Was that headline assertive enough? Because I meant every word of it.

This morning, Jenn showed you a clip from The Tonight Show where The Situation tried to charm the pants off Jesse Eisenberg. You guys loved that, right? How could you not? But now I want to share some quotes from his interview with Jay Leno so we can all appreciate how precious he is on his own, all right?

On doing the most touching thing that anyone’s ever done: “My family is from Poland and I always vowed to my aunt, who is 99, she’s my best friend, I told her that if I ever get a movie in Europe I’m going to go to the town you’re from, I’m going to take pictures of your house and bring them back to you. She seemed really excited by that idea. And I did it… an insane, arduous trip through Poland. I rented a car for two weeks, I got into a car accident, my passport was stolen. All these insane things to get this one picture of a tiny house… when I finally showed it to her she couldn’t care less. ‘Yeah that looks like it, yeah.’ It was disappointing.”

On bicycles: “Traffic is so bad in New York City, you’re actually faster on two wheels…. I flipped over a taxi door once. You just get up, get back on the bike and leave, embarrassed. I was so humiliated that I just wanted to get away from it. I had six broken ribs but I was mortified.”

On having his picture taken: “I don’t like being in my own skin even when I’m not being photographed.”

On delivering pizzas and inventing Facebook: “In preparation for the movie [30 Minutes or Less], I went out with a guy, Alex… took me out in Grand Rapids, Michigan where we shot the movie. One woman started tearing up, thanked me for starting this website that she can talk to her grandson on.”

He went to Poland to take a picture for his aunt.  He rode his bike with six broken ribs to avoid embarrassment.  He delivered pizzas in Michigan. He’s so awkward it hurts and I want to start showing him some more appreciation around here.

Thoughts?

Last night, Mike Sorrentino and Jesse Eisenberg were both guests on Leno—Sorrentino was promoting the new season of Jersey Shore, of course, while Eisenberg was out in support of his new comedy, 30 Minutes or Less.

So when Jay Leno asked Sorrentino to illustrate his pick-up lines on, say, young Mr. Eisenberg, Sorrentino was only too willing.

And since none of us watches Leno, I’ll just post the clip! Here’s the Situation, demonstrating his command of the Italian tongue (heh):

A transcript of Mike Sorrentino’s sweet nothings:

Leno: OK, let’s suppose that Jesse is an attractive Italian woman—what would you say? Jesse, sitting and minding his own business, having a drink at the bar, what would you say?

Jesse: [reaches for his coffee cup]

Mike: Um, I would have to say—

Jesse: [sips demurely]

Leno: You see? See, the perfect actor, having a drink.

Mike: You know what? I would have to say, “Ciao, signorina.” That means, uh, “Hello, miss,” in Italian.

Jesse: I, uh, I don’t think I would respond to that.

Leno: Really!

Mike: Yeah, and then I’d go—I would proceed to “go in,” which means I would go in for some sort of compliment. And I would say, “Che dolce,” which means, “You are sweet.”

Jesse: [mumbling] Oh, yes.

Leno: I like that. OK.

Mike: And from that particular point, “Andiamo alla casa!” Let’s go to the house!

Last night, Jesse Eisenberg (the guy who actually did play Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network) hosted Saturday Night Live, and as you can see, he was joined during his opening monologue by Andy Samberg, SNL’s Mark, and later, by the man himself.  And I’m sorry, but who made the decision to cast that Jesse kid?  Clearly it was someone who did not see the innate skill and talent in the very inspiration of the film.  I could watch Mark Zuckerberg perform Shakespeare, Sondheim, or even just talk along with old Golden Girls episodes just like my crazy aunt.  That’s how good he is.