Wow, right? And let me tell you – it’s not January Jones, and it’s not Naomi Watts-or-Laura Linney (those two always look the same to me).

Want a second look? OK, here:

Got it yet? Here are a few hints to send you on your way:

- This girl spent so much money on plastic surgery that you think she’d look like some kind of preternatural goddess every waking minute of the day, makeup or not
- I *almost* didn’t recognize her because she’s actually wearing clothes in these photos, and not stumping around awkwardly in bikinis
- She looks more like her husband in these photos than he does

Take your guesses and jump on in to find out who the mystery lady is!

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The odds are that you don’t recognize this young man at all. Don’t feel bad about it, because there’s no reason that you should really know what he looks like. But trust me, you probably hate him. You’ve probably, at some point, called him a dick, an asshole, or whatever your favorite insult might be (do share!). Personally, I’ve contemplated watching The Craft over and over just so I can figure out how to put a really good spell on him, because seriously, what a jackass. To do what he did to one of the most lovely ladies …

Do you have any guesses?

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OK, so if you actually peer at this here photo instead of just glancing at it, like I want you to, you’ll get this one right away. It’s easy. It’s a total no-brainer. If you can read, you know who this “guess the celebrity” is, and if you can’t read? Well. What the hell are you doing here? You can’t read. Maybe it’s for the nipslip gallery, maybe it’s for the funny videos. I sure as hell don’t know. But if you’re not here for the scathing commentary, maybe you’re onto something, my friend, but I’m not really all that sure about what.

Anyway, the above photo depicts a very vain pseudo-celebrity who has themselves set on Google Alerts. What does that mean, you ask? It more or less means that they get pinged every time someone searches for them on Google. WOW, right? And who, you might ask, could possibly have that kind of time on their hands (I hear that the aftermath of abrupt divorce is pretty open for things to be scheduled) that they incessantly wonder what people on the ‘net are saying about them? You’ve got so many classy celebrities who claim that that don’t even read the crap that blogs and magazines peddle about them (yeah, right; they do), you’ve also got those who are so self-obsessed that they need to know (in real time, mind you) the garbage that faceless bitches, much like myself, on the internet are saying about them.

In a really bizarre kind of way, that makes me feel good. It does. It makes me feel validated in my quest to put every idiotic celebrity on blast who happens to make a dumb schmuck move, much like the one you’re looking at above. You want your Google Alert, friend? Here’s your Google Alert. Got damn.

Jump in for the full photo of the schmoe who can’t get enough of themselves.

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Well this is interesting. It’s probably one of the least-expected celebrities to wear a penis on their head, but then again, maybe it’s not. Maybe it makes way more sense than it probably should, and I guess, with comments in the past like tuna being chicken and chicken being tuna, there’s an innate silly side to this lady that I just adore. Can I borrow that penis head, girl?

Either that or she just likes penis. Which, considering the condition she’s in, is also quite, quite possible.

Take your guesses and jump in to find out who’s under the glans!

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What a … a lovely foot, huh? It almost looks like the foot of your average, non-celebrity person, if your average, non-celebrity person weighed more than eighty-five pounds soaking wet. This here foot actually kind of reminds me of the dusty old skeleton that used to sit in the corner of my biology class in high school. I sat at a lab table next to that damned skeleton for my entire junior year, and instead of jiggling my foot whenever I’d get bored, I’d slide my shoe underneath the skeleton’s foot and jiggle its foot instead, and boy what a fun noise that made.

Needless to say, my biology teacher loathed me with a passion.

Anyway. This is a celeb’s latest tattoo, and the celeb in question is no stranger to the needle – the celebrity already has a few tattoos, but this one is, by far, the most … um. “Intriguing” would be the best way to describe it, I guess, if we weren’t trying to be flat-out insulting. The script clearly reads, “The only one that matters.”

Can you guess who that bony, sentimentally-tatted-up foot belongs to? Of course you can!

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As you might be able to tell by the photo above (from TMZ, by the way), this celebrity that you’re trying to guess lives without regrets. This celebrity may or may not have done a lot of things that most people would find somewhat reckless or dangerous or just plain stupid, but hey, we’re living without regrets here, ok? So take your judgement someplace else while we get sweet tattoos on our hands.

It’s going to be hard to give you any hints without completely giving away the celebrity in question, but I’ll give it a go. Let’s see … meth. That’s your hint. “Meth.”

Oh God, I just gave it away, didn’t I?

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