5Ellen Records The Audio Book of Fifty Shades of Grey

Oh, how I wish this was actually happening. How I wish that Ellen was recording Fifty Shades of Grey in its entirety, working her special brand of magic all over that mess. Sadly, I don’t think it’s going to happen. But we still have this little video to show us what could have been.

Ok, listen: I started reading the first book last night. And it’s amazing. I’m only on the third chapter, but Ana/Bella has gone on about how beautiful Christian/Edward is at least twenty times. When she sees his teeth for the first time, she stops breathing because “no one should be this good-looking.” She bites her lip and messes with her hair all the time, quirks courtesy of Kristen Stewart, and her inner monologue consistently has lines like “double crap” and “holy crap.” She says or thinks some form of “oh crap” twelve times in the first two chapters. I counted.

All I know is that I can’t wait for this movie to happen. Anybody else?

April 28, 2012 at 7:00 am by Emily

2Madonna Talks About the Gay Community and Their Support of Her Music on Ellen, Discusses Bullying

On a recent airing of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Madonna credits much of her fame to the support of the gay community, and also uses her platform to discuss the hot topic of bullying in today’s society.

Madonna, who is an always-eloquent speaker (I just loved the ‘reoccurring occurrence’ thing she talks about in the above video, lol, good stuff), has taken the liberty to address bullying in the LGBT community and across the board, and what we can do to cut down on the, you know, cutting down.

While I’ve never really been a fan of her music (I know, crazy, right?), I do like the work that she’s done as a humanitarian and as an actress/model (come on, is there really anyone more dramatic than frickin’ Madonna?). I kind of gag whenever I hear her pull out the old fake British accent, and sometimes I’m afraid that she’ll read something even remotely negative that I might happen to write about her and show up at my front door with those crazy-strong sinewy arms of hers and lock me in a chokehold, but on the whole, Madonna’s a good egg and she makes me smile when she talks about important things.

Thanks for sticking up for those who don’t have a voice of their own, girl.

November 10, 2010 at 8:00 am by Sarah

3Looks Like This Whole Swyllengift Thing Might Be For Real

Yeah, ‘Swyllengift.’  You heard it here first.  Totally made it up myself. Before coffee. So I haven’t even had a breath’s time to decide whether or not it sucks, or if I’m going to start referring to Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift as … Swyllengift. I mean, fuck. It’s better than Brangelina … Or worse, Bennifer. Do y’all remember the original Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez)? Those were some great days for gossip. The really seedy, voyeuristic part of me would like to see them both leave their spouses and hook back up, complete with pink and yellow diamonds and furs and the way that fake baking looks on Irish boys with large jaws who try too hard. I mean, marriage with Garner is pretty much almost out of the picture anyway, isn’t it?

Anyway, half of the couple I’m most fascinated with these days (Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal) appeared on today’s Ellen DeGeneres Show and of course, Ellen pushed Taylor for details on the relationship in that oh-so-coy way that she has. From People:

“Are you optimistic about love? How do you feel about love right now?” DeGeneres, addressing the topic at hand, asks Swift on The Ellen DeGeneres Show episode airing Monday.

“I’m always optimistic about love,” responds Swift 20.

Confirming Swift’s stance, DeGeneres repeats, “So you’re always optimistic about love?”

“Yes, always, sometimes,” says Swift, beginning to backtrack slightly.

“But right now you are?” asks DeGeneres.

“Well, why wouldn’t anyone be?” says Swift, before DeGeneres boldly states, “Especially if your boyfriend is Jake Gyllenhaal, because he is very handsome.”

But, DeGeneres concludes, “Y’all are just hanging out though, right?”

Swift acknowledges that she and Gyllenhaal were photographed together in New York last weekend. As the singer says to DeGeneres, “You have a picture of us on the [TV] screen, don’t you?”

“Right,” admits DeGeneres. “But it’s just y’all hanging out – this does not prove anything. I’m just saying he’s adorable and I like him very much, and so if that is the case that he’s your boyfriend, I think that’s fantastic.”

So, good. More of these non-details that continuously confirm that Swift and Gyllenhaal are dry humping, because I don’t see Taylor givin’ it up just yet. And by the way, Donnie Darko was on television last night. That a fucked up movie or what?

October 29, 2010 at 6:30 am by Sarah

3Love It or Leave It: Ellen’s Halloween Costume

Get it?  She’s Snooki’s poof! Ellen’s costume is a famous hairstyle, and that’s wonderful.  You can catch this costume on a Halloween-themed episode of Ellen on Friday, but here’s how Ellen explains it:

“That’s Snooki down there,” she says of the doll. “I’m the poof. She’s the actual size. She is that short. I met her in person. I was almost late for the show because I didn’t take in account how long it takes to gym, tan and laundry, everybody.”

I wish more people did this for Halloween.  The thing is, ladies, you can dress slutty and go out and get wasted any day of the year, but Halloween is a special time when you can do creative things like dress up in a hair suit.  Do you know what my costume was last year?  I was a rainbow.  And if you’re worried that you won’t get hit on by drunk dudes if you aren’t a slutty nurse or a sexy cat or something, don’t be – I was just a regular old rainbow and some drunk dude still asked me if he could “have” my body.  So don’t sell yourself short, you guys.  You can be anything you want to be (and if you sincerely want to be a pirate whore or whatever, I’ll love you anyway).

October 28, 2010 at 11:39 am by Emily

3Portia de Rossi Had Her Name Legally Changed

Portia de Rossi has legally changed her name, but not to something cool like Portia de Batman, which is what I would have changed it to if I were her.

Nope, Portia has just taken on the last name of her wife, Ellen DeGeneres and will now legally be known as “Portia Lee James DeGeneres”.

The couple married back in 2008 and are famously dedicated to one another. Congratulations to both of them for taking this next step.

There’s no word yet on whether or not Portia will also be taking this name professionally (a la Courteney Cox-Arquette), but that would be totally dope.

September 23, 2010 at 2:20 pm by Molls

3Ellen Tried Out Her Runway Skills at the Richie Rich Show Last Night

Ellen DeGeneres, one of the coolest cats on the planet, was photographed last night working her fierce runway tactics (I always thought the word ‘tactic’ was funny, because if you split it in half and reverse it, you get ‘tictac.’ And I love Tic Tacs. Especially the orange ones. They’re the best) for the Richie Rich Spring 2011 fashion show in New York City.

First, on the pictures, isn’t Ellen just the most adorable thing on the face of the earth? The answer to that question would be ‘yes.’ Second, they’re doing the Spring 2011 now? Like, when most people haven’t even thought of what their winter wardrobes will consist of? The answer to that question would be ‘what the hell.’ But hey, this is the high fashion world, and I am not a part of it. And for that, I am thankful — though I love Ellen a lot, I’d kill myself before wearing a tiny hat like hers.

September 10, 2010 at 6:29 am by Sarah