Of course you do. I don’t think it’d really matter *who* I put in a headline asking “Want to see [fill in the blank]‘s penis”, because the answer would pretty much always be yes, and you’d be yes-ing either because you have a morbid curiosity (like wanting to see what Doug Hutchison‘s penis looks like; don’t pretend you don’t, it’s OK) or you have the hots for the dude and want to see just what kind of equipment he’s packing. And guys, it’s alright. I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly fine to be curious about your peers’ genitalia, and I’m also here to indulge it.
That’s why I’ve left a NSFW photo of Emile Hirsch and his penis (which isn’t doing anything hot; it’s just peeing in a potted plant) outside a club in L.A. last night. I guess he just really had to go.
I don’t judge. You’re welcome.
Okay, stupid Jessica Biel. After all these years, you have finally done something to impress me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like you one bit, but I will give you credit here. Climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro is a pretty decent accomplishment.
Jess and some friends, including Emile Hirsch and Elizabeth Gore, summitted the highest peak in Africa (at nearly 20,000 feet) in an effort to raise awareness about the need for clean drinking water in third-world countries. I mean, most celebs attend fundraisers or play in a charity poker tournament or sing on a naval vessel or whatever, and that’s awesome and all, but dragging your ass up a fucking mountain like that takes some balls. I work out regularly, but this summer my dad made me hike up a three-mile mountain and, despite the fact that we were walking at a slow pace and the weather was perfect, I was so unhappy I basically cried for the last two miles. It was painful stuff. So, ya know, color me impressed, Jess. Job well done. I’d say I wouldn’t talk shit about you for a couple weeks as a congratulatory gift, but the truth is you’re never in the news anyway. I mean, all you had to do to get this headline was be just a little more famous than Emile Hirsch.
Although Jess might be making headlines in the coming weeks, because word on the street is that she and J. Timberlake are officially dunzo. Justin had publicly promised to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with Jess, but not only did he not climb it, he spent the weekend beatboxing in Wyoming. Now, I can’t say I blame the guy for not wanting to hike 20,000 feet in the snow, but one would think he’d at least be somewhere near Africa to support his ladyfriend. The beatboxing in Tanzania’s just as good as the stuff in Wyoming, I’d assume.