My darling D.,

I’m sorry we got into a (minor) spat, honey. You said that I was “short” and “abrupt” on the phone last night, and you were probably right. I had a case of the Grumps, particularly because I had cut my leg on the refrigerator (?!) and skinned my hand on a bottle of water (?!?!!).

But I was also annoyed because I forgot the 2011 Emmy Awards were on Sunday, watched Tamara Drewe and a couple episodes of “Lingo” instead, and then discovered that I had missed a live performance of Michael Bolton singing “Jack Sparrow” with the Lonely Island.

I was so mad at myself. And worse, “Jack Sparrow” is your favorite song! I know that it is, because there was that one time, a month or two ago, when you were talking smack about Michael Bolton, and I said “Don’t you ever talk about Michael Bolton like that,” and then I said, “Watch this video of Michael Bolton, please,” and ever since, you have watched the “Jack Sparrow” SNL Digital Short a couple times a day. (It’s very annoying, the way you do that.)

But I want to make it all up to you, D. So: the medley of all your favorite Lonely Island songs is embedded below!

The boys need a backing vocal track, maybe, but their stage performance is basically one big magic trick. Bolton, the victim of a (spectacular) quick-change, is barely wearing his mustache for the first third. Also: Maya Rudolph channels Lady Gaga, John Stamos is very convincingly disguised as Andy Samberg, The Hangover‘s Ed Helms is unrecognizable in his Timberlake wig, Akon performs the hook to “I Just Had Sex,” and national treasure William H. Macy is in on the joke. Bless your little heart, Macy.

But most importantly, Michael Bolton.

If the video suddenly vanishes from YouTube—these things do happen!—you can also watch the medley here.

Image gallery via the Daily Mail:

The key to effective lovin’, John Stamos tells us, is cuddling. Embedded below is a step-by-step guide, a veritable Kama Sutra of Snuggles, in which Stamos demonstrates how to take your Bob Saget—I mean, your lady—to new heights of pleasure.

It’s all for a good cause: John Stamos is raising awareness for Project Cuddle, a “non-profit organization that offers safe and legal alternatives to baby abandonment.” (Not that the video itself has anything to do with babies; I think the aim is simply to make “Stamos” synonymous with “cuddle.” Sold!)

Video possibly NSFW, thanks to one F-bomb.

Shit. If that’s true, it might actually make the show worth watching for me.

(Ducks while various blunt objects are thrown from the Glee fan gallery.)

Ahem, anyway, the show’s executives are reportedly eyeing John Stamos to make an appearance next season as Emma’s (Jayma Mays) dentist, who takes an interest in more than just her teeth. Will (Matthew Morrison) will obviously have a new rival, which should make things, um, interesting. Ish.

I’ve always been a John Stamos fan. I’m not quite sure whether or not he can act his way out of a bag, because I never really paid much attention to anything he’s really done outside of Full House (which, incidentally, is one of the best freaking shows ever) but I heard he actually is pretty talented and occasionally rips it up on Broadway. Who knew.

I have a good friend who also sort of loves John Stamos. Like, you know, in that creepy, “cut photos out of magazines in your late-twenties” kind of way. She used to have this pair of black Chucks that were all written-upon and frayed and torn, and there were John Stamos references penned all over those destroyed kicks. It was sort of funny, and we all used to laugh kind of nervously about it, but you know. It was all in good fun, right?

Anyway, what do you guys think? Could The ‘Mos make things even better on Glee, or do you think some would want to avoid tweaking what many consider “perfection”?

I’ve always heard rumors that John Stamos was a sexaholic and would hold two day swinger parties in the Chateau Marmont and his freaky side was what eventually led to the demise of his marriage with Rebecca Romijn. When I saw today that he was the victim of an extortion scandal over some photos I was like “Damn! We’re finally gonna get to see some Uncle Jesse dick!” My eight year old self who was in love with him wouldn’t even understand what that means. Turns out though that the pictures are actually nothing, just a fan posing with him on vacation.

From People:

“John Stamos was the target of an extortion attempt,” says Matt Polk, a rep for the actor, who is currently starring inBye Bye Birdie on Broadway. “The U.S. Attorney and the FBI handled the investigation swiftly and with great expertise.”

Stamos, 46, described only as “Mr. X” in a Dec. 3 FBI affidavit, was vacationing in Florida in 2004 when he met Coss. At the time, the pair and another friend attended a party where photos were allegedly snapped of the actor.

It remains unclear if the party occurred before or after Stamos and actress Rebecca Romijn announced their split that year.

So maybe what this Alison person had going for her was the allegation of a marriage-ending affair. Geez, I wonder where she got the idea that that might be lucrative?

Remember this? God it’s so good. One of my favorite instances of a controlled substance crash and burn by a celebrity. It’s got everything– slurred speech, nonsensical rambling, improper comments about the size of another man’s penis… sort of like some of the comments on this site.

I haven’t seen this video in two years– since June 2007 when Stamos visited Australian talk show Mornings with Kerri-Anne and everyone speculated that he was drunk, high, or both. Warner Bros quickly crawled all over itself to tell everyone that he was just jet-lagged and had a bad reaction to some sleeping pills. Anyone who’s ever ingested anything with a proof percentage printed on the label thought, “Yeah, right.”

Well, shocker of all shockers, he was drunk after all, and he finally owned up to it.

“I’ll be honest: When I went on that morning show, I was drunk. Yes, I was on sleeping pills and I was jet-lagged, but I was also just plastered. And I never said I wasn’t, but that whole Warner Bros. publicity machine got involved and said, ‘Just say he was jet-lagged. I said, ‘No, tell ‘em the truth! I was fucking drunk in Australia. Big deal.’”

I don’t really care that someone famous went on a talk show drunk off his ass. Granted, if you show up drunk to work, you might have a problem. But to be fair, although it might have been 8AM in Australia, thanks to jet-lag John Stamos’ body clock was set to party time. (It’s always Stamos O’Clock somewhere.)

I just enjoy the fact that he finally came out to confirm how full of shit the studio is. And I really enjoy watching the aftermath on Youtube.

Rebecca Romijn has a habit of marrying men who lie to the media.

First, her current husband Jerry O’Connell lied and told us he and Rebecca were “trying” to get pregnant, when he knew full well she was already knocked up.

And now, her ex-husband John Stamos is lying and saying he’s happy that she’s preggers with twins.

“I’m happy for all four of them,” John says in a statement to E!. “I wish them the best.”

Translation: “I hope their babies are fat. Like Jerry was when he was a kid. I hope their babies are fat and that they try to eat each other.”