he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil’ pricks’s ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!
Oh dear God, guys. If this isn’t a sign of the end of days, I don’t know what is.
And I hate him so much. I have never before hated Justin Bieber as much as I do right at this moment in time.
Do you see that adorable little animal he’s holding in that photo? That’s Pac, a precious hamster with the misfortune of having the shittiest owner ever. Because as I’m sure many of you know, hamsters are not like dogs. Dogs are usually pretty chill, and if you want to take him for a ride, it’s cool, and if you want to take him on tour with you and bring him on red carpets and all, that’s cool too, as long as you don’t mind him sniffing crotches and pooping a couple times. But you can’t do that with hamsters, or other rodents, or probably most other pets. Hamsters get super stressed out if they have to travel, and you need to take precautions to make them feel secure even while you’re bringing them home. The stress can literally kill them. But whatever, Justin is taking little Pac on tour with him (which he tweeted about) and to interviews and events and wherever. And that makes him a shitty person.
Oh, but he also got a new tattoo, because that’s apparently his thing now. Do you want to see it? Of course you do:
I don’t even have words for this kid right now. Can you guys come up with a few for him?
Selena Gomez is dating Justin Bieber, but a source close to the couple claims it’s become more of a business deal than a romance and exclusively tellsRadarOnline.com that the Disney star is just sticking it out with Justin because he’s “good for her brand.”
“Selena and Justin’s relationship isn’t the fairytale romance they’d like their fans to believe it is,” a pal close to the couple told RadarOnline.com.
“Justin’s heart is with Selena because she’s his first true love, but Selena is pretty much just riding out the relationship because she knows he’s good for her image.”
And it’s not just Selena who recognizes what dating Justin is doing for her — her entire team is pushing her to stay with him because of the opportunities it’s given her career.
“Dating Justin is good for Selena’s brand. Together they’re a brand!” the source explained. “Everyone in Selena’s camp is aware of Justin’s star power and is urging her to make it work with him.”
As RadarOnline.com exclusively reported on Wednesday, the young couple has been on the rocks recently and “almost break up regularly.”
“Let’s just say that if for some reason Justin’s star ever fell, Selena would drop him immediately,” the source said.
Ok, so, mixed feelings. On one hand, Justin Bieber is an annoying little douchebag, and we’ve heard countless rumors about how poorly he treats Selena. So if she’s just using him for her own gain, then good on her, right? But on the other hand, no, that’s not right. Because this makes it sounds like Justin Bieber is a total jackass, but he’s a total jackass because he’s an 18-year-old boy who doesn’t know any better, and that he’s a jackass who really loves his girlfriend. And if Selena is just using him for her own gain, then that’s actually kind of sad.
I don’t know, I have a lot of feelings. What do you guys think?
Wow. This is just a whole lot of information about our dear Justin Bieber all at once. I’m still in too much shock to accurately describe all of the things that Justin is being sued for, so let me just give you some of the facts from the filed suit that TMZ obtained:
– “Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug.”
– “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.”
– “[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones.”
– “Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. ”
The lawsuit concludes … “I’m an emotional mess … America must boycott biebers music!”
Yeah, did you catch that bit in the first item? This lawsuit was filed by Selena Gomez‘s dad. Can you believe Justin would do all these things to his future father-in-law? I wouldn’t have thought so, but all the details are just so convincing. How could someone make this up? Justin got Selena pregnant on his Canadian bear skin rug, all right? And Usher sodomized him with a firework. This is clearly a loving, devoted father who’s been terrorized by his daughter’s boyfriend. He wouldn’t lie about this stuff.
Probably, you guys. Probably, right at this very moment, they’re kissing for the very first time as husband and wife. Ok, and just now Jessica Biel started sobbing with joy. That’s still happening. Still happening, ok, and just now, Justin Timberlake winked at a bridesmaid.
Of course, I can’t be sure that that’s exactly what’s going on, but I bet I’m pretty close. See, Justin and Jess, eternal lovebirds, are in Italy right now, and so is Andy Samberg and important people in the music business and probably Lance Bass. There are pictures, even. And why would all these people be gathering in Italy?
Because Jessica finally has this thing on lock. Congrats, girl. Very well played.