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Gwyneth Paltrow

0Here’s A Video of Gwyneth Paltrow Shoving Marshmallows in Her Mouth

I don’t even know what the point of this is, and I don’t feel the need to look into it. This is Gwyneth Paltrow shoving marshmallows in her mouth for a game of Chubby Bunny. She’s not that great at it. It doesn’t make me like her more, which seems to be what she was going for, but it does make me want some hot chocolate. So we’re good, I guess.

December 14, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

5Gwyneth Paltrow Talks Body Issues

photo of gwyneth paltrow redbook pictures
So in the latest edition of Redbook, Gwyneth Paltrow thought it’d be a cool idea if she did a joint interview with her personal trainer, Tracy Anderson, because apparently Gwyneth Paltrow telling you how great she is just isn’t good enough anymore. Nope, now she needs her personal fitness trainer to tell you, too. Here’s Gwynnie doing her bit with Tracy Anderson.

Gwyneth Paltrow on her body issues:

“With my daughter it had been easier, but this time, no matter what I did, I felt stuck. I couldn’t shift the weight. But I met Tracy and she was this force from the second I met her. She pulled my pants off. I’ll never forget it. She was like, ‘Oh, my God, wow, I just am so surprised, because you look so good in clothes. I wasn’t expecting this.’”

On her 40th birthday:

“The morning of my 40th birthday, my children and husband woke me up with hugs and gifts, and I proceeded to have the best week of my life. I feel really happy being 40, now that I’m on the other side of it. There was definitely some uncomfortable anticipation. But I’m amazed at what I’ve been able to accomplish, that I’ve maintained my important relationships and have such incredible women friends, that I have two funny, beautiful children who can give me a real life. In a way, I feel like no one should make big life decisions until 40. It’s when it all starts to settle and become clear.”

So, OK. All in all, tolerable. But wait. Wait. Here’s Tracy Anderson talking about Gwyneth talking about Gwyneth:

“Gwyneth had extra weight she couldn’t drop from her pregnancy with Moses, and she needed to get in shape for her first action film, Iron Man.”

And that’s it. I guess it was pretty tolerable after all, huh? But that part about Gwyneth looking like crap without her pants on, I’m sorry, but I just don’t buy that. Not for a hot second, guys.

December 12, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

8But Can You Tell Us What Photoshop Is, Gwyneth Paltrow?

photo of gwyneth paltrow instyle uk 2012 pics
Because wow. This cover for InStyle UK is just astounding. Gwyneth looks positively radioactive!

Moving on, Gwyneth sat for an interview with said magazine, and talked about all sorts of things that will totally interest you (except for all that designer wrapping paper business—sorry, but if you were looking for more tips on how to shill out exorbitant amounts of cash on crappily-designed craft paper this holiday season, you’re going to have to go elsewhere) like Gwyneth’s diet, Gwyneth’s marriage, Gwyneth’s children, and Gwyneth’s style. Yawn.

Here’s Gwyneth on having more babies:

“My brain says, ‘Oh, I think I’m done, the kids are big now and I don’t want to go back to changing diapers.’ But a part of me would love to have another. Of course, I’m old now!”

On her kids:

“When Apple was born, she had the hugest blue eyes. I looked into them and she was looking at me, and I felt like, ‘You are here to teach me everything.’ After Moses was born, I had postpartum depression. It was a difficult time and because of that, I believe I have an extra empathy for him and he for me.”

On having it all:

“I look for an interesting supporting part about once a year. That’s the most I can manage. Some women can do it and that’s fantastic, but I can’t. You make choices as a wife and mother, don’t you? You can’t have it all. I don’t care what it looks like.”

On the most difficult part of being married to Chris Brown, frontman for Coldplay:

“Probably our artistic temperaments together. Artists are sensitive; there are ups and downs, mood-wise. Musicians need a certain gravitas and focus in order to write. The temperament that goes with someone who is creative can be challenging.”

And last, what it means to splurge, food-wise, to Gwyneth:

“I was very strict for a while. I was macrobiotic for a couple of years, then I got pregnant and just ate ice cream. What I’ve learnt is I want to enjoy my life and food is a big part of it. I love to cook and feed people. I cook every day. My indulging is a fresh baguette with cheese and a glass of red wine, or French fries and fried zucchini. Or a turkey burger.”

Well. It turned out to be even better than shitty gift wrap for a holiday surprise. You got to hear (more) all about Gwyneth’s personal life, and isn’t that just worth its weight in fried zucchini?

December 5, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

13Let Gwyneth Paltrow Give You Some Tips for The Holidays

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

I’m going to be straight with you here: Gwyneth Paltrow did this big long GOOP newsletter about the holidays, specifically about gifts. And she named all this stupid shit that she thinks would be nice to receive, and I’m sure it would be fun to go through all of her Goopy gifts, but I just don’t have the heart for it. Like, ok, here’s one of the items on her wishlist:

See? It’s a big stupid horn that you put your stupid iPhone in so you can listen to your music or whatever. It costs over $1,000. I just can’t go through all that.

But what I can do is share with you Gwyneth’s very special tips:

Timing is everything. Give something that is relevant right now: When a friend has a Christmas party, bring her breakfast for the next morning: a pretty tray, a loaf of good bread, some homemade butter and jam.

When in doubt, keep it practical: A beautiful roll of baker’s twine and some homemade vanilla for a baker, a box of hand-dipped beeswax tapers or some fleur de sel in a pretty container for your weekend hostess.

Add a personal flourish to make your gift extra special: Give a vintage ironstone teapot filled with slips of paper listing all the reasons you love the recipient.

Don’t get hung up on the idea that your gift has to be expensive to be memorable: Fold 1,000 paper cranes for a friend who needs a wish, or give a brooch from your collection to someone who’s admired it.

And when you need a super-amazing gift, start a collection: Collect all the editions of a friend’s favorite book and give one every time there’s an occasion, or start a collection of cocktail shakers for your favorite martini making guy.

Think outside the box (literally): Don’t skimp on the wrapping. I always keep a stash of pretty paper and boxes, beautiful ribbon and add-ons like vintage letters and postcards so my gifts are beautiful inside and out.

So there you go, friends. Heed all of Gwyneth’s very special advice. Make some jam. Get some baker’s twine. And if you’re broke, just sit your ass down and make 1,000 paper cranes. No big deal. It’s the holidays!

November 26, 2012 at 10:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

8Get Goopy This Holiday Season!

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Guys. I don’t know when it happened, but it’s the holidays. Like right now. For my fellow Americans, tomorrow is Thanksgiving (which I like because of the sentiment and because I get to see my family, but, like, I’m not in love with turkey and stuffing is gross), and then in just a couple of weeks there will be a big ol’ slew of holidays! Holidays that you’ll probably get some gifts for! And, tell me, what could possibly be a better gift than one of Gwyneth Paltrow‘s special Goopy items?

I’ve told you about those stupid sweaters, those stupid cards, and that stupid outfit with the jeans and t-shirt. But it’s time to play catch-up. So let’s see what Gwyneth has to offer us, all right?

First up, we have Gwyneth’s very special nail polish for the holidays! It’s made by Butter London, and the set includes three colors. You can get this for only $36!

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Now we have this fancy pair of shoes, designed especially for Goop by George Esquivel. For just $750, you can get these tacky ass gold shoes (that I would definitely wear) (I wear a size 8).

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Next there’s this lovely black jumpsuit by Margaret Maldonado. It comes in sizes Extra Small, Small, and Medium, and for $490, this can be yours!

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

And now for the classic gold hoop earrings! They are $795. That is all.

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Lastly, there’s the deep v tissue tee! It’s the last item that’s still in stock in the Goop collection, and at $55, it’s a steal!

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Ok, time for real talk. This is way stupid. I realize that George Esquivel shoes go for around that amount, and as for the nail polish, that’s only a few dollars more than it would be in stores. But that’s still dumb. You can get really good nail polish for a lot less than that, and you can find shoes just like that for a whole lot cheaper. Yeah, they wouldn’t be custom made, and the materials wouldn’t be as high quality, but they’re just shoes. Obviously I wouldn’t blow $750 on a pair of shoes, but if I had enough money to buy stuff like this, I’d probably just build a huge bedroom onto my house or go on a trip or something. And I don’t think that’s too crazy.

November 21, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

5Let Gwyneth Paltrow Supply You with All Your Holiday Needs

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

It’s that time of year, friends. It’s the time when a great deal of us will give and receive gifts to celebrate a significant religious event or to go along with other people who are celebrating a significant religious event so we can get presents too, or just because it feels nice to decorate trees and bake cookies and feel like other people actually believe in peace on earth and goodwill towards men. It’s The Holidays, friends. The big ones.

And that’s where Gwyneth Paltrow comes in. She understands the situation that a lot of you are in: you’re poor people with no sense of style or decorum, but you still have to give presents to people so they’ll still like you and invite you to their parties. She understands, and she wants to help. And that’s why she wants you to buy this shit on her site!

If you go on over to Goop, you can check out the holiday items that Gwyneth has to offer. There aren’t any elaborate gifts or anything like that, no, Gwyneth wants you to focus on the important stuff. And that’s the presentation.

Here are some cards that she wants you to buy. There are ten of them, and, as you can see, they read “Happy Everything,” so you can send them to pretty much whoever. And all ten cards come with that nice brown envelope pictured! For just $30, these cards can be yours:

But here’s the big thing: the presents! They need to be presented well, and they need to look good. And that’s why you need this Goopy wrapping paper! If you order this, you get four whole rolls of reversible paper, and 18 whole tags! The best part? It will just cost you $52! Check it out:

Does it feel like we’re forgetting something? It’s because we are! It’s those wonderful holiday family portraits! Gwyneth isn’t about to leave you high and dry on that front, so she’s offering you a pack of 50 cards (all with their own envelopes again!), and all you have to do is slap your picture on it and send it off! This little package will only run you $150. But, as you can see, it’s so worth it:

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Thanks, Gwyneth! You never fail us!

November 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow