Read: Parasite Hilton.

She was supposedly asked to appear at this week’s USO event in New York City, “Swinging Salute to Our Troops,” but she only showed up because she thought the event was “Swingers in Support of Troops.” Mistake, anyone can make it, really, but she’s single now so all options are wide, wide open.

So … since she was already there, she decided to suck it up (no pun intended) and make the best of it, while hamming it up for cameras (real ones and imaginary ones, too, or maybe that’s just her wonk-eye throwing us all off) and servicemen.

[Take a moment to listen to the ambient noise of a dozen bored crickets.]

Come on. Even the guy to the right is thinking, ‘What the fuck is your problem, lady?’ Get off it, Paris. You’re so over. Go back to begging Doug Reinhardt to take your STD-swarming ass back. You might have more luck.

Check out the gallery for more photos of Paris making an ass out of herself.

Oh BURN.

With rumors abounding that Douche Reinhardt dumped The Par-Par, and not the other way around, Paris has quickly stumbled on the very best way to make a recent ex-boyfriend jealous: Go on a date with a former flame, and make sure he finds out about it.

The paparazzi “caught” Paris and Jason Shaw leaving Woo Lae Oak (is LA just naming restaurants by throwing darts at a Ouija board now?) on Saturday night. The couple were together for three years (2001-2003) before calling it off.

“Paris has always loved Jason and cared about him deeply. But when they were together she was just a kid and not ready for such a commitment … When Jason found out that she had ended her relationship with Doug, he was thrilled and made plans with her right away,” say certain “sources,” which may or may not be Paris’s PR firm. (It’s definitely Paris’s PR firm.)

I’m kind of excited to have Paris back on the scene, causing Paris-style trouble and wearing shoes that no one with feet that big should ever be caught dead in.

This the little couple that just won’t quit! Paris and Dougie did some shopping in Paris today before heading off to the Ritz, because their life is hard like that. It’s cool, though. I kind of dig that Paris has been slowly drifting out of the spotlight in the past year or so, like she’s over her life being completely fucking insane and her romantic entanglements being scrutinized by the entire world and she just wants something to be real and not sucky for once. I get that, and I’m happy things seem to be working out for her and Doug.

You know what’s funny about Paris’s outfit? It looks a whole lot like the outfit Snooki is wearing in this photo, but it’s painfully obvious that Snooki’s entire outfit cost about what it takes to make a square inch of Paris’s leggings. Ah, money.

You guys, Paris Hilton’s Twitter is like the funniest thing in the world right now. It is 95% product placement and 5% fawning over Doug Reinhardt. I don’t know which I find more disturbing. But all that girl does on her Twitter is plug nightclubs and restaurants and websites, and she doesn’t even have the Lohan-style decency to occasionally go on drunken rants. One of her favorite websites to plug right now is her own, the re-launched ParisHilton.com, which features a strikingly underutilized Community section composed primarily of Paris’s own posts and phenomenally creepy fan art. And this photo of her and Nicky in a bathtub, which Paris herself posted:

I think the only Twitter I hate more right now is The Situation’s, which is, like, written by a magical computer permanently set on “douchebag.” I’ve never seen anything quite as upsetting.

Paris and Doug were out and about in Vegas this weekend, club-hopping for cash. She’s put on weight in the past six months, which I think might be a good thing. I think it’s possible that Paris Hilton is actually experiencing some internal peace and happiness, and, if so, good for her. Just cut it out with the pay-per-tweet, dude.

Considering that a lot of non-famous people probably dressed up like them last night, it’s interesting to see what celebs chose to be for Halloween. I love that Gwen Stefani wasn’t afraid to don a head to toe Jessie (from Toy Story 2) costume to take her kids out trick-or-treating. Gavin gets negative points for taking himself too seriously and not wearing a costume.

Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis and his son both dressed as Eddie Munster while Christina Aguilera and son Max went out as a pair of skeletons. James Gandolfini and designer Christian Siriano both looked unintentionally creepy– one because he was wearing a Homer Simpson mask with the eyes cut out, the other because… well… you’ll see.

Paris Hilton hosted a Halloween party last night at her home in Mulholland Estates. Both she AND boyfriend Doug Reinhardt dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, which I don’t get. Wouldn’t a Dorothy/Scarecrow, Dorothy/Toto, Dorothy/Tin Man combo have been better than two Dorothys? Or, if you’re trying to be creative, Dorothy/Toto (the band)? I think Reinhardt just wanted to finally wear those size 16 satin pink pumps of his out in public and used this as an excuse. (See more pics in the gallery.)

The party hit the skids when traffic backed up so badly that none of her guests could get into her driveway. That’s not a sexual euphemism. (Since we’re talking about Paris, I thought I should clarify.)