Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow Wants To Give You a Blow Job

gwyneth paltrow

No, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t want to give you a true BJ – sperm contains too many calories to be included in the Tracy Anderson method, of course – but she will give a shitload of money (the equivalent of about 25cents in PaltrowDollars) to her hairstylist David Babaii and trainer Tracy to open the David Babaii Blow Dry Bar in Brentwood, CA – in fact, right inside Tracy’s studio.

From People:

“It’s not just going to be a blowout bar,” Babaii tells PEOPLE of the new concept, opening April 4. “It’s going to be ‘Hey, why don’t we do this style with your new body? It’s more about your lifestyle. There’s no judgment.”

And true to Paltrow’s own healthy lifestyle, Babaii will be selling 14 products from his eponymous haircare line, which don’t have sulfates, parabens or petrochemicals and are all cruelty-free.

“It’s all about healthy ingredients, healthy products. And not getting something that you can do at home. It’s going to be a feel good bar,” the stylist says. “It’ll be cool. If you want that sleek, straight Gwyneth look, great! If you want the Kate Hudson bohemian waves, great!”

Uh, how about no? This is some shit that could only happen in LA because if you put it in New York (or anywhere else in the real world), it would be laughed at and shuttered by the end of the business day. Also, who in the hell would want Gwyneth’s hairstyle? If you’re one of the people who raised your hand to that question, just iron a bunch of straw and stick that on your head – voila, same effect and you can spend the money you would have at David Babaii’s on some goddamn therapy to restore your sanity for ever wanting anything Gwyneth Paltrow has.

Even Chris Martin Thinks Gwyneth Paltrow Is Annoying

gwyneth paltrow chris martin

You know you’re one annoying motherf-cker when even your husband is worried about how much you’re getting on people’s nerves. I mean, let’s face it – Gwyneth Paltrow, in the past month alone, has posted her “favourite things” online which total over $400k, told the world that she won’t let her kids eat anything with gluten in it despite them being KIDS who NEED NUTRITION and even admitted that she finds herself to be a threat to other women. In other words: f-ck off, Gwyneth Paltrow. In any case, her hub and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin (who I LOVE, by the way – and no, I’m not sorry) is said to be, uh, a bit concerned about how awful the woman he’s married to seems to be.

From Closer (via DigitalSpy):

A source said to Closer: “Chris tells her she’s too righteous sometimes and that she needs to think before she starts preaching. But he’s the same. It’s like they are out to save the world.”

They continued: “She’s convinced people are just envious of her lifestyle and the fact that she’s discovered how to live well.

“Gwyneth gets herself in hot water as she can’t help herself. She’s a preacher over diet, exercise, meditation and how to raise kids – she thinks people want to hear about her glam lifestyle.

“She’s totally clueless about how much she annoys people.”

Aw, bless. Obviously she’s clueless as to how unbearable she is, otherwise I assume she’d make an effort to be, you know, a lot less annoying. Unless, of course, you’re that much of a G that you don’t give a f-ck about who hates you, which would almost be better in this case. As for Chris Martin being just as annoying, I refuse to believe it! I know Coldplay gets a lot of shit, but we went to see their Mylo Xyloto stadium tour last summer and it was absolutely brilliant in every way – and that’s coming from someone who wasn’t a massive Coldplay fan before going. That’s not to say someone can’t be annoying personally and yet really brilliant artistically (I see you, the 10% of Hollywood that’s actually talented), but he’s always struck me as a pretty down-to-earth guy.

Gwyneth Posts More Than $400k Worth Of Favorite Spring Fashion On Her Blog

Gwyneth Paltrow posted some of her favorite new spring items on her site, GOOP. We’ve blogged a lot about Ms. Paltrow lately; of her marriage, her gluten-free/basically everything-free diet, and health scares. None of this is with malicious intent.

There’s no real hate or anything for GPal. To quote our lovely Jennifer, “I like Gwyneth for comedic value. I think Lindy West got it spot on when she wrote: “Commitment to whimsy + clueless gusto + impenetrable privilege = the world’s best comedy.” Amen, sister.” I love her blissful ignorance, her assumption that people consider a Valentino iPad case a spring “must-have.”

So here you go. A fashion spread starring Gwyneth for Goop, featuring $458,003 worth of stuff from Net-A-Porter. The high cut shirt and orange shorts are a particular head-scratcher for me.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow Talks More Shit, Claims Her Diet Changed Her Marriage to Chris Martin

gwyneth paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow must be as high as a kite from eating psychotropic herbs from her greenhouse garden or something. That’s the only excuse for the absolute shit she spews about her thoughts on food. First she admits that she deprives her kids of anything with gluten in it, and now she’s claiming that her “clean” eating made her “feel lighter and [her] emotions get smoother”, thereby improving her marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. Oh, brother.

From Self:

“I had a lot of unexpressed anger. I made everyone else’s feelings more important than my own. I’d suck it up and then be alone in my car yelling at traffic or fighting with hangers in my closet when they got stuck together.”

“You’re not learning anything unless you’re having the difficult conversations. Dealing with things directly changed my relationships. Sometimes when you get clear about who you are, others get less comfortable because they liked who you were. It’s changed my marriage, too, but he’s up for the challenge.”

Listen, there’s no doubt that what you eat and the overall lifestyle you live can have a massive effect on your moods and stuff, but I’ve gone nutso for a few months at a time and being really restrictive with what I eat and it didn’t improve my relationships or any of that shit. Mostly I had more energy and didn’t want to go to bed at 7pm, but I guess everyone is different. I just wish Gwyneth Paltrow would stop peddling this bullshit “diet” she follows that is not only COMPLETELY unhealthy, but not doable for most people. STOP THE MADNESS.

Gwyneth Paltrow Nearly Died From a Miscarriage, Apparently

Gwyneth Paltrow lives on pete moss and lettuce water, but somehow she’s managed to give birth to two healthy (and gluten-deprived) kids with Chris Martin. However, the wheatgrass isn’t always green on Gwyn’s side of the fence, because it turns out she suffered a miscarriage when attempting to bring a third child into the world, and she doesn’t know whether she should try to get pregnant again.

From You:

“My children ask me to have a baby all the time. And you never know, I could squeeze one more in. I am missing my third. I’m thinking about it.

“I had a really bad experience when I was pregnant with my third. It didn’t work out and I nearly died. So I am like, ‘Are we good here or should we go back and try again?’”

Going through a miscarriage is an awful thing for anyone to go through, but I’m not being flippant when I question whether part of the reason she miscarries is that she barely eats anything and doesn’t take in nearly enough calories to sustain the pregnancy? I know she’s done it twice and all – and hopefully when she is pregnant, she throws away her 700 calorie per day Tracy Anderson bullshit – but given the illnesses she openly suffers from (osteoporosis, “gluten intolerance” and anemia come to mind, immediately), it’s not as surprising as perhaps it should be.

I like Gwyneth for comedic value. I think Lindy West got it spot on when she wrote: “Commitment to whimsy + clueless gusto + impenetrable privilege = the world’s best comedy.” Amen, sister. Here’s hoping Gwyneth ups her food intake and is soon no longer “missing [her] third”.

Gwyneth Paltrow Decided That Her Entire Family Is Allergic To Everything

gwyneth paltrow leather

Gwyneth Paltrow decided that her entire family is allergic to everything including gluten, dairy, and eggs. Her children Apple, 8, and Moses, 6, are forbidden to have these foods as well as carbs like pasta, bread, or rice. Same goes for husband Chris Martin (Coldplay).

Ms. Paltrow discusses this in her latest cookbook, It’s All Good. The book promises “DELICIOUS, EASY RECIPES That will make you LOOK GOOD and FEEL GREAT.” Here’s the book’s description from Amazon:

Last spring, after a particularly grueling schedule and lapse of overindulgence, Gwyneth Paltrow was feeling fatigued and faint. A visit to her doctor revealed that she was anemic, vitamin D deficient, and that her stress levels were sky high. He prescribed an elimination diet to clear out her system and help her body heal. But this meant no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy, nothing processed at all!

NO. COFFEE. I figured she had given up alcohol at this point, but no coffee?

In the book, she writes,

Every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across…seems to concur that (gluten) is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it.

Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.

Isn’t that your body’s way of telling you that maybe you should eat some carbs? I don’t mean a box of Cap’n Crunch Cereal with 6 slices of Wonder Bread here, Gwyneth. But she’s especially vigilant. She cites these foods as the reason for her major health scare, detailed in the intro of her cookbook, in which she thought she was having a stroke.

The New York Post (as reposted in The Daily Mail) tore apart the book, saying,

When we mere mortals feel faint and off-kilter and fear we’re having a major health emergency, and really we’ve just gotten too much sun or had too little to eat, we file away our crazy little moment among our embarrassing stories shared only with close friends and family. But when Gwyneth Paltrow has such an episode, she writes a cookbook. The book reads like the manifesto to some sort of creepy healthy-girl sorority with members who use beet juice rather than permanent marker to circle the ‘problem areas’ on each other’s bodies.

I will say, Ms. Paltrow is 40 and looks 10 years younger. But is it worth it? She also goes through intense workouts with Hollywood trainer Tracy Anderson. Entertainment Weekly picked up some choice quotes from an interview between them:

Anderson, after pulling down Paltrow’s pants said,

I thought she’d have a supermodel body, because she was so tiny on top. But her butt was long and lifeless, and she held on to weight in her outer thighs.

Wow, okay. And people wonder why women are so screwed up about their bodies.

It’s All Good comes out on April 2nd and features recipes for Huevos Rancheros (without eggs), Hummus Tartine with Scallion-Mint Pesto, Salmon Burgers with Pickled Ginger, Power Brownies, Banana “Ice Cream” and more, all Gwyneth approved.

Gwyneth Paltrow Shows Humility

gwyneth paltrow ugly dresses alexander mcqueen

Gwyneth Paltrow, in an unlikely turn of events, showed humility when she confessed to her fashion missteps in her latest GOOP newsletter. GOOP is Ms. Paltrow’s website in which she shares her favorite things to do, eat, and wear, all of which are terribly expensive. Naw, but I can’t hate, if I had her money I would probably be out-of-touch with the common people too.

When asked,

Any fashion faux pas?

The A Perfect Murder star answered,

Well, I started being photographed in the 90′s so of course there are a few glaring ones. Two that come to mind are looks I wore to the Oscars in 2000 and 2002. The first is the Calvin Klein. It’s an okay dress but not Oscars material. I chose it because I wanted to disappear that year. Also, the goth Alexander McQueen I wore a few years later. There were a few issues; I still love the dress itself but I should have worn a bra and I should have just had simple beachy hair and less makeup. Then, it would have worked as I wanted it to – a little bit of punk at the Oscars.

I think we all remember the McQueen one in particular.

gwyneth paltrow oscar dress 2002 mcqueen

I remember her being relentlessly mocked for this dress. It got to the point of, “Oh my God, chill out everyone. Let’s not get all Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery on this.”

Anyway, super cool of the A Perfect Murder star to be real and own up to her embarrassing fashion moment.

Yes, I love A Perfect Murder. “We’ll work it out? .. You work it out on your f-cking own!!!” So good.