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Screech Sex Tape: The Review

Evil T and I are not especially skilled in the fine art of film review, and Spiteful Lars prefers his pornography to involve Kevin Federline, so we left it up to those lovable pervs over at Fleshbot to review Dustin Diamond’s feces-riffic opus, and here’s what they had to say:

That Diamond, whose financial woes drove him first to radio stations selling anti-foreclosure t-shirts, now peddles a sex tape through “1 Night in Paris” purveyors Red Light District, comes across as painfully self-conscious should be a given, but that the video fails to reveal a hidden redeeming talent is the unkindest cut of all.

Diamond made the tape after a Wisconsin club appearance when he was invited to join a bachelorette party in their hotel room, so he tells the camera, and the video is part of a series of competing sex tapes released by his friends. He addresses the camera as both “Mark” and “Bro”.

Diamond’s entreaties to the two-girl bachelorette party (including “You grew up with me, baby!”) eventually result in a gradual breakdown of their inhibitions, and it is impressive to hear him talking them down…

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, “Screeched” features too many shots of Diamond’s face (Ed: frankly I’d prefer that to shots of his head, if ya know what I mean). It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo.

In my previous research on the topic of the Screech sex tape, I’d not come across the fact that he was intruding on a bachelorette party — apparently the key female players here are the bride and her bridesmaid. Can you imagine destroying your marriage before it’s even begun because you had dirty, on-camera, poo-related sex with Dustin Diamond? Whoever this would-be groom is, he narrowly dodged a bullet.

SNL is Really Just Sad Now

I don’t even know who the “comedian” is playing Screech in this Weekend Update bit on the Screech sex tape, but nothing about it is right. Not even the costume. How hard is it to get a costume that looks like something Screech would wear? IT IS NOT HARD, LORNE MICHAELS. It is not hard at all. And the voice? Has he ever even seen a SBTB episode? Did someone just tell him “He sounds kind of like Kermit the Frog,” so he just went with a Kermit voice? The mannerisms are all wrong too. There is a cricket who lives on my patio who does a better Screech Powers.

YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE, NBC!

And if you still care, TMZ has a second clip from the actual video, featuring girls who are — you guessed it — way, way drunk.

Clips from the Screech Sex Tape!

Watch it here!

A lovely quote from Screech himself:

“If you freeze-frame right at the blue jelly double-cock, um, I believe there’s poop on the end of it…I can’t wait to see what Mark [I assume -Paul Gosselaar] does to top this. He won’t be able to come close, I’m sure, because poop was involved in mine.”

I’m sure Mark-Paul Gosselaar is thrilled beyond words to know that he is referenced in Dustin Diamond’s scat-tastic sex tape.

Also, the kids at Best Week Ever have put together this list of other Screech sex moves you might want to try with your partner(s). An excerpt, if I may:

The Dick Belding: In which one performs a series of generally vile sex acts until their partner is forced to finally turn around and say, “Hey hey hey, what is going on here?”