Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Gwyneth Paltrow

Surprise! Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘Iron Man 3′ Red Carpet Dress Was “A Disaster”

gwyneth paltrow

Not only was “most beautiful womanGwyneth Paltrow‘s Iron Man 3 premiere dress a crime against fashion, it was also a crime against basic human decency, which states that you should keep your asscheeks in check when in public and not have them hanging out. Funny thing is, she knew this and wore it anyway. But she wants you to know that she knew it, and she’s like, totally embarrassed!

From The Ellen DeGeneres Show (via DigitalSpy):

Paltrow said that the world could see “her ass hanging out” of the Antonio Berardi dress.

She admitted: “I had kind of a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went and I couldn’t wear underwear.

“Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor… I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated. In one day.”

Uh, scrambling for a razor? So what, you’re behind on bikini waxes or something? Also, had you not tried this dress on before deciding to wear it for a red carpet event? Also, why won’t you go away? For someone so “embarrassed” about being called the most beautiful woman in the world, it’s funny how you bring it up so casually.
Ugh, I wish more was going on in the celebrity world so I never had to write about her again.

Bullshit Alert: Gwyneth Paltrow is “embarrassed” to be ‘People’ Magazine’s Most Beautiful Person

gwyneth paltrow

The staff at People must’ve taken a particularly gnarly peyote trip before sending their “Most Beautiful People” issue to newsstands, as Gwyneth Paltrow came out on top, over like, everyone else on the planet. Let that sink in for a moment and try not to regurgitate your lunch.

Anyway, you know ol’ Gwynnie  she’s so down-to-earth and humble that the honour totally came as a massive shock to her, and she’s actually pretty embarrassed that the world thinks she’s as great as she thinks she is! Oh me, oh my!

From E! News:

“Oh, lord,” the 40-year-old mom of two said at tonight’s Iron Man 3 premiere in Hollywood. “It’s very sweet and I’m so embarrassed, but I’m so happy.”

“It’s so weird,” Paltrow continued. “It’s crazy. It’s very sweet. I’m so flattered. I’m thrilled.”

When asked if hubby Chris Martin now has to tell her how beautiful she is all the time, Paltrow cracked, “It’s like the American version of a knighthood basically. My title just got longer.”

Okay, first of all, shut up. Second of all, Chris thinks you’re annoying, so no, he probably doesn’t tell you how beautiful you are (as if your head isn’t large enough already). Third of all, shut up. I’ve never seen such a gross display of false humility in my life. Be gone, before someone drops a house on you!

Your Daily Gwyneth: ‘My Family’s Used to Seeing Me Without Makeup On’

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow would never let an opportunity to brag about her life go by, so we shouldn’t be surprised that she’s continued her stream of annoying food talk, name-dropping and endless amounts of other bullshit by trying to humble brag about the fact that she doesn’t wear full make-up 24/7 and actually chills out in casual clothes (which no doubt cost thousands of dollars) when at home with her family. Why, I never!

From People (who felt the need to name her it’s Most Beautiful Person, a title so ridiculous I can’t even speak on it):

“Around the house, I’m in jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t really wear makeup. That’s what they’re used to,” she says. As for her husband, Chris Martin, “He’ll make a joke about it. If I’ve gotten fully dressed up, he’ll be like, ‘Oh, wow! You’re Gwyneth Paltrow!’ Because he’s used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair.”

“It makes me look younger and feel strong,” says the actress, who does the Tracy Anderson Method five days a week. “When I first started, I thought, ‘I’ll never be good at this. This is a nightmare!’ But now it’s like brushing my teeth, I just do it.”

Why does this woman expect a special prize for being a normal f-cking human being? It drives me absolutely bonkers. Also, her daughter Apple is apparently starting to become interested in make-up and Gwyneth lets her wear it, despite the fact that she’s only 8. But it’s all part of positive body image, don’t you know?

“When we’re home sometimes, she’ll put on mascara. And sometimes I’ll let her wear something out to dinner – but just a little dab,” she says.

“Also having a father who adores you the way that he adores her is very good for your body image. The more we can love her and let her be who she is, the more confident she’ll feel.”

Well letting her be who she is might include eating carbohydrates and not having an insane person as a mother, but you know, shit happens.

Gwyneth Paltrow Talks About Her Many Food Issues And Name-Drops At The Same Time

gwyneth patlrow 2013 tiffanys

Gwyneth Paltrow is a picky, borderline unhealthy eater. Talking about this is sort of like beating a dead horse. I’m sorry, a dead kale.

But she makes it. So. Easy. Especially because she’s always ready with an anecdote involving one of her many celebrity friends. I get why she was voted #1 most hated celebrity.

She blathered on and on for The Guardian:

I hung out with Leonardo DiCaprio when I moved to New York. He was vegetarian and he’d talk about how dirty meat is and how bad factory farming is. I haven’t eaten red meat in 20 years and although Leo’s not totally responsible he definitely planted a seed. When I turned seriously macrobiotic, it coincided with my father having been diagnosed with cancer [in 1999]. I felt I could heal him by proxy.

I didn’t really start cooking until I quit university to try to be an actress and was working as a hostess in a fish restaurant. At 19 I cooked my worst meal ever. I only had aubergines and a jar of tomato sauce, so I thought I’d make eggplant parmesan but didn’t have a cookbook. I made this hideous mess of bitter, burnt mush. But I served it. We were all starving, so we had no choice.

No. Shut up shut up shut up. You only had “aubergines”? And you were “starving” and had “no choice”? Cannot. Even.

I’ve lived in England for 10 years and the accent is the most beautiful in the world, except for how you pronounce pasta as pass-ta instead of pah-sta. I’m sort of joking when I say this but I really don’t want my children speaking that way.

Yes, heaven forfend.

Eating while filming a scene is the worst thing, because you have to keep eating the same thing all day long. You’ll notice that most films with food the actors aren’t actually eating, but I try consciously to eat to make it real, but most of the time I’ll spit it out to avoid feeling sick. I’m sure there must have been eating scenes, especially playing a 330lb character in Shallow Hal, but I don’t remember that film well to be honest.

I’m really sorry that the hardest part of your job is having to eat.

Are she and Morrissey friends? I’m trying to figure out which one of them would annoy the other one more. What’s especially unfortunate is that sometimes Paltrow can actually come off as a normal person that you can relate to. It’s just not consistent. Which is why I think most people think she’s especially annoying.

Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks The Press For Her Marriage to Chris Martin

gwyneth paltrow chris martin

Today in “blah blah, who f-cking cares?” news, Gwyneth Paltrow credits the media for hooking her up with Coldplay frontman and husband Chris Martin. Apparently the two had never even met when the papers started printing reports that they were dating, and because of that… they started dating? I don’t even know anymore.

From The Sun (via DigitalSpy):

“It’s funny because people had started writing that we were going out and we had never even met,” Paltrow recalled.

“He was in Los Angeles doing a concert and an actress that he had a crush on was supposed to come to the concert. When she didn’t show up, he was so annoyed that he said, ‘Oh, this is for my girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow’.”

She added: “Then people were saying, ‘What’s going on?’ I was like, ‘I’ve never met this guy, I’ve no idea!’ And because of that, because people were writing about it, we ended up meeting at a concert and there you go. So, thank you!

“Because they had written so much in the press, his assistant came to my seat at the concert. They said, ‘This is so crazy, but will you come back and say hello afterwards?’ And that was it.”

Wow, that was such a good story, Gwyn. Can you tell it again? Too bad that marriage is probably heading for divorce, since the papers that are so spot on in predicting the future say that even your husband thinks you’re annoying as hell.

Holy F-ck, Gwyneth Admitted To Getting Botox!

gwyneth paltrow 2013 harper's

Gwyneth Paltrow, Ms. perfect vegan goddess, admitted to getting botox — and to smoking cigarettes. I…I think I love her. One minute she has me eye rolling so hard it hurts, like when she brags about her extreme diets or flaunts her wealth, but the next minute she’ll show some humility and seem like a real person. Plus, I’ll always have a special place in my heart for her after her extreme bitch of a personal trainer said, about GPal’s body,

I thought she’d have a supermodel body, because she was so tiny on top. But her butt was long and lifeless, and she held on to weight in her outer thighs.

F-cking bitch. Although in this interview Gwyneth calls her, “My God.”

Ms. Paltrow talked more about her diet and her body and face in the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar (whose website is f-cking awful to navigate, btw, just a head’s up):

I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I’m 50. I’ll try anything. Except I won’t do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!

Here are some more highlights from the interview. It’s a mix of your classic Paltrow Eye Rolls and your refreshing Paltrow candid statements. On her son and family:

Around her neck is a Jennifer Meyer gold chain that spells out MUM in funky fat type (another Goop collaboration). A dash of daring is provided by a chunky gold chain belonging to her seven-year-old son, Moses, from the downtown hipster boutique Blue & Cream in New York. “He’s obsessed with hip-hop and wanted a chain like his Uncle Jay,” she says with a smile, meaning, of course, Mr. Z.

On being having to be dressed only in her underwear for a film:

There are certain requirements, but luckily I have a good base because I work out often. I just had to not eat pasta and french fries the night before shooting—which I’m terrible at doing.

On her diet:

You know, I use organic products, but I get lasers. It’s what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.

On her marriage:

We are growing into very similar people. It’s cool, it’s good. It’s not always easy, though!

On having another kid:

…if I want to have another kid, I gotta kind of get on it. But then you see a baby and you smell a baby! And you’re like, ‘Yep, I do.’ I don’t know. It’s a very big decision, so we’ll see. Anyway, I’m not doing it this month!

She looks absolutely stunning in the photo shoot.

Oh, F-ck Off Already: Gwyneth Paltrow Raps Like a “Bad Mutha” When Cooking

gwyneth paltrow

Just when you think Gwyneth Paltrow couldn’t get any more annoying, she goes and let’s something fall out of her face hole that makes you want to take a cheese grater to your skin just to distract from the idiocy before you. The woman who even annoys her own husband makes herself not only sound like a total f-ckwad, but also extremely outdated: she thinks calling oneself a “bad mutha” is the “in” thing to do, I guess, because that’s what she is when she (wait for it)… raps while cooking.

From The Evening Standard:

The actress-turned-cook, has revealed a penchant for hip-hop music in the kitchen and said she likes to rap like a “bad mutha” while she is cooking up her “restorative” delicacies.

Paltrow, 40, claimed that while she raps along to every word, her Coldplay star husband Chris Martin prefers to cook in silence.

She told ES Magazine: “He can’t have background music on: it has to be 100?per?cent of his attention.

“But if he isn’t at home, I turn on the hip-hop — I’m like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook.”

Just… no. Make it stop. Being “friends” with Jay-Z and Beyoncé (and I don’t even know how in the world that works) does not make you a “bad mutha”, which I assume she’s using as a substitute for the colloquial use of “hood” – or to be politically correct, “urban”. Not even f-cking Hov would make that possible. That comment just sounds something your mom would say as she tried to relate to you and your teenage friends – it just comes across as cringeworthy and a total mess. Quick, someone send more raw, vegan wheatgrass smoothie infusions – I think the lack of calories is really starting to atrophy Gwyneth’s brain.