So guys, I’ve got a little story to tell you. See, yesterday morning I traveled to my home state of Pennsylvania for my obligatory every-three-year visit, and so, so much happened. Namely the fact that I spent almost entire seven hours in my vehicle carsick, at least until I crossed into the Pocono mountains, where I’m staying (more on that later), because I’m just not used to driving around in these mountains anymore. Seriously, these big old dips and bends and gullies—they were almost enough to make me pull over, and easily enough to give me the case of the belches and hiccups in an effort to keep the minimal food I’d eaten throughout the course of the day *because* of the carsickness, and that’s … well, that’s pretty gross.
That’s also kind of what happens when I look at this photo of Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, because I literally haven’t been in my car for at least fourteen hours now—I’m safely tucked away in a friend’s country club vacation home, which, no joke, is f-cking haunted. I don’t know why they didn’t, you know, mention that to begin with, but I spent a good portion of last night wondering why wire hangers were rattling in closets and falling to the ground, or why the sink would turn on ever-so-slightly … so needless to say, I didn’t sleep very well last night. Which didn’t bode all that well with the sensitive condition of yesterday’s stomach, which, when exposed to Courtney Stodden’s comical boobs, Doug Hutchison’s mushroom pallor, and the kiss-mark of stanky red lipstick on Doug’s face, seriously. almost. made me lose it. altogether.
If I don’t run screaming from this vacation now, well. I’m a much, much stronger person than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and that’s a fact.
Courtney is a “sexy unicorn.” Doug is “King of the Unicorns.” And I am swimming in a sea of disgust and shattered dreams, because this is nothing but pure awfulness.
I just can’t even take this. A sexy unicorn, really? That would be like a “sexy Jesus” costume or a “sexy Mother Teresa” costume or a “sexy Robert Pattinson” costume. Some things in this world are just too pure and good, too deserving of respect and decorum, to be considered sexy, and to make them so is just so grossly misguided. The unicorn is one of those things. And Courtney will have to answer for what she’s done when the unicorns make themselves known. She will.
Also, if Doug Hutchison is King of the Unicorns, then I’m … I don’t know. Then I’m completely over everything, because this whole thing is a bag of lies and trouble, and I won’t have a part in it any longer.
Well, one more thing. Here’s a shot from the back:
Look at her hat, are those multiple horns?! And is she really wearing that tired old black bra with the clear straps under her corset? OVER IT.
Tough question, considering it’s going to be pretty hard to beat last year’s pumpkin patch debauchery in trashy country-western attire. What? That wasn’t even Courtney’s Halloween costume? This was? Oh. Well. I guess that’ll teach me a lesson for making assumptions about Courtney Stodden and the word “trashy.”
On a serious note, though, it’s finally happened—Courtney Stodden, at the ripe old age of eighteen, has dead eyes. Don’t believe me? Think that girlfriend is just as happy with her life as she lets on? Then take a good, hard look at this picture, because the deadness is all-consuming:
Can’t someone do something about this already? And by “this,” I mean, help her pick out a Halloween costume? Because there’s nothing that can be done about those dead, dead eyes of hers—the damage has been done, DOUG HUTCHISON.
“The thing is, it’s interesting that anyone would call me a child molester because what I think that does is belittles true child molesters, the ones out there that are really molesting children. We can’t do that. My and Courtney’s marriage is legal, it’s moral and its within the law. I’m not a child molester, so anyone who says that I’m not going to take it to heart. I only care about what my loved ones think about me and no one else. We wake up in each others’ arms in the morning and start our day together. We take care of our puppies. We feed the puppies and let them out. Courtney gets on the computer to tweet and I take care of business on the computer. Then we come together during segments of the day, and then in the evening we have dinner and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ episodes. Within our house, we are extremely normal.”
- Doug Hutchison theorizes that he’s not a child molester because child molesters don’t have puppies or watch I Love Lucy with their victims.
And after that quote, Doug said “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” No, really, he actually did say that.
Of course, Doug is right, he isn’t a child molester, he’s an ephebophile, but that doesn’t mean that what he did is “normal.” He married a 16-year-old girl he met online. That’s some To Catch A Predator shit, that’s not normal.
Also, I think it’s really interesting how he says that he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him besides his loved ones. In case you weren’t aware, Doug’s entire family disowned him after he married Courtney. His own mother told him that she didn’t want anything to do with him. But for sure, it only matters what his loved ones think of him, which I guess is just Courtney at this point. Solid reasoning.
But hey, look at that picture of Doug up there. Isn’t that just the creepiest? Look into his eyes, for the eyes are the windows into the soul. Those are some shady windows, huh?
Couples Therapy. I am so bummed that I haven’t seen it yet. Have any of you guys seen it yet? Is it as amazingly horrifying as all the promos promised it would be?
Probably, because according to a blog by Alex McCord, a Real Housewife of New York and fellow cast member on the show, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison were embarrassingly desperate for attention. And it sounds awesome:
Finally, Simon and I made dinner for everyone, and fur flew. Although we do make our children dress for dinner every night, it really wasn’t about Courtney’s lack of clothing for me. It was about her aggressive, disrespectful, attention-seeking behavior. She reminded me of a naked version of the Jack Russell terrier in The Mask. Everyone tried to ignore their antics in order to focus on their own therapy process, and that made her angry. It was clear to me that both Courtney and Doug desperately wanted to have all eyes on them, and when they felt they were being ignored would act out accordingly. Courtney would change into an even skimpier outfit and shake her (ahem) attributes, and Doug would gleefully remind everyone that he had been called a child-molester. Once. Every other time it was brought up, it came out of Doug’s mouth, as though it was some weird badge of honor.
Once again, while Courtney is just ridiculous, Doug is the creepiest creeper ever to creep. Was he always like this? I’ve seen him in things, but I’d never heard anything about him. Did he have a bad midlife crisis or something? Can that make someone into a creeper?
We need answers. But more importantly, we need to watch this show.
Under normal circumstances, the fact that Courtney Stodden doesn’t want to have children would be a very, very big miracle – having proof that she and Doug Hutchison had sex would just be too much, plus we’ve seen what sort of parenting she had growing up, and it seems sad to think she’d pass that on to her own children – but these aren’t normal circumstances, and I’ll tell you why. It’s because Courtney Stodden doesn’t want to have children right now. Still a miracle, just not as awesome.
We learned this information because Courtney and Doug did an interview with E! News, and they revealed that one of the major reasons they sought out Couples Therapy was because Doug wanted children (so gross), but she wasn’t ready, and that caused a lot of problems for them. Courtney said “I’m not against kids, but my career is my baby…And when I’m ready to share that, we’ll discuss.” Hopefully she’ll be working on her career up until menopause.
Oh, Courtney also said that sometimes she accidentally calls Doug “dad,” because “you know, Doug-dad, same thing.” Doug chimed in with a classic “it is what it is” (ugh) and said that “she can call me dad, I can say, ‘I’m raising my wife.’ It’s all in good humor.”
And for all of us who don’t fully support this union? “Our haters are our motivators,” Doug says. Spoken like a true champ.
So, in short, here’s why Courtney and Doug’s blissful marriage is on showcase for VH1′s ‘Couples Therapy’—Doug is angry about Courtney‘s skank-dressing, which means he probably hates all of her videos, all of her photo shoots, and all of … oh, wait. Everything. And this whole clip is so weird. At one point, Courtney claims that sometimes she calls Doug ‘Dad’, and Doug claims that he’s “raising his wife.” So, so bizarre.
And here’s some more freaky shit—the day after Doug met Courtney in person, he proposed to her. And she accepted. That day. Doug also claims that the marriage, naturally, set off a chain of disastrous life events, like Doug being dropped by his agent, by his family, and by Hollywood in general. Courtney, however, is said to be way better than all three of those things combined, and Doug says it was his “destiny” to marry his child bride, so there’s that, I guess. I’ll say no more. Who am I to shit all over the pure love of two people I don’t even know, anyway, right?
Are you guys going to start watching ‘Couples Therapy’ now? Has this clip sort of set off a chain of disastrous life events for you, too? Like watching ‘Couples Therapy’?