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Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow Nearly Died From a Miscarriage, Apparently

Gwyneth Paltrow lives on pete moss and lettuce water, but somehow she’s managed to give birth to two healthy (and gluten-deprived) kids with Chris Martin. However, the wheatgrass isn’t always green on Gwyn’s side of the fence, because it turns out she suffered a miscarriage when attempting to bring a third child into the world, and she doesn’t know whether she should try to get pregnant again.

From You:

“My children ask me to have a baby all the time. And you never know, I could squeeze one more in. I am missing my third. I’m thinking about it.

“I had a really bad experience when I was pregnant with my third. It didn’t work out and I nearly died. So I am like, ‘Are we good here or should we go back and try again?’”

Going through a miscarriage is an awful thing for anyone to go through, but I’m not being flippant when I question whether part of the reason she miscarries is that she barely eats anything and doesn’t take in nearly enough calories to sustain the pregnancy? I know she’s done it twice and all – and hopefully when she is pregnant, she throws away her 700 calorie per day Tracy Anderson bullshit – but given the illnesses she openly suffers from (osteoporosis, “gluten intolerance” and anemia come to mind, immediately), it’s not as surprising as perhaps it should be.

I like Gwyneth for comedic value. I think Lindy West got it spot on when she wrote: “Commitment to whimsy + clueless gusto + impenetrable privilege = the world’s best comedy.” Amen, sister. Here’s hoping Gwyneth ups her food intake and is soon no longer “missing [her] third”.

Gwyneth Paltrow Decided That Her Entire Family Is Allergic To Everything

gwyneth paltrow leather

Gwyneth Paltrow decided that her entire family is allergic to everything including gluten, dairy, and eggs. Her children Apple, 8, and Moses, 6, are forbidden to have these foods as well as carbs like pasta, bread, or rice. Same goes for husband Chris Martin (Coldplay).

Ms. Paltrow discusses this in her latest cookbook, It’s All Good. The book promises “DELICIOUS, EASY RECIPES That will make you LOOK GOOD and FEEL GREAT.” Here’s the book’s description from Amazon:

Last spring, after a particularly grueling schedule and lapse of overindulgence, Gwyneth Paltrow was feeling fatigued and faint. A visit to her doctor revealed that she was anemic, vitamin D deficient, and that her stress levels were sky high. He prescribed an elimination diet to clear out her system and help her body heal. But this meant no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy, nothing processed at all!

NO. COFFEE. I figured she had given up alcohol at this point, but no coffee?

In the book, she writes,

Every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across…seems to concur that (gluten) is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it.

Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.

Isn’t that your body’s way of telling you that maybe you should eat some carbs? I don’t mean a box of Cap’n Crunch Cereal with 6 slices of Wonder Bread here, Gwyneth. But she’s especially vigilant. She cites these foods as the reason for her major health scare, detailed in the intro of her cookbook, in which she thought she was having a stroke.

The New York Post (as reposted in The Daily Mail) tore apart the book, saying,

When we mere mortals feel faint and off-kilter and fear we’re having a major health emergency, and really we’ve just gotten too much sun or had too little to eat, we file away our crazy little moment among our embarrassing stories shared only with close friends and family. But when Gwyneth Paltrow has such an episode, she writes a cookbook. The book reads like the manifesto to some sort of creepy healthy-girl sorority with members who use beet juice rather than permanent marker to circle the ‘problem areas’ on each other’s bodies.

I will say, Ms. Paltrow is 40 and looks 10 years younger. But is it worth it? She also goes through intense workouts with Hollywood trainer Tracy Anderson. Entertainment Weekly picked up some choice quotes from an interview between them:

Anderson, after pulling down Paltrow’s pants said,

I thought she’d have a supermodel body, because she was so tiny on top. But her butt was long and lifeless, and she held on to weight in her outer thighs.

Wow, okay. And people wonder why women are so screwed up about their bodies.

It’s All Good comes out on April 2nd and features recipes for Huevos Rancheros (without eggs), Hummus Tartine with Scallion-Mint Pesto, Salmon Burgers with Pickled Ginger, Power Brownies, Banana “Ice Cream” and more, all Gwyneth approved.

Gwyneth Paltrow Shows Humility

gwyneth paltrow ugly dresses alexander mcqueen

Gwyneth Paltrow, in an unlikely turn of events, showed humility when she confessed to her fashion missteps in her latest GOOP newsletter. GOOP is Ms. Paltrow’s website in which she shares her favorite things to do, eat, and wear, all of which are terribly expensive. Naw, but I can’t hate, if I had her money I would probably be out-of-touch with the common people too.

When asked,

Any fashion faux pas?

The A Perfect Murder star answered,

Well, I started being photographed in the 90′s so of course there are a few glaring ones. Two that come to mind are looks I wore to the Oscars in 2000 and 2002. The first is the Calvin Klein. It’s an okay dress but not Oscars material. I chose it because I wanted to disappear that year. Also, the goth Alexander McQueen I wore a few years later. There were a few issues; I still love the dress itself but I should have worn a bra and I should have just had simple beachy hair and less makeup. Then, it would have worked as I wanted it to – a little bit of punk at the Oscars.

I think we all remember the McQueen one in particular.

gwyneth paltrow oscar dress 2002 mcqueen

I remember her being relentlessly mocked for this dress. It got to the point of, “Oh my God, chill out everyone. Let’s not get all Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery on this.”

Anyway, super cool of the A Perfect Murder star to be real and own up to her embarrassing fashion moment.

Yes, I love A Perfect Murder. “We’ll work it out? .. You work it out on your f-cking own!!!” So good.

Gwyneth Paltrow Wants to Be More Like Jessica Simpson: Uh, Okay?

Today in “LOL, yeah the f-ck right” news, apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is scaling back her acting ambitions to start working on building an empire like that of… Jessica Simpson? AHAHAHAH. I don’t know what’s funnier, Gwyn coveting Jessica’s life or the thought of either of them being the owners of “an empire”. Granted, Jessica does make bank on those ugly ass shoes she sells, but still. Gwyneth has apparently lost her love of making movies and found some for that bullshit Goop website she runs and making money off overpriced housewares that no one needs, apparently.

According to US Weekly:

Gwyneth Paltrow is giving up showbiz for, well, business. A source says that after the 33 Dias actress wraps her next few films, she will focus on growing her lifestyle website, Goop, and the fitness company she co-owns with trainer Tracy Anderson.

Paltrow is hoping to emulate the career of another multitalented star: Jessica Simpson! “She admires Jessica’s empire,” the source says of the Academy Award winner, 40. “She wants to make a killing.”

The two-time cookbook author’s rep says she has no plans to give up acting altogether, telling the Feb. 25 issue of Us Weekly, “She won’t quit acting. Her plan is to do one, maybe two supporting parts a year.”

Even so, the source cautions, “She’s lost her passion for movies.”

Well, I never had passion for movies she was in, so I guess that makes us even now. There’s no way this story is true, but it’s still pretty hilarious to picture ol’ Gwyny sipping away at her first cup of liquified field moss of the day and daydreaming about being the next Jessica Simpson.

Cameron Diaz Wants to Get GOOP’d by Gwyneth Paltrow

Hi, everyone! ‘Tis I, Jenn, your faithful new managing editor – come February 1, anyway. I trust we’ll all find a way to grieve together as Sarah and Emily move on to greener pastures, then we’ll begin our own love affair and embark upon a new phase in our lives at one another’s sides. Or, you know, you could hate my guts and tell me so in the comments every day, forcing me to cry myself to sleep. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, though, yeah? Now, time to get down to business.

Cameron Diaz has a buck wild spirit that won’t quit, and that’s why I love her. I use “love” very, very loosely, because I actually have no feelings for her either way – she seems innocuous enough, despite her rather bizarre love of being objectified and a mind-boggling lack of basic feminist understanding. She’s living large and in charge, dates around, doesn’t want to get married and is pleased as punch to be getting older (or so she says) and for that reason, it seems like our girl Cam is killin’ it. Well, not so, my friends. Turns out, being a free-wheelin’ female Lothario has its drawbacks and when a case of mid-life malaise hits, there’s only one person who can save you – and unfortunately this doctor’s more annoying than the patient: Gwyneth Paltrow.

According to The Sun:

“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”

I mean, if anything’s worse than working out and not having sex with your boo, it has to be taking life advice from Gwyneth Paltrow, who thinks liquified grass counts as a meal and may or may not be engaging in a bit of the ole rumpy pumpy with Jay-Z (as if he would ever cheat on the Queen Bey!). She’s insufferable. Not to mention, hello, who in the hell wants life advice from anyone, let alone the female Jack Skellington? The second she tried to make me trade in chocolate cake for Buddhist meditation and seaweed enemas, I’d be out the door. Or I’d punch her, then be out the door.

Here’s a hint, Cameron: Gwyneth Paltrow can’t help you. You know what can? Not being friends with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Blind Item: Is Gwyneth Paltrow Having An Affair with Jay-Z?

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow and Jay-Z

From Blind Gossip:

We aren’t easily surprised, but this one definitely shocked us.

These two celebrity couples have been known to hang out together. The wives are especially close friends.

The first wife is a beautiful, award-winning Actress who has also done some singing on TV and in films. The second wife is an beautiful, award-winning Singer who has also done some acting on TV and in films. Both women’s husbands are also famous and very successful in the entertainment industry.

Well, two of these people are even closer than we thought. It turns out that the Actress has hooked up several times with the Singer’s husband in the past few years.

This surprised us for several reasons. First, because the two women are practically best friends, and their friendship would end if the Singer ever found out. Second, because all of these people travel and are photographed so much that it would take some crazy planning to have an affair without anybody noticing. And third, because the Actress had a history of dating very attractive guys when she was a single lady… and the Singer’s husband doesn’t exactly fall into that category.

So this is pretty clear, right? Gwyneth Paltrow is the actress who sings sometimes, Beyonce is the singer who acts sometimes. They’re total besties. The actress’ history of dating very attractive dudes, that’s Brad Pitt. Nobody calls Jay-Z pretty. It’s pretty simple, isn’t it?

But while I don’t have any doubts that this is what the blind item is about, I kind of don’t believe it. I just really, really can’t see Gwyneth Paltrow and Jay-Z boning. Can you? Can you even try? I started to, but then my brain kind of shut down, like it was telling me that I was about to unnecessarily hurt myself.

What do you guys think about this?

Let’s All Watch This Video of Gwyneth Paltrow Dancing

If you were the average viewer, you’d probably describe this video as a video of Jay-Z rapping. You might call it a video of Jay-Z rapping with Chris Martin bouncing around and saying something into the microphone every now and then. But I am not the average viewer, and I’m sure many of you aren’t either. So for me, and perhaps for you, this is a hilarious video of Gwyneth Paltrow dancing.

Why don’t you do yourself a favor and treat yourself by watching this video? You’re worth it. She does this thing where she keeps raising up one hand, and I think at one point she might grab her crotch.